Has anyone found it impossible to forgive even tho the WS has made all the right changes, counselling and totally committed to marriage and family?

My H.

I stopped contact with OM immediately, I asked H to go to MC with me, I did everything in my power to turn myself inside out and address why I had made the bad choices that I had.

It wasn't enough and after months of verbal abuse and ongoing trauma every week, H decided to stay out all night (worried me sick), sleep with someone else and then move out.

I will never justify what I did or even try and comprehend the pain I infliced on my H, but I am truly remorseful for what I did and will live with the regret all my life. I sometimes wonder if H loved me at all.

Lisa

Putting things in perspective, I envy you. I know I could forgive and have forgave my husband for an affair but I cannot forgive the lying to me about it. We all make mistakes and when we do we should be adult enough to take responsibility for it. If my husband had been yours and is doing all he can to make you happy , well, I can't imagine not being satisfied with that. Count your blessings, as you have more than most on these forums. I live with my husband who also is the perfect husband now, except he will look me in the eyes and lie to me, it hurts and its destroys feelings and certainly trust. I know I will never really trust him again since he never admitted the affair and I assume on some level they still contact each other. I wish you luck and really try hard to forgive him as he is making it up to you and not LYING TO YOU.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could forgive and have forgave my husband for an affair but I cannot forgive the lying to me about it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When was the last time you heard of an affair where no lying was involved?

Your right, Coffee. What I meant was that I understood the whys of the affair and have had no trouble dealing with that and we have talked about bettering our relationship etc. We are much more thoughtful of each other. Yeah I know what you are thinking, lying is not thoughtful. We all make mistakes and do dumb things. What I now can't forgive is the fact that knowing he had an affair or may still be just contacting her, he has denied it and lied to me about ever having the affair. THAT is what hurts me. I can and would believe its over if he would tell me but he only wants to forget and move on. Great for him and bad for me and marriage I think. You probably don't understand that do you?

I think it was in "After the Affair" that I read about forgiveness not being a black/white thing, but a process. She described it as percentages, but I view it a bit more as a staircase where each step lifts me up. It truly enlightened me. So right now my plan is take steps towards forgiveness for each act of healing. If I feel like he's truly remorseful, that's a step. If he could tell me the whole truth, that's a step. I have recognized that I have contributed to the problems in our marriage, and that took me a bit further. We still have a long way to go, and to be honest, this is one of those mornings that my own mood has taken me back about half a step. Time we spend together and learning to be happy will take use further. I'm only about 25% forgiving today, but I can see where that can increase in time if we're both careful. I feel that if both of our love banks can fill up and stay that way, it will be hard to hold onto the pain.

Chardondeere.

Yes indeed, now I know what you mean. The continuing lies after d-day, definetely make forgiving very hard, if almost impossible, to do. But let's keep in mind that (as somebody here pointed quite eloquently) forgiving and reconciliation are two very different things. Depending on the situation, a BS may be willing to forgive his/her WS and yet not be willing to reconciliate OR be willing to reconciliate but hold off on the forgiving part until further evidence from the WS that s/he is doing his/her part in the marital recovery. And of course the third option is no forgiveness and no reconciliation with the WS, which usually happens when the WS leaves the BS for the WS, and the BS has lost all love for the WS. But ultimately, forgiveness liberates both BS and WS if they are willing to do what is necessary for rebuilding the M.

2Much COffee, your right? I realize that I really haven't forgave my husband at all. I can't until I know its over. He choses not to tell me anything so as long as I beleive he is contacting her either throught email or phone, whatever, I can't move one. I have no proof at all on the contacting b ut his silence is what I go by. I want to forgive, 'and move on, as for me it would be easy if he would talk to me but as my MC said it won't happen as long as I belive he is hiding things from me. I need his help to move on and it would be smooth actually but he sees it a differnt way and choses not to talk to me and its very possible its all over. Just don't know and thats problem I will always live with long as Im with him.

i have a question for anyone that might know about this. is it possible that your spouse loved even when hw cheated on you. is it possible to share your body with someone else and never stop loving your wife?

Bradnessa,

Do you mean forgive or do you mean reconcile? I have forgiven my WW but I may never reconcile. Why? I tried and tried and in doing so, made myself a whole person again. To my surprise I now find that I do not wish to reconcile. I am at peace with where I am at. See "I am at that point." for that story.

Lisa,

I have followed some of your threads. You are a FWS and I think you are afraid to let that go. I don't label you one way or another. You're just someone, who, like everyone else in the world, makes mistakes. You are no different than me, a BS. We are both people who are trying to do the best they can with themselves. You should hold your head high. If I am stepping out of line, please forgive me, but IMHO, the person who needs to forgive you is yourself. Regret is a heavy burden to carry the rest of your life. Did I make any sense or am I rambling?

clarissa,

Define what love means to you and you may find the answer. For me, that answer is a definite NO.

-Luki ( sorry, I'm feeling preachy tonight )