Sorry to start a new thread but I need more replies so am asking a more specific question. My story is in my profile, below.

Basically my H is cake eater-likes to be snug as a bug at home with me but likes his OW calling him/emailing him at work. I don't think he has any reason to stop really as the pattern now is I find out(there have been 4 D Days's), I hit the roof, I decide LBing gets me nowhere, we say the s word(separation) a few times to each other,then we start being nice and are superficially ok but I think he has learnt he can keep going. He is very passive my H-she pursues him.

I really do not know which way to jump-separate or put up and shut up. He has always refused MC. Should I insist as a condition of him staying and if and when he refuses, ask him to leave?

help please.

Deluded

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: Deluded ]</small>

Why do you want him there, if he is not making a committment to you? Are you feeling that you are better than nothing? What you stated, about him wanting his cake and eating it too - should explain everything to you.

You can't for MC. You could make suggestions, finding one, give him information on one, and ask if he would be willing to try. If not, I wouldn't give him much time, and ask him to leave. Why shoould you play second fiddle to the OW? You are better than that, and all you are doing is placing yourself at the bottom of the pole.

Either he gives up the other woman, and committs to the marriage. Or he leaves. You will go nowhere, until the other person is totally gone, totally gone. No progress can be made while he is still in contact with the other woman.

Your set up to fail. Look hard at yourself, I'm sure you don't deserve this. Give him a choice and stick by it. Be strong and don't be taken advantage of..
Be strong...Your worth it

Dear Deluded

I am sorry that things are continuing to be so difficult for you.

I think you know my answer - until there is NC and a commitment to MC, you will find it very difficult to re-build your M.

Should you give him an ultimatum? I can't answer that, but I do think that the status quo will not change unless you decide to change it. You are right, your H is cake-eating (and boy is he a greedy fella)/fence sitting and probably thinks he can get away with it now. It seems he has no incentive to want to change, you are there for him, OW is there for him. He is pig in muck, happy as Larry etc. etc.

A question for you. Do you want to live your life, (and are you happy too) with your H and OW constantly there and between you as things are now? If the answer is no, then you will need to change the situation.

Thinking of you.
Lisa

Thanks for your replies Lisa ,Faith,Bradnessa. I reluctantly have to admit that I know you are all right. I think I have not so far been ready to be without him. I know there are lots of WS's out there who came out of the fog quickly but it has been 10 months now since D Day. My difficulty is that contact is always hidden and it gets harder to prove it but I feel that as long as he won't budge on marriage counselling etc he is still fogged up.And yet-he has shown some signs of insight recently, he actually wanted to talk about things after last Sunday he even said he wasn't sure if he loved OW or the idea of her. Even as I write this though my heart sinks...because that means that only a week ago he was telling me he still has feelings for her.

I suppose I am headed for separation then. It is going to be horrible. But it can't be more horrible than this rollercoaster I have been riding for the past 10 months. But then I look at my 3 beautiful little girls and I so badly want to keep their little world safe and happy.

I have to accept that we never really got our acts together as a family-H wouldn't do much with us,and he would spend time with them when I was at work etc.So I often used to feel I was a single mother in terms of decision making and responsibility anyway.

I pray he wakes up and wants to save our family but maybe it really is too late and it is just that he is too passive to mke the change himself.

But I really do love him and this is breaking my heart and engulfing me and threatening to destroy me....I won't let that happen but how do I stop it? I am so frightened to be alone.

Deluded

hi!
wow you have been in hell!! I understand my situation more now that I read your thread. Until the OW is gone there will still be trouble.. your daughters deserve a warm family as do my girls. Dont be a doormat.. he has got to make the decision.. maybe force him to take a good look at what he has in his daughters.. When you both decided to have children that was the deal you made to those girls to protect them and give them a family..time for him to get out of the fog and realize that the best thing he has is you