Well it's been a few days and quite a few things have happened. So, here goes. Wife went into my vehicle and took the tapes out, she says their not mine, and I have no right to them. I asked if we could destroy them together, she says no.

Wife was wondering if OM had any right to know about the tapes, she was thinking about telling him. Opinions? This AM she said she wasn't going to tell him, but now there is a twist, more on that later.

Friday was my first day in a new section at work, and guess what. I am being trained up to work directly under OM. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand it's an unbelievable opportunity, and a position that I have been attempting to obtain for quite some time. On the other hand, I'm not sure what it would be like to see him every day and have to work around him. So, give me your opinions on this one too.

Friday night I saw OM. It was semi work related, I could have avoided it, but I chose not to. A friend (and co-worker) of mine went to his house. He greeted me just like nothing had ever happened, like I was walking through the door as I had a thousand times before. It was wierd, but not uncomfortable. I did not get the triggers that I was afraid of going in his house or seeing him, we were civil and sociable with each other, but he was obviously nervous and somewhat uncomfortable. That part made me feel kind of good in a twisted way, to see him uncomfortable in his own house made me feel better. And the fact that he greeted me so normally made it easier.

I'm confused on that last one. You see, I've been working VERY hard on letting go of the anger, hate and resentment that I have toward others. Friday night I just decided it was time to face up to it and see what happened. Part of me feels like this great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, as I no longer harbor the intense hate and rage I once had. The other part of me doesn't understand why I don't, and I wonder if I am in a "fog" of some sort. I silently wonder if I'm going through this to torture myself further. But, I don't feel tortured, I feel calm and peaceful.

I guess it's so confusing because I've never felt this way before, ever. So, I don't know if it's the AD's they have me on, the grace I've been praying for, or if I've just completely lost my mind.

Thanks guys.

<small>[ March 17, 2003, 02:50 PM: Message edited by: TM94 ]</small>

Oh, one more thing. My grandparents are coming for their annual visit on Friday, they still don't know. Should I tell them before they get here, when they're here, or wait until after they have gone home?

I'm afraid if I tell them before they will feel uncomfortable and maybe not come. Or if I tell them while they're here they will become uncomfortable. My wife doesn't want me to tell them while they are here, and she doesn't think they have enough time to process it before they get here. I'm afraid if I wait until after they leave it may hurt them because they weren't told sooner.

I think it will be obvious that something is up as we have always been extremely affectionate and now we aren't. We are still very civil to each other, and enjoy each others company very much, still sleep in the same bed, etc. Just more for your brains to chew on.

Hey working with the OM may be a blessing in disguise because your presence in his daily life, gives him one more reason to not see your WW again.

No you have not lost your mind, in fact, the AD's have probably kept you from losing it. Your changed behavior is probably what has caused your WW to seriously question leaving you (despite all the lip service she gives about leaving you). The only thing that anger, hate and resentment produce is to make a person repulsive to others.

As far as telling your grandaparents, ask yourself this, what useful purpose would it serve to tell your grandparents the truth? your relationship with them does not require the radical honesty that your marriage does. I'm not saying that you should lie to them, but if they ask about a noticeable change in your WW's behavior, consider telling your WW if she objects to you saying to them that she has been going thru some personal stress but it is nothing they should concern themselves with. This gives you an opportunity to practice the Policy Of Joint Agreement with her.

2MCM,
Thanks, it's good to hear from an impartial observer that I'm not going nuts!! As far as the grandparents go, the reason I'm questioning when to tell them is because my wife says she's leaving in 2 weeks. That means a week after they go home I'm going to have to tell them that she has left.

Originally I wasn't going to tell anyone (other than my parents and IL's) until she actually left, hoping that she never would. The whole timing thing is what has me thinking.

Also, on working with OM. When I first told my wife about the possibility she became very angry. Later she said because she thought she was some sort of "deal", her for a job. I'm not sure how to take her reaction, or her explanation. Maybe I'm just over analyzing again.

This morning she told me that she was enraged with me talking to him after D-Day because he stopped talking to her after that, and she blamed me. Now she's glad I have let go of the anger and I'm on speaking terms with him.

Ususally continued contact with OM by either party is not healthy.

I wonder what your W would say if you offered to move away with her and give up your job. It would show her where your true priorities are, that is if you really feel that way.

SS

SS,
I've offered many times to pick up and move wherever she wants. It has been her decision to stay here, not mine. In fact, one of the first things I asked her was to move, again giving her the choice. She says if she was trying to work it out then maybe, but she doesn't want it to work, and she likes it here, so what's the point.

Personally, I would pack up and move in a heartbeat. Just to get this whole thing behind us, but she won't.

Thanks

TM,
i haven't read your whole story but a couple of things jump out at me from the series of posts that i've read here.

at some point in time people have to find some level of an equitable an mutale understanding of the situation they find themselves in. finding that compromise is good but in your case two things jump out at me right away.

that your wife is angry at you in any way for coming to terms with her acts out side the bounds of your marriage sounds to me unfair and unjust. in fact it sounds like an issue that needs to be seriously addressed in some kind of couples therapy.

as for you having any kind of a work relationship with the OM all i can say is UGHHHH! controlling one's anger is a posative an important step in any adults pattern of growth but really...

look, working for a person implies that you need to seek ways to please that individulae and given his track record how can you even look at him never mind interact with him?

am i not understanding the dynamics of the situation or what's actually happening here? if not then i just can't see how having any contact with the OM is a healthy situation for you to be in.

coach

You probably said that before and I forgot.

Oh Well, that's probably why you have said that you don't know what else you can do.

I suppose now it's just wait and see what she does, and that always stinks.

You doing OK - or as well as can be under the circumstances?

SS

Coach,
I&#8217;m really not sure how to take my wife&#8217;s reactions. As far as couples therapy, or any type of counseling; she refuses. We saw a MC 2X and she called it quits with promises to continue IC. She saw an IC once, told me that IC said she didn&#8217;t need counseling because she was dealing with things on her own. Then, I got a letter from IC stating that she declined further counseling. I continue to see an IC to deal with some of my issues and try to get through this whole thing.

As far as OM goes I&#8217;ll give you a little background. OM was my best friend and family friend; I have spoken with him once since D-Day #2. Until a couple of days ago I was overcome with RAGE anytime I saw or thought of OM. I don&#8217;t know what happened but now I have this peace that I&#8217;ve never felt before. I no longer hate him. Don&#8217;t get me wrong, I don&#8217;t trust him, I don&#8217;t believe him, and he will never be allowed in my home or near my family ever again. I&#8217;m not sure that working with OM would be good, that&#8217;s why I&#8217;m asking for advise here. I&#8217;m questioning myself; what if I change a month or two down the road? What if this is just some &#8220;phase&#8221; of sorts? What happens when I have to look at him and hear his voice every day? These are all questions I have of myself. But, for now I can see him, speak with him, and carry on a civil, work related conversation without those feelings I&#8217;ve had before.

SS,
Yes, I&#8217;m doing well, thank you for asking. I really don&#8217;t understand how I can be so calm and &#8220;happy&#8221; right now, but I am. It&#8217;s like every day becomes easier and easier to deal with and accept. Maybe it&#8217;s the AD&#8217;s, maybe it&#8217;s her mood; I don&#8217;t know.

UPDATE:
Yesterday she called me and said she was going out with a friend for St. Patrick&#8217;s Day, asked if I could come home from school early and asked to borrow $10 for gas. I wasn&#8217;t happy, but didn&#8217;t express any objections or voice my opinion. Class ended up getting cancelled so I reluctantly went home so my wife could go out. When I got home she was still in her PJ&#8217;s, she was surprised I was home so early, and that I had $15 for her. To make a short story long she ended up staying home, was very cuddly and affectionate, even kissed me a couple of times. Then she dropped the bombshell&#8230;.. She asked if it would be ok if she postponed moving out for a couple of weeks because of my grandparents visit, and she didn&#8217;t want to tell the kids right after GPS left and have the move immediately. So, for whatever reason I&#8217;ve been granted an extra 2 weeks to make more of an impact&#8230; God is GOOD!!

TM-

Hugs. I have more to say but need to run. I'll catch up to you later.

I simply don't get her....

do you know if she has found a place yet?

Working with OM is a sticky one. I think it is good that you can keep an eye on him, but I'm worried about your mental well being. I think the feelings of rage are gone partly due to the meds. They have a way of lessening the extreme feelings a person has. I believe that off the meds. you would feel the rage again.

Please take care of your emotions and don't invest too much in this repreive. She is still running from those demons and your recoverty will not begin until she is ready to face her pain.

Hugs-

No, she hasn't found a place yet. She did a lot of calling around last week and everyone told her to wait until approx a week before she's ready to move in, unless she wants to start paying rent now.

I don't want to work with OM in order to keep an eye on him, but making him feel uncomfortable does make that other side of me smile. As I said before, I'm not sure about this "inner peace" thing, I've never felt this before, so I'm not sure what's real, what's because of the meds or what tricks my mind may be playing on me.

I'm not putting all of my eggs in her basket. I'm still pretty sure that she will leave. But, until then I will just enjoy her company in our "new relationship". We really do get along pretty well now, and that makes it very nice. My friends keep asking what's going on because we act so nice around each other and we get along so well. No, we don't hold hands and put our arms around each other like we used to, but they say we both appear so much happier now and get along so well.

Thanks

<small>[ March 18, 2003, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: TM94 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then she dropped the bombshell….. She asked if it would be ok if she postponed moving out for a couple of weeks because of my grandparents visit, and she didn’t want to tell the kids right after GPS left and have the move immediately. So, for whatever reason I’ve been granted an extra 2 weeks to make more of an impact… God is GOOD!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If she was hellbent on leaving you, she would have be gone already. Something tells me that after you grandparents leave, your W will have another 'reason' for extending her departure. Even though I would caution you about getting your hopes way up high, I would like to point out that if your W left, you would not be available to her for cuddling and kissing or other expressions of affection. The longer she is getting these things from you, the more she would miss them if she were to leave you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not putting all of my eggs in her basket. I'm still pretty sure that she will leave. But, until then I will just enjoy her company in our "new relationship". We really do get along pretty well now, and that makes it very nice. My friends keep asking what's going on because we act so nice around each other and we get along so well. No, we don't hold hands and put our arms around each other like we used to, but they say we both appear so much happier now and get along so well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a very mature way of looking at life also, because we never know when our last day on Earth will arrive. Everything is temporary, nothing, absolutely nothing is forever. Hopefully, with time, love and patience, your W will recover her faith in the M and will want to be your W once more. So in the meantime, do enjoy what you and she have, for it is something that a lot of couples, even in healthier marriage, would love to have.

<small>[ March 18, 2003, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: 2MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

TM-

One thing that just struck me. Your wife is going to get to see the person that you will become once all of this has settled and you are further along in your recovery. I think that this might actually confuse her and pique her curiousity because you are a "new" person to her. With you relaxed, and non-demanding, you can deal with her without the emotional reactions. She will definately find it hard to ignore.

In my therapy, I remember talking about the person that I was once I became in the meds. I was more relaxed. More accepting. Peaceful. It was really a false state of mind because it was drug induced. I remember being afraid that once I stopped meds. I would no longer be this way. I was terrified that the mood swings would resume and I would become the miserable b that I was prior to seeking help. During my spiritual "awakening" I found this inner peace without meds. It was fleeting, but through hard work, analyzing myself, questioning, and reasoning, I have reached a place where I am more and more at peace every day.

I'm sharing this with you because YOU are now on the path to this type of healing. Your wife needs to come to understand that this new you can be a permanent thing.

2MCM,
I know what your saying about her leaving, and making excuses to stay. Believe me, I hope this is true, but I can&#8217;t let myself get my hopes up. She has been acting differently lately; softer I guess you could say if that makes any sense. Well, except for right after she found out about the tapes and spyware.
I do treasure every day as if it were the last. I&#8217;m now trying to find the best in every situation, instead of always finding the worst. This whole nightmare has made me a better person, and I hope that in the end I will be posting on the &#8220;Recovery&#8221; board and helping others as you are me.
Kily,
I am definitely more relaxed and less demanding now. I know she is noticing some of it, and I think that she is seeing more than she will admit. Honestly, I am just living day to day and I deal with things as they come up instead of dwelling on what MIGHT happen.
I am also afraid that when I do come off the meds that I may return to the old me. But, I never realized that I could feel this way, so maybe I will be able to keep this new me and force the old one at bay forever. I do know of the spiritual peace you speak of. And, I hope that the Lord will grant me the peace and serenity that I pray for. I know it will not be easy, and He will not just hand it over, I will have to work for it. I think that my wife is having the same reservations I am now; we are both wondering if this is the new me, or just the temporary me. Only time will tell. Thank you again for sharing Kily.

Now I found you on one of your own posts TM94, I would like to ask you for some help in my thread, dazedblonde told me to try to ask you for your help as you have been through something similar;

My thread is called;
"The OW feels like my H is cheating on her!!! and he is.."

In the beginning of my thread i am doing a fantastic Plan A, but get into trouble by going to London and having a threesome with my H. Fulfilling a mutual fantasy.

I am very confused because my H now wants an open relationship and I do not know what I want. I have biased feelings. Some of them want the excitement and fulfillement of having two people to love and be loved by, but on the other hand have trouble finding out what is the reality of this.

My H said it is clear that this is what he wants and that he is ready to "jump out of the closet" and tell the world that this is how he wants to live. Taking care of and loving two women. Providing financial and emotional care for both of us and our children.

I think he has gone absolutely NUTS!!!!I mean we had amazing sex with this girl and all three of us enjoyed it with a sense of caring and respect. But to bring this amazingly fulfilled fantasy into out real life???

HELP!!!!!!!!

-queen-

TM94-

I don't know a whole lot about your story but if it were me, I'd definitely pass on working for the OM. When I found out about my XW's A, I quickly came to the conclusion that the A had alot more to do with she and I than this toothpick she hooked up with. With that said, if I ever ran into him at the Gym or out on the town, it might turn out bad for him. I just don't think you can change the fact that this guy took advantage of a Married women. I know the circumstances with regards to your open M were a bit unusual, but I still say he's vermin. Avoid the potential conflict IMO. Good luck...