This will be a long one.

I have been a regular on this site and others for 10 months now. I do have to say MB is a good place to not feel alone, but overall has been kind of downer for me. Seldom is the mood positive.

Unfortunately most of us are here because of the disaster of our personal lives and most intimate relationships. Obviously a tough thing to be cheerful about.

I've come a long way and changed a lot in the last 10 months. I began my changes while still married back in October 2001, but it was already too late. My XW's A began well before that. I'm not one to settle or expect anything less than the best from those I'm closest too. I accept mistakes, but most people don't understand the difference. I'm a hard man to live with.

I've felt a lot of anger and pain over ther years mixed in with incredible joy and hope. There is nothing I wanted more than my marriage or the woman that was the love of my life. I'm one of the lucky few who got betrayed by a friend, a wife and got a divorce all in a few months. My world was completely wiped out. My friends are amazed at how well I have taken it and how I have not killed the OM. I know that won't do any good. They don't understand how I can still love my XW and want to see her do well, although without the OM. When love is real it does not go away. Not ever.

Much of what we see on MB is the bad side of our WS's. We don't talk much about the good. We all married these people because we were in-love and wanted to spend the rest of our lives with them. Many of us turned to our spouses for answers to our own unhappiness and many of our spouses did the same.

From where I sit what was done to me was cold, calculating and the worst experience of my life. I've had a life with a lot of hardship's and losses and I have perservered. My XW would probably say she was hurting and turned to a friend who would listen to her and acknowledge her feelings without judging. There are a million explanations for all of this, but in the end we failed each other and mostly ourselves.

Sometimes I am very bitter and even may want revenge, but more than anything I have no desire to be the instrument of my XW's misery. I really would like to see her do well on her own. As for the OM. If he has a heart I believe one day he will realize the extent of his betrayal and feel the remorse he deserves.

I have no time to harbor anger and resentment. The marriage I wanted so badly failed regardless of the circumstances. I've had to move on as best I can. My life and experiences are a part of me that I can not escape. Anyone who is with me will have to accept my past and my feelings. My XW will always be with me. There is nothing I can do about it. I may hide the feelings, but I will not suppress them. They are so much a part of who I am. The last 7 years almost every experience in my life has involved my XW and/or the OM. I will not erase those years from my memory. I'm not willing to give up on such a large part of my life. They are every where I go and everywhere I look.

Sometimes when posting on here I have presented a false facade of strength. I have shared some of my XW's worst actions, but seldom the good. The problem is the bad seems to be consistent and the good you just don't trust. When they stay with the OM you see some of the good and it just seems like manipulations. You just don't know. It seems when the WS's do good it hurts even more. Sometimes it is easier just to get the bad from them. It is hard to believe the love you and care when they hurt you so bad. Just like them we get caught up in our own pain.

I guess the best thing I can say about my XW is that if I could go back and save our marriage I would.

We can't go back so that is that.

As for a new R. I feel both happy and sad for those people who get involved with us walking wounded. Those of us that are here still believe in love and marriage. I have been honest with my GF about my feelings and we talk often about it. I respect her too much to hide something so important from her. She has been wonderful, unfortunately she wonders if she'll ever have my heart as my XW did. It sometimes hurts her to talk about it, but she wouldn't have it any other way. As I get stronger I go deeper into my soul and explore feelings, emotions and parts of myself I had hidden for years. She wants to be the one I share myself with.

I don't hide my feelings or hurt anymore. The hardest part is building confidence. Confidence to know you can handle the hurt again. Confidence to know you'll get through this. Some times I wonder if my wounds are too great.

I grew an awful lot with my XW and learned a lot of things the hardway. As the saying goes you don't realize what you've got until you've lost it.

If two people do love each I do think that is enought IF they can be honest with THEMSELVES first.

To my XW I say this: You will always be a part of me. You've shown me how strong love can be, how bad it can hurt, the joys of parenting, the cost of selfishness, the rewards of true love. In the end the greatest gift you have given to me is to show me how deeply and purely I can love. Through my love for you I have really found myself and god. I wish we could have done it an easier way.

To the OM (former friend): You have cost me my innocence. You have also taught me to trust my gut. Early on my gut told me not to trust you, but I looked to the good and let my fears go. I once believed in you more than I believed in my wife and for that I think I have paid the price. Maybe your love for her has changed you. I hope so for my XW's sake. From you I have learned about false friendship and that most people in the world do not have the same values as I. Because of you I work to support my friends R's and think I have helped to save two marriages now. I have had 2 wives come to me looking for a shoulder. Easy pickings for an affair. I sent them back to their husbands and got them to say them what they wanted to say to me. Something my friend should have done when my wife turned to him.

To the step kids: Wow. I'm so sorry I was not a better parent to you. I tried my best, but I was flying blind. I look forward to a family of my own and I know I will be a very good father. I know that because of my experience with the step kids and my love for them. In a way I feel guilty because another child will get the benefits from what I've learned instead of the children who showed me so much. Only recently have I let myself acknowledge how much the kids meant to me from the start. I can remember like it was yesterday, taking them to the park and watching them run and play. They were so young then and I already loved them so much.

To my GF: You've been through so much with me already. You've seen me at my worst, but you still haven't seen me at my best. I know either of us can walk away from this relationship at anytime, but that we are together because we want to be. I'm sorry for everything I have put you through and for having to deal my feelings for my XW and her living across the street. I'm sorry for at times holding actions of my X against you. It is so hard to think and react differently. I would not be with you if I did not love and respect you and look towards a future with you. Nothing is a given and it may not work out, but I will not betray you or anyone else I love. I will only stay with you because I want to.

To my real friends: I have been so shocked by your support for me. So many of you were their for me. In hindsight I trusted the wrong people. These friends would have help us save our marriage.

To my family: We may be a bit screwed up, but we alwasy there for each other. I love all you.

I think I could have been the one to have the affair if I would have let myself. I never would have thought of how much an A would hurt. I know I will never have an A. I could not live with myself if I put someone else through what I have been.

I look forward to the future and hope I don't screw it up. It is hard adjusting myself to a new life. A life I never thought of or even wanted. It is the life I have now and I do want to make the most of it. Ironically I am less afraid of fatherhood for the first time than of marriage. I know I have a lot to offer a child and I know I will be a good father. I don't know what kind of husband I will make, but I know I will take the plunge again. Through all of this I believe more than ever in love and marriage.

To all MB'ers: If you love each other, don't give up.