First off, see this post to understand some things I might end up referencing...

H still hasn't read the book, in fact he doesn't even know where it is
H didn't end up moving out, he's sticking around and has a job
I *did* leave my job and cut off OM completely.. just got my new job recently.

And now everything still feels so.. dry..

My H is still not attracted to me, and I've actually lost 20lbs in the past month (also seem to have developed an eating disorder, but that's not relevant here), I can't remember the last time we've been intimate. In fact, it was BEFORE the last time I posted here.. At least.. it was sometime in either December of January, I can't remember.

Anyway.. now I'm onto OM #2..

WHAT is wrong with me? H doesn't seem to care about my EAs, doesn't want to work with me on solving our problems.. so I have unmet ENs which he REFUSES to do anything about.. we married young, very young, we're both 21 right now.. and I don't want to let all my friends and family down by letting this marriage break up .. I know HE wants it to, but he's not initiating.. it's like he wants ME to leave HIM.. but I won't do that.. I made vows for life and with God at my side I will *FIND* a way to make this work..

thing is.. I really truly feel so very, very lost right now.. OM #2 has gone from EA to slowly morphing into a PA over the past few weeks.. kissing, petting.. no clothing removal yet.. but I see it as imminent if I don't change my current path..

So, I could cut off OM #2 completely..

but how would I stop myself from tracking down a #3? If H refuses to meet my ENs, I feel deep within my soul that I will continue to go on like this. I don't WANT to go on like this, I feel like crap.. H would probably leave me on his own if he knew what was going on... and this time, I'm even more ashamed (as before he couldn't grasp the fact that an EA was even "bad").. because by ANYONE'S standards I've become an adulteress...

I've been throwing all sorts of derogatory insulting words at myself today.. and I almost want to fall to the ground crying.. I hate what I've become, and what I'm becoming.. when I talk to my friends, they say "well if you know it's wrong, don't do it" .. and I just WISH it was that easy.. nobody seems to understand exactly where I'm at, or what's going on in my head, or just how insane my romantic life has become..

As I write this, I keep checking my aol messenger hoping that OM #2 will sign on, but I know he won't because he's on a date tonight. I have no claim on him, so I shouldn't be jealous, but I am.

Please help me.. I want to love H like I did before.. I need to learn to just accept what he is, and what he isn't, and what I'm going to get out of this marriage, and what I won't.. and I need to stop straying like a cheap $1 hooker, because that's exactly what I feel like.. I'm crying as I write this.. I love H, I do.. in so many ways we are perfect for each other.. but the longer I go feeling unattractive to him, and the lower my self-esteem goes, the more I am susceptable to a charming man who tells me I'm beautiful and promises to make me his princess....

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 09:53 PM: Message edited by: youngandlost ]</small>

Wow.
Yes stop contact with OM #2 and talk to your husband....look into some MC.
Most important look at yourself, your 21 you have your whole life ahead of you, become sure of yourself and like who you are or what you are striving to become. If your H is unwilling to work on your marriage your in a tough spot, don't give up but you have to stop screwing around and like who you are. One step at a time

I *want* to work on fulfilling H's ENs, but he still hasn't read the book or done the questionnare, so I'm so lost here..

and I know I should cut off OM #2.. but I can't.. I tried to kill myself last week and he's the person that talked me out of it.. got me to go induce vomiting to get the pills out of me..

Unlike OM #1, who was purely physical, and a jerk and all sorts of bad things, who I was able to cut off pretty quickly because quite frankly, I don't trust him..

But OM #2 is different.. he's caring, compassionate, and sweet.. he let me know how he felt about me, but he never pushed, never pushes anything.. kind of makes me feel worse in a way.. because it's not like he kissed me and I just kind of let it happen.. he put himself in a position where if anything is/was to happen that *I* would be the one to make a move, and he respects any and every boundary I set, and never seems to mind it..

he just called me. from the date (a wedding, they're at the reception right now).. to tell me that he was thinking about me and couldn't stand to have a whole day go by without talking to me..

But I know I should cut him off.. ok I know that..
but the undelying problem is, this is now a RECURRING theme in me.. how do I make myself stop?
I mean I can't just cut every single human being out of my life forever...

right.. MC.. can't afford it, and he leaves for military basic training in a few weeks...

yeah .. 9weeks of basic plus 6months of technical training... that's a lot of time for me to track down OM 3 .. 4 ....

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: youngandlost ]</small>

Seek professional help as soon as possible, like tomorrow...There are resources out there for those who can't afford it.

Only other advice I have is for you to divorce your current H if you can't stop cheating.

youngin

I concur with jdmac you must seek professional help regardless of the funds or perceived lack of funds...
If you are working look into an Employee assistance program...(EAP) self referrals are 100 % confidential....
check into religious based support groups in your community as well...as well as talking to couselors about sliding scales....

I have some questions for you as well..

When you ask your husband about why the two of you have not been intimate what is his answer?

What does your husband say in response to your perception of his time spent on the computer?

I am going to be a little blunt with you on some of your thoughts/sentiments in your post and previous post...I realize that you are emotionally frazzled now...but I also hear some dramatics and pretty knee jerk responses from you that at best, a little extreme....

I am a huge huge proponent to looking inward and at oneself first for answers in fixing/changing things....

To me it is like you are running running running person to person....telling them...
meet my needs....fix this in me...be my savior in all that I find blah in my life...and when I realize that you are not the one with all the fix-it answers and I STILL don't feel better I will search for the next one....

There is nothing wrong with you...
you though, are searching everywhere outside of you...and the answers are not out there in OM #1,#2, #3,4,5,6,7,....they honestly are not.

You stop doing this by withdrawing all of your energy that you are spending on others...other man, husbands faults and bring that energy back to you EVEN though you don't like "you" that much right now...EVEN though looking inward is so painful for you right now that you seek out anyone else to focus on other than you....that my friend...is the EXACT key to stopping your behavior.

You have set up these relationships with so much conflict that you acknowledge but refuse to process on a deeper level...
the relationships you keep establishing are doomed to fail

You can not continue to live your life in such direct opposite belief/action systems and expect anything but confusion and pain to yourself.

You can not value marriage with your husband and still seek out others REGARDLESS of your husbands actions....

Even the pattern of seeking out OM is an act of disrepect that you create...YOU are not free to have an open honest relationship with these OM...(though you claim to value these things)...actually seeking these OM..really just takes the focus OFF of you....

And then there are your extreme knee jerk defense responses...

people tell you to stop contact with OM-2..and you respond with
I mean I can't just cut every single human being out of my life forever...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ..Good try..A for effort..but didn't see where anyone told you to cut every one out of your life...just the OM who is your self focus deflector of choice... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And in discussing extremes...in your first post on your link...OM#1...was the only person in the whole world to ever understand you...he was the best....
here is what you say about MM#1
OM is the only person in the world who truly understands me, who I can talk to without really having to explain myself, who can put things into words and express what I'm thinking and/or feeling even when *I* can't. I WANT THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP WITH MY H! H is constantly complaining that he doesn't understand me. But frankly, sometimes I don't understand MYSELF. Another reason OM is so appealing to talk to, because he understands me even when I don't.

But by this post...he is now...
Unlike OM #1, who was purely physical, and a jerk and all sorts of bad things, who I was able to cut off pretty quickly because quite frankly, I don't trust him..

And now we are on to number 2...who is magically again the best thing since sliced bread...
you say this about him...

But OM #2 is different.. he's caring, compassionate, and sweet.. he let me know how he felt about me, but he never pushed, never pushes anything.. kind of makes me feel worse in a way.. because it's not like he kissed me and I just kind of let it happen.. he put himself in a position where if anything is/was to happen that *I* would be the one to make a move, and he respects any and every boundary I set, and never seems to mind it..

Well that's not quite true is it....because human beings who truly CARE about us regardless of status (spouse/OM/relative) do not help someone out of a suicidal situation and then NOT take it to the next level of intervention REGARDLESS of the person begging them not to...regardless of the cost to friendship/lover relationship...people who truly value and care about us spill the beans to whoever they need to get us the help we need so that we never ever again feel so alone and bad about ourselves... because human life is more valuable than anything else...

And OM talked you in to vomiting not because he is a knight in shining armour...but more realistically because he is who you called...

You need to stop your actions by acknowledging that you are looking in the wrong places for your answers...
Remember that Dorothy went all over Oz searching for what was really inside of her all along...

ARK

Well, actually, here's how it went down..

In an effort to curb my own behavior, I came completely clean and decided to be honest with H about my present situation and how I came to be there.. and although lots of my friends said he'd probably shrug this off just like he did the first one, he didn't. He actually said that there's some things that HE has been doing wrong.. wow.. and that we BOTH need to change and work together to make this work.. and we've been like the closest we have been since before the actual wedding all day.. talking about important stuff, not so important stuff, random stuff that just seems to enter out minds.. tons of stuff.. and last night we even got together intimately.. and it just felt so natural, and normal.. and instead of staying up all night, he stayed in bed with me all night.. read a book at first cuz he wasn't as tired as i was, but he stayed right there.. by my side.. and the comfort of having him there with me was just so sweet.. i feel asleep almost instantly.. my only hope is that this expanded communication continues on and doesn't just last for a few days.. only time will tell, but i'm floating right now ...

as for OM #2 ... i called him immediately after "the talk" with H to tell him I couldn't hang out with him anymore.. and that I still value him as a person, and his friendship.. but that I don't trust myself with him right now.. and that I really need to distance myself from him as much as possible in order to keep my focus on myself, my husband, and my marriage.. he seemed hurt, but didn't react by like yelling or freaking out or anything, which i appeciate -- because I'm really horrible at verbalizing how I feel, I find it utterly amazing that I was able to verbalize the situation and tell him exactly where he stands in regards to me at this point.. and that is far, far away...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I mean I can't just cut every single human being out of my life forever...
..Good try..A for effort..but didn't see where anyone told you to cut every one out of your life...just the OM who is your self focus deflector of choice... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right, the problem there is, as long as I have this problem, I can NC OM2, but then if I have the same problem I'll keep tracking down others and that's how it would spiral into cutting off the world. I'm bisexual (and yes I know that's against my religion -- which is why I never act on it.. but the feelings are there regardles.. so if I finished up with all the guys.. I'd move on to the girls) .. so the problem there is that EVERY friendship of mine has the potential to be an EA.. I need to find and repair the issue within myself, isntead of just thinking that I can just cut people out of my life as if THEY are some sort of a toxic mold or bad influence on my life. Sure, OM #1 was a bad influence.. but in the end my actions are my own, and I have no one to blame but myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
And in discussing extremes...in your first post on your link...OM#1...was the only person in the whole world to ever understand you...he was the best....
here is what you say about MM#1

OM is the only person in the world who truly understands me, who I can talk to without really having to explain myself, who can put things into words and express what I'm thinking and/or feeling even when *I* can't. I WANT THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP WITH MY H! H is constantly complaining that he doesn't understand me. But frankly, sometimes I don't understand MYSELF. Another reason OM is so appealing to talk to, because he understands me even when I don't.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yeah, appealing to talk to, but not as a person, or even respect worthy..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
But by this post...he is now...
Unlike OM #1, who was purely physical, and a jerk and all sorts of bad things, who I was able to cut off pretty quickly because quite frankly, I don't trust him..

And now we are on to number 2...who is magically again the best thing since sliced bread...
you say this about him...

But OM #2 is different.. he's caring, compassionate, and sweet.. he let me know how he felt about me, but he never pushed, never pushes anything.. kind of makes me feel worse in a way.. because it's not like he kissed me and I just kind of let it happen.. he put himself in a position where if anything is/was to happen that *I* would be the one to make a move, and he respects any and every boundary I set, and never seems to mind it..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Allright, what you do not understand, however, is the full extent of the OM#1 relationship. In fact if I recall I even admitted in several posts on many different occasions just the type of person he was. He was only in it for the sex (which he never got), and he was like this crazy woman-addicted type who just like manipulates people and uses them to meet their own needs. And I *did* give him an NC without even thinking when I realized how detrimental it would be to me to stay talking to him, even trying to maintain a friends level.

I even spoke with several people on here (still seeking, and others.. on my previous handle on these boards) about how I couldn't even understand how I'd even ASSOCIATE with that type of person, even as I was doing it.

OM #2 is a completely different person, in that I actually value him as a person and would never throw around such derogatory type statements about him. Sure, I practically NC'd him too, but only as far as I felt was necessary to maintain the sanity of my marriage.. H said he didn't feel good about me hanging out with OM2 for a while, and even though it wasn't expressly forbidden.. I understand why that would be so ... while I trust OM2 more than just about anyone else in my life, I also admit that yes, I have problems I need to deal with before I can safely maintain a friendship and hold it at the levels it would need to remain.

<small>[ March 17, 2003, 08:11 AM: Message edited by: youngandlost ]</small>

Hi,
I Wondered what had happened to you and how you were doing.

I am sorry you felt so lost and that there was no hope. I am glad your H was willing to help, but I believe it will be a longer road that this.

Please don't give up on yourself, or on your H. There is always bad in life, but there can be much good even in the midst of the bad.

How are you doing now?

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still seeking:
<strong>
Please don't give up on yourself, or on your H. There is always bad in life, but there can be much good even in the midst of the bad.

How are you doing now?

SS</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, allright overall I suppose.. H and I are talking more.. things aren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I see a light that wasn't there before..