just bumping up

Hi Saddad! I keep up with your thread but don't often get a chance to reply. I didn't really have much to say on your latest events...it sounds like you're doing REALLY GOOD! I'm glad you're watching out for yourself and not letting her get away with her unreasonable expectations. It's possible it's at her lawyers bidding...but I have to wonder if she REALLY thinks she can get away with it??? I hope she'll be unpleasantly surprised. Just another solid dose of reality. Anyway, hang in there and keep doing things for yourself and your daughter. You're going to come out of this (reguardless of the outcome) with your head held high!

H4F,

Good to hear from you. I haven't seen you around here much, but I guess with your marriage back on track, your business and school, you must be swamped. Hope all is going well.

Yes, I am doing good. I love being back in my house. I've been working on it like crazy, updating things and giving it the "sad dad" touch. I will come out of this with my head held high and better off than most dads. I guess my perserverance and keeping a level head will pay off in the end, although the result isn't what I hoped for.

sad dad

Nothing to update. It's been over 6 weeks since I got my W's settlement proposal, but I'm still waiting for her to provide the financial documents my lawyer requested in January and again at the end of March. I don't know why she's not complying. I've got a call in to my lawyer to find out what we can do. I'm itching to respond to her proposal. I'll keep you all updated.

sad dad

SD - it can always be worse; my wife has been sitting on my settlement proposal since last summer, and has not supplied any required documentation either. In my state, there is usually a financial incentive for a dependent spouse to drag this out the full 2-year waiting period, and beyond where possible. Have you figured out exactly what she would get, strictly according to your state formulas? And is that more or less than what you pay voluntarily right now?

In my state, the wives with lower income are usually advised to drag it out no matter what.

Hi there!

Was wondering where your thread was. Anyway it sounds like things are dragging on slowly. Why your W is moving so slowly, who knows- fear of the finality of the D, reality setting in??? Humans tend to avoid unpleasant tasks and divorce is definitely unpleasant.

Also think of it from a behavior mod point of view? What does your W have to gain from delaying? What could she gain by expediting the divorce?

You also mention your W has been depressed, maybe in the past as well. Has depression affected her effiency?

tmnx,

One difference in our respective situations is this was HER proposal. Also, she is not financially dependent on me. Currently, we are splitting all the costs related to our daughter evenly. She has not asked for nor am I giving her anything additional regarding our daughter.

As far as her profit sharing and stock statements, this is info I could easily obtain by having the judge intervene and/or having them subpeonaed. I can think of no financial incentive for her not to comply.

espoir,

"What does your W have to gain from delaying?"

Nothing.

"What could she gain by expediting the divorce?"

Her freedom and independence.

It appears depression, if she is in fact depressed, has affected her efficiency. She could have had her lawyer request an interim amount of CS when we separated. She could have had all of her financials in order and in her lawyer's hands (like I did) in case they were needed. She could have served me with discovery for my financials, which she hasn't. She seems to be in no hurry to finalize the very thing she wanted all along.

I found out today my lawyer sent another letter to her's regarding the financials and requested they be provided in no less than 7 days. On the bottom of the letter is a sentence that makes reference to this being a "201(k) communication", which means regarding non-compliance. Hopefully that gets this moving along.

Thanks,
sad dad

saddad:

Haven't posted on your threads for a long time. Sorry to hear things are not working out with W. Has her EA (PA?) with OM at work ended? Just curious.

As you may recall, I am an attorney although I have never practiced in family law. Most of what you are relating sounds like the typical legal process. It has and will continue to drag on. I think the language you cited about reconciliation is typical legal language to support the allegation that the marriage is irreconcilable.

As for her financial settlment proposal, I expect this is what her attorney suggested. It's all negotiation and the theory is to start out asking for much more than you know you will receive, thereby leaving enough wiggle room to get the deal done. Standard practice in the legal industry, regardless of the legal issues.

RJB2,

Thanks for checking in. As best I can tell, her EA is over. I say that because if it weren't, I'd think she be rushing through the D process.
I'm surprised she isn't anyway since this is clearly what she wants.

I know that the wording in her settlement proposal was typical legalese and that her lawyer is asking for the moon knowing we'll meet somwhere in the middle.

What I don't understand is why they haven't responded to discovery. Why delay an already lengthly (18 months) process when they both know
if it comes down to it I can get the financial records? I could understand her dragging her feet if this isn't what she wants, but since she does it makes no sense. She's been doing this from the beginning. We agreed on custody almost a year ago, but it was 4 months later that MY lawyer drew up the formal agreement because she got tired of waiting for my W or her lawyer to take the initiative. My W told me she wanted to sell the house 7 months ago, but did nothing about it until I decided to buy her out last December.

I realize alot of divorces drag out because legal manuevering and such, but most of this past 18 months I've spent waiting for her to make a move, which she didn't. Now that she finally has, she's dragging it out again. Boggles the mind. I'm finally at the point that I want it over, not that I agree with it, but I've got to get on with my life.

sad dad

Sad Dad

Come here big guy.. Let me give ya a brotherly bear hug. I'm proud of you with a very heavy heart. Sorry things have turned out for you this way. =*(

I wish I could wave my SnapOn Torque wrench in the air and make things better for you and your daughter.

Keep your chin up.

H2Y,

Thanks. I will be fine. I'm more concerned about how all of this will affect my daughter down the road. I'm also concerned my W will realize getting what she wanted wasn't what she thought it would be. I think she's already realizing that, but has dug herself a hole she sees no way out of. That's a shame because it didn't have to be this way. Life goes on and so will I.

sad dad

I met with my laywer last Thursday to go over my W's settlement proposal. As she was reading it she began to smile, then laugh. She said she couldn't believe it was written by a professional. She said it was a ridiculous proposal and what they are asking for is more than they would get if my W had full custody. She said they failed to recognize or realize we have 50/50 shared custody which is the most important factor in all of this. My lawyer is going to completely rewrite the proposal from scratch and believes with shared custody, our respective incomes and the fact that we've shared all expenses related to our daughter equally the last 9 months since we've been separated, no CS is warranted. Neither of us is the custodial parent, our daughter lives with each of us half the time and we have set a precident that has worked out well for both of us financially and our daughter's needs are being met. If it aint broke, don't fix it.

I talked to another member on MB who has been through this and knows my situation well, and he put it very well. He said my W (and her lawyer) knows she's screwed, so they are asking for a mile, hoping to get a foot when they don't deserve an inch. In other words, ask for the moon hoping I'll get frustrated and give them more than they deserve. He also believes the reason they haven't provided my W's financials is because they know they have more to lose and are hoping I give in or give up, hence the reason they're dragging this out. I don't know if he's right, but it makes sense. His advice is to have my lawyer have an off the record discussion with my W's lawyer and lay it all on the line.

It's sad that it has to come to this, but I never wanted this. All I can do now is leave it up to my lawyer to protect my interests. My W will be pissed and I'll be the bad guy, but there's not much I can do about that. Seems the only way I could have avoided being the bad guy would have been to just cave in and give her everything she wanted from the beginning.

sad dad

<small>[ May 04, 2003, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sad dad:
<strong>.... His advice is to have my lawyer have an off the record discussion with my W's lawyer and lay it all on the line. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">saddad-

I'm not sure if it is legal manuevering or not. My lawyer has tried talking with my STBX's lawyer in the same manner and it hasn't made a difference. They have not responded to any of our requests in a timely manner and they have not submitted any ideas for the future as far as support and parenting plans. I don't know the logic in this but they see no point in wrapping things up.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My W will be pissed and I'll be the bad guy, but there's not much I can do about that. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are not the bad guy. You have been looking out for your D's best interest. Yes, you care about what your STBX thinks about you but in the end, what matters the most is your relationship with your daughter. These little games your W and her lawyer are playing won't affect that. I think eventually, your STBX's feelings about you will change. It just will take some more time.

Right now you are doing what you need to: looking out after your D. That is the best you can do. You can't be faulted for that. You are to be commended for how well you've kept it all together all of this time now. Take care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HoFS

HoFS,

It's strange how similar our respective situations are. Are we married to the same woman? Do they have the same lawyer?

I've tried to do the right thing all along. I stood by my W and my marriage when I had every reason not to. Now I'm just hoping to resolve this quickly with the best possible result for all of us. I'm not trying to screw my W over, she'll be getting what she deserves. I don't mean that in a spiteful way, I mean what she deserves based the facts of the situation and the way the legal system works. I think my W had some very misguided expectations of how things would turn out when she decided D was the only option she had. Mine were more realistic, but then again my thinking was never clouded.

I just hope somewhere down the line my W realizes I tried to do the right thing and that the situation she'll find herself in was of her own making and could have been avoided. At least then she'll have learned something from all of this and hopefully she won't make the same mistakes in her next relationship.

I hope both our situations are resolved soon.

sad dad

Sad dad I read somewhere that close to 70% of divorces are initiated by women. But strangely enough, with the exception of abuse or neglect from the H, a whopping 80% regret having had the divorce. If these numbers are accurate, it would show how much women have bought into the skewed idea that divorce is 'liberating' and that life is better being single. Many women (not all) don't take into account that, unlike divorced women from past generations (who had very few job options), very seldom does a woman come out of a divorce financially better. In fact, in a growing number of cases, many women have lost custody of their kids and have been ordered to pay child support (as in my case). But sadly, many women become painfully aware of this reality after their divorces are finalized. Your stbx is most probably in this group of women.

coffeeman,

Unfortunately, I think you will be right. When all is said and done, my W will have her D and be "liberated" but not much else. She's lost her daughter half the time. She's lost her big, beautiful house (I got it, she bought a TH 1/3rd the size ). She'll lose a portion of her profit sharing and stocks. She get little, if any CS. She lost her dog (don't laugh, he's family - I got him with the house). Last and probably least important to her, she's lost me. She'll also have to live with knowing it was her actions and decisions that lead this life. I hope it's worth it.

sad dad