Hello All. I have a question for all of you. WW is basically mean all of the time, then REALLY SWEET when she gets money from me.

Right now the only attraction I have to her is physical. Its almost like she repulses me emotionally even to the point of fear. I know that doesn't exactly sound "manly" but its honest to God how I feel.

She basically told me that I am the only one in this relationship that needs to change. Huh excuse me? I have been in "Plan A" for two years before I even know what plan A was.

She still absolutely refuses to say anything about how her A rocked our marriage to its core. Its all about me.

Am I being cold or is it normal for me to feel completely repulsed emotionally by her and have just physical attraction as the last thread of anything what so ever.

Any comments on my post would be aprreciated.

Has anyone male or female been thru these exact emotions?

Justr wondering

You sound like you are going through the same emotions my H is going through. He has said that he is still very much attrated to me physically, but after how much I've hurt him, he just doesn't think he can ever forgive me.

So you're not alone, although I'm not money hungry and I don't think I quite repulse my H to the point of fear. I think he may actually feel somewhat sorry for me and my stupidity that allowed me to do something so hurtful to us and to our marriage.

Jen

Hi rh,

Sounds as if she's still in denial. Acknowledging your pain and the damage the A has done to your M would only point to her as the responsible party (as every WS is), and she wants to justify herself. There are many people on these boards who have come back in similar circumstances, or worse. Prayers for hope courage and guidance go out for you.

I know of many men in the same boat as you, as far as the fear factor goes. It's not unmanly to feel that way. If she doesn't want to work things out or even admit there's a problem on her end you cannot force the issue. She is the only one who can change herself, and she has to need that change more than anything else for it to be permanent. I would stop giving her money and make her responsible for her actions. Look at Plan B, maybe it's something to consider.

As far as your physical relationship, I think you still do feel something for your W, otherwise it wouldn't pique your conscience at all. I think with all that's happening to you, you're just numb. You still want to connect with her on some level, so the physical aspect of your M continues.
It may be all she'll give you now, so you take what you can get.

I want to encourage you to keep posting, if only for moral support for yourself. You're not alone.
Best wishes.

Blessings!

Jen/Ej-

Thanks for your comments.

Jen unlike your husband I am able and will forgive but her behavior doesn't lend itself to give any sort of opportunity to do so. The only thing her behavior does it make it seem like I am 110% to blame. I actually think her crappy behavior since D-Day 1 year ago and her unwillingness to take any responsibility for her own actions, her dishonesty, her flaky "I love you" "I love you not" actions and indifference is harder to forgive than the affair itself.

Ej, we have not had a sexual relationship in 7 months we are legally seperated, which also means I can't stop giving her money.

Any and all opionions are appreceiated more than you know.

Thanks

Rly

Why not go Plan B? Or Plan D? Or a tough love approach? Sure you're legally required to support her financially, but that doesn't mean you have to be around to have her LB you.

Plan A isn't forever.

Est-

Thanks.

What is Plan D or can you give me the cliff notes of tough love?

I always understood plan D to be divorce...tough love is basically saying you don't like life with me...there is the door. It is an I love you but I am not going to help you destroy me or you...so good luck and goodbye...

at least that is my interpretation

ayslyne

Even though her A may be over, why not take advantage of plan B's no contact rule? You are after all legally separated, who says you have to have contact with her? The more you listen to her bitterness, the more your love for her will die until there is no point in even trying to save the marriage. And since I take it that the reason you are still here, is to avoid that situation and make every effort possible to save your M, then you may want to think about the wisdom of going totally dark and not contacting her.

Too Much Coffee-

I am trying to plan B. It is so hard with three kids. I am adamant about knowing whats going on with them when they are not with me. I am certainly not pursueing but I do want to know whats going on with the kids. She also will call out of the blue and "chit chat"--I am happy for about 2 minutes to engage her in that but then I simply say, "Well I gotta go."

This morning when I dropped the children off at her house (she doesn't work) she was giving me those "puppy dog eyes" and I hate that. Its like she is trying to get me to be loving. Why be loving when she doesn't appreciate me be loving?

I can't beleive how manipulative she is and I can't beleive how I seem to fall for it. Albeit I haven't for a long time.

I guess I simply made a bad executive "people decision" in choosing a wife. I guess its true love is blind. However I am trying to put on my glasses

Any comments would be appreciated

rlyhurtin,

I get mixed messages from what you say. On the one hand, it sounds like you want to plan A; on the other hand, it sounds like you want to plan B. I say that because you two apparently have ongoing discussions about your relationship, which suggests plan A would be appropriate. But you also say that you are trying to plan B. The first thing you need to do is make up your mind about that.

If you want to plan A:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She basically told me that I am the only one in this relationship that needs to change. Huh excuse me? I have been in "Plan A" for two years before I even know what plan A was.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, if you were doing a plan A for two years and she thinks you are the one who needs to change, then you were putting your efforts in the wrong direction. I'd suggest getting her to fill out an EN questionnaire and ask her to let you know, in very clear terms, when you successfully do something that meets one of her ENs. In that way you can adjust your behavior and accomplish a more successful plan A.

If you want to plan B:

You don't say how old your kids are, but if there are three, then perhaps the oldest one or two are old enough to talk on the phone? Let's face it, you're not building your relationship with your kids by talking with her. Your children will appreciate speaking directly to YOU and they don't know or care whether you spoke to her.

When she calls to chit-chat, why do you even listen?

I'd suggest you sit down and decide what contact you will allow yourself to have with her (discussions ONLY about when to pick up or drop off the children, about their health, etc.). You should also decide what conditions, if any, would cause you to agree to more contact: if she wants to work on the M, if she will see a counselor, etc. Then you should get with her and POJA about that as much as you two are able to.