My story is long but I'll keep it short. Married 61/2 years, two children 5@3. Three years ago a had a PA, my wife found out and it ended. At the time I couldn't explain why. I love my wife and family. our marriage resumed but we never dealt with the problem. 18 months ago my wife told me she wanted me to leave, said she wasn't in love with me anymore. I discovered she was having an affair. It ended after I confronted the male. My wife didn't want to go to counselling so I started going alone. I learned alot about myself and made alot of genuine changes in my life. Eventually my wife joined me in counselling and also went alone. She said she didn't know how to forgive me. My wife was on an anti-deppresant and with the help of our counsellor decided to get off of them slowly, we agreed we would wait to work on our marriage until she was of the medication. Our marriage was stronger in many ways and our family life was great, we talked more and spent quality time together. Last summer she said her feelings were back and she was thankful I didn't leave. Our marriage was better then ever before and I thought we were going to make it. Her feelings left again and returned briefly in January. Five nights ago she said she just can't forgive me and wants to separate. She said she loves me and trusts me and our life is everything she wants but she can't forgive and the stress is making her sick. She isn't off the medication yet and i said i thought we were going to work on the marriage together once her meds were done. She said she doesn't want to wait anymore. Went to counselling yesterday and said the same thing, then she cried all the way home. Told me last night she is going to move out alone for a month or so to see if she can understand her feelings. I'm in alot of pain right now but I'm staying strong for the kids. My wife cries when we talk about her leaving (so do I), I'm confused but I think her leaving for a while might be best, I would love her to stay and try and work on forgivness together but she doesn't want that right now....any suggestions? comments? anything??

Are you absolutly CERTAIN that the A ended? It almost sounds like she's back with OM (or another OM). Any other suspicious behavior? E-mail? Voice Messages? Done any snooping?

I would look around and see if there's any chance she may be having another A. The sudden change would seem to point to it.

I don't believe leaving is a good idea. Unless you are in an abusive situation. I almost left that that would of certainly sealed the fate of the marriage. Im happy I didn't leave. I was the FWS. My h is the BS.

Zoey

Brad,

It does sound like your W has had a sudden change in behaviour. What do you think has prompted this?

I agree that you should find out if NC has been observed.

I can imagine how hard it is for you to deal with your W when she is still haveing so much trouble getting over your A. My H finds that very difficult too.

The fact that you are holding it all together for yuor family and kids speaks volumes about you. These are tough times for you.

I agree that having a short break from eachother might be good, but make sure it's not bcs she is having an A.

Brad, it will much harder to repair the damage if you are seperated. You need to be together to fix it. However, you can't stop her. Can you send her to us and can you start counseling with the Harleys? Most people I know who have counseled with them say its well worth the money.

We could help her on this forum. Can you send her to us?

This may not be the case......BUT......a red flag is going up saying that her contact with this OM never ended in my mind.

First of all.....she can't forgive you and can't forget that YOU had an A? What about the fact that she also had an A? This is what makes me think that she's just using your A as an excuse.

From this post ( this is the only one of your I've read).......I see her focusing on what YOU did wrong.....nothing about what SHE did wrong.

That is a classic thing for the WS to do when still involved with the OP......concentrate on all of the BS's faults in order to justify what they are doing.

Seems strange to me also that your counselor would suggest to WAIT to work on the marriage until AFTER your wife was off of anti-depressents. What exactly was the reason for that?

IMHO......working on the marriage shouldn't be put off for anything. The longer you wait....the harder it would be.

Does leaving help? Sometimes.

I don't think that the 2 of you can actually work on your marriage if you are apart. It's a 24/7 job.

I now for a fact....that had my H and I not seperated (not my choice) that we wouldn't have been able to save our marriage.....but that is MY situation.

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 08:23 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

Thanks for the replies. I agree it sounds like she has having an A, I guess I don't want to believe it. I don't feel like snooping again, I did that last time and I didn't like how I felt doing it. As far as her coming to this sight I tried 18 months ago and had one phone session, she didn't want to have a second so that was it. It seems like blaming me eases her guilt. She now says she is not leaving but still doesn't want to work on forgiveness. It is very hard for me to understand. I know how hard it was to forgive her but I have, I wish she would do the same....Thanks again for the replies