What's in a name anyways?

What have I learned?

Patience? Hardly

How to live with the loneliness, hurt, pain, emptiness? Not yet

I just can't help myself, I needed to hear his voice, I called him.

I've been hoping that somehow the events of the past 2 weeks had ruined the A, but now I'm not so sure.

We talked, he's trying to hold back the anger he's feeling about the things "I've" done and said. He knows that I have reason to do the things I've done, but thinks I paint a bad provider picture of him to others!
See "S#@t has hit the fan! Thread.

He says that OW is still in the picture,(I asked).
He said that maybe things have gone too far for us. I said I didn't think that, I still felt we could work on our marriage.
Alot of other stuff was said too, calmly. He thinks we grew too far apart(obviously!!), while he was home and I worked 2nd shift(along time ago, and I never felt that!)Plus all this time that he's been away working. I told him that his kids just need him home, all the time, and that we could find a way to make it work.

Anyways, I ended the call with, just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you, maybe we can get together and talk sometime. He said yeah, maybe we can. He said right now, he's trying to keep his distance till his anger subsides, he's trying to keep it in check.

Of course, I know, I pushed too much for info, but I needed to let him know that I still feel that way, despite what's been said & done over the past 2 weeks.

I think I'm just fooling myself, I dont see how Recovery could ever be possible.


I'm not sure I can do this anymore. To think that he doesn't love me is just about killing me. And even though on a day to day basis I think I'm doing OK, I think I'm ready to let go of it all.

I want to hook up with OW's H. Maybe see what she's throwing away for my WH! He's got money, maybe I'll go for that this time instead of love, where did love get me?

That would really piss WH off, and then where would that get me?

I'm talking crazy right now, that's how I feel.
I'm at work, feel like I need to leave, right now, the walls are closing in, I can't keep it together........

What do I do now.......? Falling apart...

Plan A is all about me, being strong, showing a good front, taking best care of home & kids, right?

WEll that's what I've been doing for years now, while he has been away and we've apparantly been growing apart.
Being strong, everyone would always say to me, "I don't know how you do it all on your own, 4 kids, the house, huge yard, garden" I made it all look too easy!!

Why can't I show him that I can't do it anymore by myself!!
Why do I have to do the house, the kids, the frustration!!
He said, not to plan on leaving the house, said it would be more traumatic on kids, than him leaving the M!!! He'll do his best to keep us in the house financially.
What's that all about?
The kids would rather have the house than an intact family?
Just because they are used to his being away(if they really are used to it?) he thinks ending the M would be the easy part for them??

I really just want to be emotional, fall apart, do something crazy!! Show my anger, disappointment, resentment...

Why am I feeling this way...
Day to day it's so different, emotionally.
Today is extreme....

I keep adding on here,
I feel like driving down to his apt.(2.5hr drive) tonight and just showing up on his door step.

Looking for confrontation?
Needing to be hurt over & over?
Needing to push the issue?
Looking up OW or OW's H?

I just feel the need to do SOMETHING!!

Whatever the end result may be, F@#k it!!!