Hello,
I haven't posted much lately, I guess I'm simply putting my energies elsewhere. (children, home improvement, exercising)

I wanted to thank everyone who has helped me so much these past six months since I first posted on MB.

I first discovered MB last April. I'd done a google search on reconciliation. It was unreal, how much the descriptions of WS's fit me. Coming here helped me to see a bit what had happened in my life, and it also gave me the courage to end it with OM in July. I didn't post though until September, after my divorce was final.

I've come here for the past six months for support and help in trying to work it out with my now exH. I appreciate it all very much.

I haven't made much progress at all in that department. It's okay. I feel much stronger for having come here and shared my feelings openly , and I've listened to all of your replies, and considered what you've said.

I really don't think my exH will ever return to me. That's okay, too. If someone doesn't want me, then I am certainly not going to spend my life pining away for something I once had, long ago. I feel he and I could be happy again, but I'm only half of the equation.

I will come back here from time to time and respond to people whom I think I can help. I don't like to dwell on my role as a WS, but I did learn from it, and perhaps can help others.

Life is looking better each month that passes by since ending it with OM, and since my divorce. OM is nothing more than an odd memory now. I still love my exh, and perhaps down the road he'll love me again.

In the meantime, I'm concentrating on my three children and their needs. When my youngest is 18, which is a few years away, and IF I feel 'over' all that has happened in my life, then I will think about dating people.

I never thought I'd be alone, without a partner. IT's not too bad at all. Would I prefer having a partner? Yes. But- only the right one. And--only after my children are a bit older. They are my primary focus for now.

Big thanks to everyone, but especially to JL, Kily, Coffeeman, Rlyhurtin, Litchfield, Olderandwiser, Budwiser,Checkers,Porsche, Sharon, LisainLondon, and Pepperband.

Pepperband said to me, way back in September-to concentrate on being grateful for the good things in my life, and not concentrating on winning back my exH. I think I'm finally doing that. (most the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

God bless all of you for trying to salvage/strengthen your marriages. I'm with you!

H_P

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

H_P,

I am glad you are getting to this state, but I would also like to suggest that you not give up your dream.

I know you cannot continually dwell on the past or it will kill your future, but I am really thinking of your future. You never know when your exH will heal and start to see you differently. It does happen.

I am not saying put your life on hold. You seem to have your priorities correct: your children, yourself, your career. I just think that he will come around. Most of the people I have heard about getting remarried seemed to do it in the 2 -5 year span, some even longer. I would guess it takes awhile for the healing to occur.

H_P, I do hope you stay around here. You are a great source of help and inspiration to people here. You are far more effective than you realize. It is your honesty and heartfelt comments that really distinguish your remarks here.

In short, you are a good woman H_P don't forget that and don't be afraid to share your gifts.

God Bless,

JL

Hi H_P. Forgive me for being absent from your threads but when I see Kily, Just Learning, Lisa in London, and all the fine folks giving you their wise comments (with which I agree 100%), there is not much I can add, BUT that doesn't mean that I don't check on your threads or that I don't care about what happens to you.

This place can certainly get depressing after awhile (especially with new folks suffering), and many wise folks leave and never come back. I hope that is not the case with you, because even though you and I were not able to save our marriages, I do beleive that we have something to offer those that are asking for help. You've certainly proved your worth when you've answered many of those pleas for help, and I have no doubt that those people in pain have been helped by your words. So please, don't make this a permanent departure.

Your friend, TMCM.

Dear H_P

I was only wondering how you were doing this week and then you pop up!

I understand completely how you can gain immense stength from this board (I certainly did during my darkest hours and days). I also understand how sometimes you need to take time away from it. As Coffee Man says it can become draining and depressing. How many times I have clicked on a link and read the story of another poor person facing pain, betrayal, regret, remorse. Whilst every story is different, we're really all pretty much the same.

I too haven't posted much about myself recently - there has been nothing much to say, and I also wonder what advice I can give others. I sometimes feel ill equipped giving advice, but always like to think I can lend support. If I have to you, I am pleased that I was able to do that during your difficult days.

So my friend, life for you and I will sort of continue in a similar way. I am actually meeting H next Thursday for the first time in nearly 3 moths. I have decided to ask for a divorce. Of course that saddens me - we never think our Ms will end, they were meant to be for life. But like you, I know H won't forgive me, won't understand, won't address himself, and won't give up his OW.

Take best care of yourself H_P and don't go away for good. You can lend support to others as you have to me.

Thinking of you and wishing you health and happiness from very sunny London today (not an iota of fog in site!!!).

Lisa

H_P

You've made me happy.
I am grateful. Thanks.

Pep

Hey HP,

I have learned so much from your posts and appreciate all the contributions you have made to my understanding of the other side. You are a wonderful person and shining example of true character at work. I know that was pretty sappy for me [and I don't even have PMS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ] but I wanted to let you know this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

H_P

Perhaps you could help "ItisTime" a very lost WW , posting on 2 MB boards, PlanA/PlanB and Just Found Out.

She is dangerously close to the edge.

Pep

H_P-

Hey, I was wondering about you so thanks for the update. You sound determined and that's great! I can relate to your need to shift priorities and focus on other things. For me, the pity party thing gets old after awhile and you know what else? There are lots of good people out there!! In a way I think it's a good sign that you've been able to break away from this whole D thing and occupy yourself in other ways. I'm not going to word this as a farewell because I sincerely hope you plan on dropping in from time to time, as I do.

As others have mentioned, you've been a great source of comfort for alot of us so thank you! Yourself and LIL in particular have been a huge source of comfort to me because of the sincerity and honesty of your posts. You've given me hope that, at some point, my XW will have the courage to face up to issues on her side of the ledger and, as a result, find happiness again.

And I'd be neglecting my duties as the eternal optimist if I didn't tell you that I think things will work out between you and your XH. At some point he'll stop feeling sorry for himself and make a concerted effort to mend things up. I bet he's probably noticed some changes lately right? Perhaps you're not as eager to engage him on the phone or in person? You not pursuing him will cause him to take notice, trust me. Take care of yourelf and god bless you and the family!

that pepper is a smart one
lots of people hang around here that have little angel wings....just when you need them...

I think we find peace when we work on ourselves not in the pop-psycho babble of "I have to find ME and do things for ME...(memememememememememe)
but when we seek becoming that person who WE like being with in and outside of our selves...

Grace to you and yours hopeful....
and know that sometimes it's your little wings and wisdom that someone is searching for...

(I'm more the type to poke em in the rear-end with my pitchfork anyways.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

ARK

H-P hi,

Glad to hear you are feeling better. Exh may feel trashed for some while yet but he may only be a heartbeat from falling for you again.

People aren't angry on Valentine's day with someone unless there are feelings there.

Good luck

HP-

Sorry I didn't get to you sooner. My life has been like a roller coaster these days.

It seems as if you have reached a new place in your recovery. It's a SAD and bitersweet place, but necessary in your path to forgiving yourself.

HP-
I still have SO much hope for you and your X. Look at how my sitch turned out. For a while, I actually believed that HE cared. Your H isn't treating you badly like that. Take comfort in this. He is a good man. You are a GREAT lady. If it's meant to be, then someday it WILL be. In the meantime - you're in the right place in your life....

Hugs -
Kim.

H_P,

I am glad I came in to browse and found you. I think of you often. It sounds like you have reached the "okay with how things are stage". I got there too and that is when my real recovery began. I am feeling so much better now, thanks to you and a lot of others love and support.

I know I have always said that despite our different sides of the coin we seem very similar. I am sorry things didn't come around for you like you had hoped. But time is time and there is all the time in the world if you want there to be. I fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your outlook, decided time was up for my M and any chance for reconciliation. I am glad that you seem happy and content with your aspirations and feelings about where you want to put your energies. No matter how worthy and honorable and right trying to save a relationship is, it takes a tremendous toll on the one trying, especially if it is, as it was in both our cases, one-sided.

I hope you get better and better day by day. You sound well and I am happy for that. I hope you continue to forgive yourself and let others forgive you.

Take care friend and the best of luck and love to you.

hopeful, you touched a lot of people with your posts. the sincerity and decentness of your nature came though. I had often asked you some hard questions. you answered them by not addressing them. they were to help move you off the spot and get you to go in another way. I tried to chance the focus of your orientation from yourself i.e. (you told him several times how much you needed him) to where you would ask what did he need? maybe not directly asking him, but keeping that question in mind. as I said in order to win him back you would have to have become another person. that is change your outlook from needing him to fill an emotional hole to one of a person who,despite being flawed, was attractive and fun to be with. by the way we are all flawed in some way. the ward nurse says i'm awkward because I don't like her looks and the way she wants me to take my medicine. just kidding <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> your resolve to back off is a good step in your life and Im sure the children need your energy to help them cope with growing up. we both know that you are the best person your ex. could ever be with again. but, respect that his pain is greater than his need for you in his life. its all about his needs as to your involvement with him from now on. so better that you attend to your needs and the needs of your children. paste that smile on your face and go out into the sunshine. God bless

Thanks to all of you for your heartfelt replies! I appreciate ALL of them very much.

Let me just say one more thing, if I may. Last week someone in my extended family died. This was someone whom my exH had maintained a relationship with, throughout the separation/divorce. An elderly person. Shows how kind exH is!

Anyway, I think my shift in thinking began months ago, but last week's events kind of pushed me towards it even more. ExH went to pick up DD at my parents' house. This was my mother's sibling who had died. My exH didn't go to the door to get our daughter.

I can understand how he can treat me this way, but do elderly parents deserve this? (my parents) Keep in mind that I had the A, not my parents. My parents always loved exH deeply, and my dad told him many times how he thought of him as a son. Could he not have walked to the door?

I understand, and I still love him.

The service for my uncle was on Monday. ExH attended, but my parents had to go up to him to say hello. When we first walked into the chapel, I went to shake our pastor's hand. ExH never went near our pastor, whom he hasn't spoken with since the separation. It was all so sad. He seems to be mad at everyone. After the entire service was over, the pastor went up to my exH and shook his hand. I couldn't believe that exH wouldn't even say 'hello' to this man who had been our pastor for the past 10 years. When I first got out of our vehicle, and saw exH in his car--others in my party (my family) went up to him. I decided to simply hang back, and not say a word. Later on, before entering the chapel, I did say 'how are you?' Just that.

One more thing- at the graveside service the pastor spoke of forgiveness of each other , as God forgives us. I kind of looked back at exH's face and it was contorted, trying to stifle extreme emotion. (crying) It, again, was so sad.

Finally, DD was here with me and my parents this same day. ExH came to pick up sons for dinner. By this time, DD was in the car, with my parents. She was driving them somewhere, leaving me alone here. ExH pulled up, got out of his car, and came to the porch. He weakly waved to the car- and didn't go say 'hi' to our daughter. She hadn't been able to come to the service, he hasn't seen her in a week.

Isn't it sad that my parents make him so uncomfortable that he can't go greet his own daughter? I really am more sure than ever that I've done the right thing, by letting go. I do love him, and I understand how wounded he is.

I feel sad that there's not a thing I do , to help him. He doesn't want that.

I finally talked about all this with the brother that he's still close to-my brother. Brother said that I should back off, that might help. My brother was one who refused to meet OM, until right near the end of my R with OM. Brother suggested I back off exH, and I'd already decided to do so.

I'd looked back at all the emails I"d sent exH, about one a week in the past seven weeks. Full of love proclamations. Only had one response, and my behavior struck me as very pathetically pitiful.

Saturday I had my children all here. I cleaned the house, baked a cake, and prepared a great meal. We played games together, just as we have done for years. I work myself to the bone, to provide for my children in a decent way. I make more now, than when exH left here. I'm proud of that fact, since I stayed home for 15 years. Anyway, I thought, "ExH is missing out on this, a pleasant but simple home filled with loving people- out of his own choice. I'm not perfect, but I'm an okay human being. I'm sick of begging."

Now, to respond to your words:
JL

Thanks again for your encouragement. I agree, I still have the dream. It is, however, much less often and it is feeling a bit like only a pipe dream.

You're so right, that I can't dwell on the past or it will kill my future. I pray he can heal, and see me differently. At this point, it just looks doubtful, J.L.

I WILL stay around here. I truly dislike referring to myself as a former WW. For many, many years I was a very faithful one. I don't want the worse thing I've ever done to define who I am. I guess though if I can help others, than that awful life experience isn't all in vain.

Coffeeman,

Thanks for your encouragement and support, too.
You're right, we do have something to offer- even if our marriages didn't survive.

Lisa in London,
I'm glad to hear from you, too. I will read your thread in a bit and see what I can add, if anything! My thoughts are with you. We sure know how hard all of this is.

Pepperband

So glad I made you happy! Thanks again for your encouragement.

I will check out the thread you mentioned later on tonight. Lately I haven't had extra time to come here, and No PRIVACY, either.

Melodylane
My goodness, I'm blushing! I really didn't know my post had affected you, too. I thank you for your compliments. I truly was a person of character, until I had my A. Thanks for seeing me that way, still.

Thanks so much, for your kind words. they weren't sappy at all!

Also~ I'm so glad your marriage has worked out, and that you are a forgiving person.

Litchfield~
Thanks for your reply as well. I agree, the pity party does get old. There are many good people out there. I thought of this, on Saturday, when I was here all day with my children. I feel I have a lot to offer someone, and my exH doesnt see me as such, at all. Someday, someone will appreciate me, again.

I too hope that your ExW can come around, so to speak. It's hard to say. I still pray that my exH 'comes around', too. I say this, even though I do clearly see HIS faults, too.

You said perhaps my exH will see changes, too. I'm sure he did at the funeral, when I didn't rush up to greet him, right away. I won't keep trying so hard. I hope he does notice, and perhaps wonder. Maybe not though, Litchfield. He might be glad that I've given up!

Ark~

You're absolutely correct. Pepper is smart, and we do need to work on liking ourselves, and being happy on our own.

I appreciate your thoughts here very much, Ark!

Olderand wiser~
You're very kind to respond and give me some hope! I like what you said,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Exh may feel trashed for some while yet but he may only be a heartbeat from falling for you again.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right about Valentine's Day, too. I feel he does have feelings for me, but he just is too hurt to do anything.

~Kily~
Thanks for your kindness, too. I'm sorry that your life has been such a rollercoaster lately. I'll have to check it out, later on tonight.

Thanks for the hopeful thoughts, too. I feel there is some chance, but way down the line.

~Sharon~,
GREAT to hear from you! Glad you are doing so well these days. Thanks for all the help you've given me.

You're right, real recovery begins when you realize what the truth actually is. I am quite content now in my future, with or without exHusband.

~checkers~,
Thanks again for your words, always peppered with such humor! Appreciate that very much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> by the way we are all flawed in some way. the ward nurse says i'm awkward because I don't like her looks and the way she wants me to take my medicine. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right, we are all flawed. Some of us wear our flaws more proudly than others. You're right, his pain is greater than his need for me. So be it.

The man never once told me he needed me. I always told him I needed to be needed, and to hear that I was. He couldn't do it.(couldn't tell me, refused) He showed me by his actions, maybe, but I failed to see it. I wanted to 'hear' it. It's all a big shame!

Thanks again, MB friends for all your insight.

God Bless all of you,
H_P

H-P hi,

I'd like to ask you about your exh's motives for attending your uncles' funeral.

Did you ever introduce OM to this uncle?

I can understand the absolute betrayal exh feels by your family meeting and thereby accepting the OM before the divorce was final. He was simply trashed. It must have taken enormous courage for exh to attend that funeral and face so many betrayers.

Could it be that exh stayed in contact with your uncle because he was the only one in your family who remained loyal to him?

The pastor was also extremely insensitive when he chose to talk about forgiveness. It must have been horrible being forced to think about forgiveness in the midst of your family, all betrayers, and you who have taken his home, his kids.

And Now H-P, you are whining about him not having the decency to walk to the door to greet the parents-in-law who condoned his wifes adultery. H-P you need to get these things in proportion.

I think you should get some counselling.

HP-

I think you need to readjust the lens on that microscope that you are using. Perhaps the power isn't exactly right to view the specimen that you are studying.

Girl- your husband is in PAIN! It is VERY difficult for him to approach these people because they are YOUR people. He LOVES these people and to address them would mean that he has to deal with OLD wounds. Not only did he lose his life with you, he lost his ties to them.

I think about my OS and X. There are times when I am angry because X has erased OS from his life. Why did he? I think - HE NEVER must have cared....Truthfully- He needed to because OS was no longer going to be a significant part of his life....

Please look at this and go with it. I think you might uncover more things once you've consdered my points. The fact that your husband came speaks volumes to me....

Sorry about your uncle. I hope that his passing was peaceful and that your family takes comfort that he is in a better place.

Much love to you.

Hi ,
Thanks for your reply, K. I'm just had a few minutes here.

You're right about the pain part. I explained this to my mom after the service, and told her that he DOES CARE, and that's why he's so uncomfortable. I said if he didn't care, he would have acted more 'normal'.

I was more or less venting here last night when I told about the event. I don't talk about this stuff in my daily life, it's just too much of a downer/bore.

And Older- Uncle did meet other man. Uncle had many meals with OM and me. Eventually OM met many in my family, even the brother and sister in law. Brother and sister in law still see my exH quite often, I'm glad to say.

ExH visited my uncle as he was very elderly, and alone. Also, they both come from the same far away U.S. city. ExH is a great guy, and he felt he should still see the man.

Furthermore, my parents had exH over for dinner during the separation. ExH has come to another family event, a funeral, that took place over a year ago. At that one it didn't seem quite as tense, but there were more folks there to absorb everything. He also was with us for one of our children's school event. That was about 19 months ago. He was much more open then. Don't forget, at the funeral my mom had just lost her brother. Couldn't exH have thought of this? I think it's sad that my mom, a woman in her seventies, has to go up to him at her brother's funeral. My mom and dad treated exH very well for years and years. ExH is nice to others in my family who MET OM, why can't he be decent to my parents?

As far as the pastor goes, it's part of a pastor's job to preach at funerals about the beliefs of the person who's being buried. We're members of a traditional religion, not fire and brimstone preachers. The pastor said it in a way that was not directed at anyone, but towards human beings in general. Forgiveness is important for everyone's own mental health. ExH has refused to go to church since we separated. Your idea of the pastor being insensitive is ridiculous, to me.

One more thing. I applaud the fact that when I did go to the pastor in August, he wasn't judgmental or condemming of me. He even said that people often turn to others when needs in their marriage aren't met or dealt with. He also said marriges are very salvagable, even after divorce. So perhaps, Older, my pastor is able to look at the big picture in life- and not one aspect of a human's behavior.

Thanks to all who've helped me.

Take care,
H_P

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 07:18 PM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

I really need your input on this, and I'm not too proud to 'bump'this up. I know I said I'd moved on, but the circumstances surrounding the funeral got me 'stirred up' again. Please, MB friends- comments? Input? Ideas?

MY gut instinct is to STILL send off another expression of love to my exH, but it seems pointless.

Thoughts?

H_P

I have been keeping up with this post, wanting to respond becasue of a recent situation in my life. Kily's post here triggered me to need to respond. She said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Girl- your husband is in PAIN! It is VERY difficult for him to approach these people because they are YOUR people. He LOVES these people and to address them would mean that he has to deal with OLD wounds. Not only did he lose his life with you, he lost his ties to them.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HP, you are not alone. Look at my sitch here.....

For a brief rundown, xW had an A for the last 3 years or so of our M. She filed for DV in 05/02, DV became final in 10/02. The first of May, 2002, was the last time that I had spoken to ex In-laws. They shunned me totally. Even though I lived next door to them just until last week. They had known about her A the entire time, but never told me about it.

I always felt that I had the perfect in-laws. There was never an angry word between me or any of them for the 16 years total that I was with xW. We enjoyed many, many family functions together. We enjoyed several small vacation trips every year. I was treated no different than their son, and I treated them as my "blood" family. We had the "in-law" relationship that people dream of. All of this while the A was on-going, and them knowing. HOW could they enjoy thmselves on vaction with me KNOWING what their daughter was doing to their son-in-law, one that they adored? Well...I figured then that maybe they didn't adore me all that much. It would be impossible for me to even ACCEPT an invitation if I had been in their shoes, let alone ENJOY it!

Well...just a week after our DV was final, xW remarried. NOT to OM. She married a guy that she had known for just 5 or 6 weeks. She had gone straight from OM to her present husband, within a matter of days. No...there wasn't any monkey business going on with her present H. I know this for a fact because I had a PI monitoring her and videoing her every move during this time. She was TOTALLY dedicated to OM#1. Until OMW ended up pregnant. That ended that. Since we were still M'ed, I guess you could call him OM #2. But...that is neither here nor there.

Anyway, after her remarriage in Oct 2002, I had accepted the fact that any relationship with the in-laws was over. Taking into account the fact that they had known the whole time, that they had shunned me for so long, upheld my XW when differences would come up, and especially the fact that they had a NEW son-in-law, I knew in my heart that I had lost an entire family, one that I loved and revered dearly. I could just see myself visiting with them, and the XW and new hubby walking in. NOT! We had no kids. Why would I even consider visiting? My gut told me that the ONLY tie that I had to the in-laws was the XW, and since my "tie" to her was gone, so was my tie to them.

Cutting to the chase here.....Due to some stipulations in our settlement agreement, and some other things, I remained in the marital home. She was to take possession of it, but I could remain there until all of the financial details were finalized, which was taking some time. All the while I was just NEXT DOOR to the in-laws.

After the DV was final, I began building a new home. Due to the fact that the new home should be completed around the same time that I was to vacate, I did (I confess) used some legal maneuvers and some petty stalling in order to keep from moving twice. I was hoping that I could move straight from the marital home inot my new home.

I ALMOST did it. New home should be completed within the next 2-3 weeks. But...I had to move last week due to her taking me to court. As a side note, she STILL can't do anything, because all the finances haven't been completed. So...the house is empty, and will be for another month or so.

Gee...I haven't posted in so long, I am making up for it now with my long-windedness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This past Saturday was my last day. I had just a couple more loads to move. I was out in the shop boxing up a few things when I heard my name being called. I thought my cousin had stopped to help(he was going to try), but to my surprise, it was my father-in-law! He knew the time was near, just didn't know exactly. He was leery about approaching me, but after assuring him that we could talk, he came over to where I was.

He proceeded to tell me that he couldn't let me leave without saying goodbye. That he was sorry for everything that had happened. He informed me after my asking that the reason they couldn't tell me about the A, was that the XW had convinced them that I would probably become deadly violent. I have NEVER had that kind of reputation. He also added that seeing how I DID react, he wanted to kick himself for even believing that. But he also wanted me to understand that she IS his daughter, and that he couldn't bear the thought of doing something that could very well be harmful to his child. Well...I can understand that to some degree. He went on to say that he wished that he could go back and do it differently.

Tears welled up in his eyes when he talked about the past. How he, too, felt as though, and always did, that I was the son-in-law that fathers dream of. He spoke in detail about many of our family outings. He talked of all the good times, and the vacations. He spoke of the deaths in our lives that we suffered through together, the sicknesses, and how close we always were.

He asked if I would talk to his Dad, my XW's grandfather. I said yes. He went and got him and brought him to where I was. We had the same conversation.

All of this after a YEAR of silence...

At the end of our talk, I informed him of where he could find all of the keys after I left. We said our goodbyes.

I came back later that day, just after dark, and completed my loading of my things. I looked at what had been my "castle" for the past 14 years. I really hated leaving it. But I had to accept that it was no longer to be. I had.

I went to hide the keys just as I had told him that I would. Then it hit me. If he was man enough to break the silence, and desperately "bury the hatchet", I was going to be considerate enough, and man enough to walk next door, ring the doorbell, and personally hand the keys to him. I proceeded to do so.

Then...all h3ll breaks loose.

I saw a father-in-law, a mother-in-law, and a sister-in-law break down and become emotional like I have never seen. I saw reality take a running leap and smack all of them right square in the face. I listened, and became very emotional as well, as they literally begged for all of this to go away. I watched as all of them shed more tears than I had seen from all of them together in the 16 years that I knew them.

I experienced a showing of remorse from them to no end. They asked me over and over again not to totally remove myself from their lives. Reality had hit them so hard that it literally knocked them to their knees.

After a FULL YEAR of total silence.

I explained that it was equally hard for me as well. But...she had a new husband. They had a new son-in-law. I was no longer a part of their family. Decency would not allow me to be.

The shocker was when all of them informed me that the XW couldn't possibly replace me in their eyes. I was their son-in-law. Still was. Always would be. Hoped that I felt the same.

My XW has withdrawn from them as well. She hardly visits them, and just lives a couple of miles away. My SIL informed me that the XW has not been to visit her since we were still married. Said that the last time that my Xw had been there, I was with her. She even used that as a good reason for me to visit. That I would not run into the XW and new husband.

For all you people out there either in the middle of an A, or contemplating one....

DON'T!!!

You are destroying more lives than you could imagine. Not just your M. It is so sad to know that in my sitch, that the amount of love that was exchanged between SEVERAL people, has been injured soooo bad. I want to have a relationship with the in-laws. They want what WE had with each other.

All of this shot to h3ll because of some self-centered selfishness. I hope the XW is happy.

You see, my relationship with the in-laws has been reduced to one of cordiality. We can no longer experience the closeness we enjoyed. Somewhere in this world, relationships that people dream of, that they treasure, have been utterly destroyed because somebody developed a severe case of the crazies.

And OTHER, INNOCENT people are paying the WORST price.

To all WS's and OP....THIS is reality. Ask yourself if it is worth it.

I can tell you, with NO reservation, that it isn't. I am over the XW. I have indeed moved on.

But I don't know if I can heal from this useless pain. It is a pain of magnitude like no other. It is a pain that is as hard to deal with as the initial betrayal of the XW. I had not truly experienced such pain, due to the silence. To know that there is still so much mutual, intense love and respect that we have for each other, yet not being able to act on it as we are accustomed, is painful like no other. I have to deal with that for the rest of my life. My heart and mind tells me that there should be NO reason why my in-laws and us cannot enjoy what we had. After all, we have NO hard feelings to each other.

But somebody wasn't happy until they drove a wedge as big as the state of Texas in the middle of it.

HP, I would bet the farm that is where your XH is. And if he's anything like me, it ranks right up there with D-day.

It's just that every time I see the in-laws, and reflect about our times, that D-day pain is there again. In a different form, but there nonetheless.

I may have contributed to the demise of my M, but I DIDN'T deserve this.

HCII

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 10:24 PM: Message edited by: hcii ]</small>

H_P-

hcii has some very good insight on the difficulty of these extended family relationships. Just wanted to mention that I too can relate to how painful it must be for your XH to see your family. My former sister-in-law called me this week out of the blue as she was in town with her son visting my XW. We had a nice conversation but to hear her tell me about how everyone misses me was very difficult as I was close to all of them. Seriously, it's taken me a couple of sleepless nights to get back to even keel so try to give your XH lots of rope on this one...