My H is mad. Blames me. Blames my mother. My mother told someone that told someone else that told some of our friends.

The wife called me and asked me if it was. Heard it was my mother that told the original person.

Okay. I honestly feel bad for my H. Do I want to see him destroyed?

Absolutely not. It pains me to see him the way he was this morning.

He said some terrible things, none of which I reacted to...I looked at him and felt empathy. He was hurting.

Told his friend to come back and ask me why he had the A. Asked his friend if he would ever take his wife back if she had an A. So if I do, it's because I feel guilty about something.

I'm not good this morning.

Terri,
DO NOT PROTECT HIM from the natural consequences of his actions.

His friends disapprove--THEY SHOULD. Think of how sad you've been with the "friends" who call him and not you. Here's a friend on the right track.

Ok, so, the friend asks why your H had the affair...I know you want to be delicate, but he had the affair because he decide to screw someone else rather than put his energies into making his marriage better.

We have thousands of posters here who are, who want to take their spouses back after an affair. And it isn't that the BSs are guilty. That's such a crock of $hit.

If you have the opportunity to talk to this friend & his wife, tell them about how marriages can be restored, Plan A, God's plan for marriage.

Your H has an ugly view of life. And, I've got tears in my eyes as I read that you empathize with his unhappiness as he is hateful to you. My God, you've got a good heart.

The affair is your husband's fault. He is to blame. Don't you DARE take on any of that!

Blaming you is selfish, immature and irresponsible.

I know he's told you you were a bad wife, but no spouse deserves to be cheated on. And, reading your posts for a year, I doubt very much you were a bad wife at all.

And if people know he's in an affair...it's the truth. God doesn't keep our sin in the dark, it has a way of always surfacing...and surfacing to the ones who may make a difference. Prayer stirs up God's warriors, and this friend might just be one of them.

I guess I've yelled enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Ter}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I've taken on the following policy regarding telling family and friends about my WW's A.

I don't go around broadcasting it to everyone.

If they as, I give them the brief explantion "She walked out on me a month ago, then moved in with a guy she works with just a few days later"..

If they prod any further than that, I either tell them I'm not comfortable telling everyone everything, or if they're a close enough friend, I'll give a lil more detail.

Helping to hide the A only helps keep it alive. A's must be exposed to the light of day for friends and co-workers to see, before they can be burnt away. It's this exposure that puts the pressure of every-day life into the relationship and takes a bit of the spice out of it. Don't hide it.

And don't you DARE blame yourself. This was your H's decision. He could have stopped. He could have kept his pants on. But he didn't. Now he has to live with the consequences of those actions.

Unfortunatly, you have to live with the consequences too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I truly feel for you. It feels like there are soo many kindred hearts on this board. We are all suffering, and likewise offering our support to eachother. I pray that things will be better for you, and wish you the best of luck.

Listen to Lor, she's dead on RIGHT!

LET HIM HURT, LET HIM FEEL THE CONSEQUENCES!!!

Get yourself some emotional distance and quit taking his crap.

I just had to step in and concur whole heartedly with everyone else - DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF AND DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM!!!

He had an Affair- HE made the choice and as a result YOU are suffering immensely from it and DAMN IT (sorry) HE suffers too. Sheesh!! I suspect his anger is not so much at you but at himself and the circumstances he has created.

Terri - YOU do not deserve the anger or the blame. Don't think for one milli-second that you do.

Can't see through my contacts today because they's so fogged from the crying that started my day. Anyone ever have those problems? And of course, a busy day with meeting doesn't help. I've been going through the motions. I tell myself that at least, I'm at work, in body.

My H says I'm always so dramatic. Wow, isn't this "dramatic"???? Aside from death or illness, how much more dramatic do we need to be??

Thanksfor all your replies.

Lor, You know...I felt the same way about these friends. They've been good to both of us. We christened their son. They told him to go home, try...my H insisted he wanted to start his life over and not get to 50 still feeling this way. Friends say he sounded pretty convinced, pretty confident...but I love them for even trying. I'm actually touched that they did.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your H has an ugly view of life. And, I've got tears in my eyes as I read that you empathize with his unhappiness as he is hateful to you. My God, you've got a good heart.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you feel my tears. I'm no saint and I've made some huge mistakes in my life but I really loved him and our life so I hate seeing him tortured. Never wanted to destroy him. Never. I just saw SO much pain in his eyes today.

Since this morning's outburst at the house, we spoke twice from cell. Then he called and left a burning message telling me he's going to call my mother and tell her off...just plain mean on the phone. I called my mother and told her not to answer the phone or the door. Then he called again with a totally different voice, almost like the H of old "just wanted to let you know that I'm picking up D and brining her my Mother's for supper since she called". I was too emotional and surprised to hear from him to say anything but thanks for letting me know.

One other thing he said was that I should send this girl a card (the one who spoke to my mother) letting her know my "husband" doesn't like she's doing talking about our business.

Only this morning, he had thrown in my face "how do you like that...you will become my ex-wife...so there, do you like the sound of ex-wife instead of wife?" Softly, I said, "No." and walked out to my car. Craziness...up, down, all around...does any of this make sense??

Johnny B, I think I've started to take your approach. I don't broadcast but if someone I'm close to asks the question, I will no longer lie. I actually feel like I'm betraying my H if I do tell anyone about it but I guess, I now have no choice.

Thanks Hope and Alberta, I need reminding sometimes...

Hugs to all

Terrified. Let him get over it or stew in his own mess!
If he thought the A was so right and wonderful, then why not broadcast it to the whole world?
They just hate being caught, and hate anyone knowing how low they can be.
It's all about trying to be someone he's not!
He wants them to think he's a grand person, walks a straight line and so respectable.
I say if they're going to have the game, then they deserve the name!
He doesn't sound ready to admit his was a terrible choice in judgement. Wanting to blame you as not being a good enough wife.
What they forget is they weren't being a good enough spouse at all!
It's called guilt transference! And I refuse to allow my FWH to do that to me. Yes, a lot of our family knows. And friends of mine.
He hates it because now he can't fool them into thinking he's some pillar in society!
My reply is this. "Hey buddy, I didn't make you wallow in the sewer with the trash, you did it to yourself". Now it's up to him to rebuild his self respect and change who he is! And I do mean change!
Because we have now seen who the real person is we're married to. I don't buy for a minute it's not the real person. The one we thought they were was all fake!
One who can't confess his sin, cannot repent of it! He has to take off the old man and put on the new. Same for my H!
God bless, LouLou

Lou:

"Hey buddy, I didn't make you wallow in the sewer with the trash, you did it to yourself."

This is an LB. How does this remark build anyone's self*esteem?

If you want to let go of the pridefulness that is constricting your soul like a python, then let go of these hurtful remarks that do not promote goodness and healing for both of you .

He can't be a MAN if you're standing on his back.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I am reminded of what our counselor told us.

"How you get there is how you get there."

Being true to ourselves has many parts; honesty, love, respect, patience, forgiveness, and many more. Honesty is in recognizing that sometimes we just want to get even <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ; love is knowing that we too are unique and wonderful; respect is not calling ourselves names, or putting ourselves down as punishment for our inevitable mistakes; patience is actively waiting for healing, not insisting that everything be ok today, just hopefully a little better than yesterday; and forgiveness is something we give to ourselves because we have to - we WILL make mistakes, all of us, and forgiveness, even for ourselves, is not about forgetting, it is about letting go.

So take the lessons of your mistakes to heart, but do not diminish yourself in doing so. Don't be too hard on yourself, just keep learning and growing.

How you get there is how you get there. What counts is getting there.

Jake

My xwh did the same thing to me. It is called "the inability to take responsibility". Your H can not & most likely will not take totally responsibility for his actiob=ns so he will go through life blaming everyone especially YOU.
My advice: Get used to it....but try to ignore it the best you can.

My xh really did & number on me, my kids, our families & our friends and no matter what it has not stoppped. Unfortunately for you & I we can not change someone elses personality. I belive these people are brought up in a way that makes them selfish & narcisistic & we just have to live our lives the way WE want to.

Do you think it's a learned behavior ?? Selfishness?? Maybe I'll post a new topic.

Keep your chin up.....YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON DON"T LET ANYONE BRING YOU DOWN.

T-

Just a hug and hope.... be kind and loving in spite of him.... that is the best advice I can offer, but draw boundaries....

It helps, bitterness is only hurtful to everyone involved.

I hope your h sees the light sooner than later. I am sorry you are having to go through this, let him know in kind gentle ways that you will not allow him to hurt you or D any longer, and that includes abusive talk... IT WORKS! When he talks to you in an angry tone.. don't forget the ole... sorry I have to go, I can't be talked to that way, maybe we can talk later... click. IT WORKS T! He will learn just like a puppy that he can't do that... he will keep trying until he knows he can't do it anymore... TEll him kindly and gently you feel hurt by his anger or tone of voice etc. and you will have to talk to him later when he is calm.

Hugs, H

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he said was that I should send this girl a card (the one who spoke to my mother) letting her know my "husband" doesn't like she's doing talking about our business.
Only this morning, he had thrown in my face "how do you like that...you will become my ex-wife...so there, do you like the sound of ex-wife instead of wife?" Softly, I said, "No." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Guess, what? Ex-husbands don't get to order their wives around.

I know you see this is so double-minded on his part. One moment he's using his position as husband, the next he's under-cutting yours as his wife.

You have no control over this woman, if he wants something said to her...he's got the ability to write a card or a dialing finger and a mouth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . (lb alert--don't say it like that to him).

I also don't understand why he thinks it is ok to bully your mom, but any calls you make to your in-laws give him a hissy fit? Does his mom--who wants the "civility" know how uncivil her son is? If he threatens your mom, could you say, "Oh, ok, if you want to update my mom, I'll update yours."

I know you need to be wary of words that escalate his volatile temper, and Honey's suggestion is probably a better one "I'll talk to you later, when you are calm."

Just remember, you don't have to do any damage control on the situations his behavior has led to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate seeing him tortured. Never wanted to destroy him. Never. I just saw SO much pain in his eyes today </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure why he is hurting so bad, as you describe? If he feels his behavior is right and good, then other people knowing shouldn't bother him. Where's his "Good. I want people to know I've got the OW in (other country)."

If he hasn't felt the pain of his action, now is past time. You've been agonized by his behavior for over a year. All that's happened to him is people are talking about his TRUE actions.

I guess it is plain I don't feel any sympathy for him. I might if he was remorseful and apologetic to YOU, but he's still ordering you around and trying to control you at the same time he's stabbing you with "Ex-wife" taunts.

Think of it like this, when your daughter had to have her immunization shots, it was necessary, yet it was painful and she cried...but you were doing it because it was best for her and you love her.

Letting your H suffer his natural consequences is along the same lines, he's angry it's all coming out...but this is the result of his actions and you shouldn't protect him from it.

I am sorry you feel so badly about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he said was that I should send this girl a card (the one who spoke to my mother) letting her know my "husband" doesn't like she's doing talking about our business.
Only this morning, he had thrown in my face "how do you like that...you will become my ex-wife...so there, do you like the sound of ex-wife instead of wife?" Softly, I said, "No." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Guess, what? Ex-husbands don't get to order their wives around.

I know you see this is so double-minded on his part. One moment he's using his position as husband, the next he's under-cutting yours as his wife.

You have no control over this woman, if he wants something said to her...he's got the ability to write a card or a dialing finger and a mouth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . (lb alert--don't say it like that to him).

I also don't understand why he thinks it is ok to bully your mom, but any calls you make to your in-laws give him a hissy fit? Does his mom--who wants the "civility" know how uncivil her son is? If he threatens your mom, could you say, "Oh, ok, if you want to update my mom, I'll update yours."

I know you need to be wary of words that escalate his volatile temper, and Honey's suggestion is probably a better one "I'll talk to you later, when you are calm."

Just remember, you don't have to do any damage control on the situations his behavior has led to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate seeing him tortured. Never wanted to destroy him. Never. I just saw SO much pain in his eyes today </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure why he is hurting so bad, as you describe? If he feels his behavior is right and good, then other people knowing shouldn't bother him. Where's his "Good. I want people to know I've got the OW in (other country)."

If he hasn't felt the pain of his action, now is past time. You've been agonized by his behavior for over a year. All that's happened to him is people are talking about his TRUE actions.

I guess it is plain I don't feel any sympathy for him. I might if he was remorseful and apologetic to YOU, but he's still ordering you around and trying to control you at the same time he's stabbing you with "Ex-wife" taunts.

Think of it like this, when your daughter had to have her immunization shots, it was necessary, yet it was painful and she cried...but you were doing it because it was best for her and you love her.

Letting your H suffer his natural consequences is along the same lines, he's angry it's all coming out...but this is the result of his actions and you shouldn't protect him from it.

I am sorry you feel so badly about it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I applaud LOR, great analysis and insight...

Just want to add one thing.... HE IS BAITING YOU... Do not take the bait.

OUr counselors are making my h and I aware that we bait one another. Sure, the nutty things my angry and immature ws says and does surely make me want to respond back with a comment or two- but it never helps!!! NEVER!

Perhaps when he attacks you and says things like.......
T- YOu wern't a good wife.

Response from T... WH, you are right I wasn't the best wife I could be, but I want to be a better one, how can I be a better wife?

He might even say, YOu can't be one, a better wife, it is too late...

Response from t, Well all I can say is I now realize areas where I can improve, I am going to improve even though you may not want our marriage anymore, I want you to see that I can be a better wife.. I am sorry for not being one to you sooner..

Agreeing with the attacker is often a good way to set him off. IT may seem ridiculous -but it is VERY HARD TO ARGUE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS AGREEING WITH YOU. THis tactic is truly helping my marriage. At first I thought , OH MY- How ridiculous when he is attacking me, but it is more than an attack, it is bait for an argument, and I or You do not have to take it my friend.

I know it will be tempting to reply quite rationally as Lor suggests that if he is going to attack your Mom, then you will call his. BTDT. It didn't work with my angry wh, what works in my situation, is the off balance reply that ...

Well, I am sorry you feel that way. I am sorry for my part in this and will work to make things better for you, what can I do to help make this up to you?

He might likely insist that you conctact your Mom and this person who KNOWS.... but you could say .. you can't do that, but you can be there for him and available as a friend if he wants to talk about his feelings.... or that you care and you hurt forh im and you are sorry it is public news.. it does seem to help to agree wth them.. it is not truly your fault.. althought the light of day does help.. you can't go blurting this everywhere , his sins that is, he will hold it agaisnt you that you crucified him with the truth... MY H DOES STILL HOLD my announcements of what he was doing to tothers against me... this is a topic we have to address soon in counseling as he now thinks he can't trust me, b/c I might call a friend , etc.... Well, it was during an A... and it sounds like your H is still in his fantasy perhaps due to OW being so far away and so much a fantasy....

Anyway, I think he wants to see you as the wife he wants .. not some attacker, but an ally in the storm he has himself in... be his friend the best you can T... Don't take his bait, he is trying desperately, even if subconsciously to get you to show him HOW BAD YOU ARE... don't don't do it... be good even when plyaing on the devil's playground. The temptations to fight or even argue or get surly back... just aren't worth it, don't let him bring you down... DON'T bite the apple.

Hugs, Honey

<small>[ March 16, 2003, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

I once read in a book on psychology about men, A's and their buddies and friends.
It's not unusual for them to all tease and talk about other women when together. They may even cheer old buddy on in an A.
However, it said that when the wife finds out and is hurt by it, they usually lose respect for the friend who was in the A. The fun stops then!
They don't seem to work at talking their friend out of an A, except when it comes to the wife knowing and getting hurt. Then they all look down on the friend.
This is hard for any man to take, I'm sure. Or woman.
Perhaps people wish to rebuild and having others see their true side is hard to live with. They have to blame someone, so the S is usually the one who gets it.
Perhaps you are not the real target, but more at himself. ! you're just handy.
There is an attempt by most people to transfer guilt to someone close. Guilt is hard to carry alone!
Pep, I guess I do a lot of LB'ing? I'm learning though. Maybe I'll someday be the sweet, loving soul I once was. I hope so.
I do see the change in who I once was. And I don't like that in me.
Terrified, perhaps you need to choose carefully whom you confide in next time. It should be someone who will not talk to others about what you tell. It sounds like this turned into a game of gossip and I can see how your H would be upset.
But, everyone makes mistakes, so don't beat yourself up over it. If you can forgive him, then he should be able to forgive also.
God bless, LouLou