My story is long, but the basic gist of it is that after H's second affair (D-day a few months ago), he has decided to make another go of our marriage.

This "decision" of his is a bit half-hearted, in the sense that he does not feel "in love" with me, doubts his ability to stay faithfull, and feels very overwhelmed by our busy family life.

Unlike the period after the first affair, he is not wooing me, not chasing me, not doing ANYTHING to make me feel secure or loved. He hopes it will just "come"...but I am starting to lose it.

I have been in Plan A for months, but I just feel like I cannot stay there. It's like I never had the total meltdown after the discovery of A#2, because I went right into crisis mode. At that time, he was seriously thinking of leaving.

SO, not that we are not in crisis mode, it's way blah. I am exhausted and getting angry. When will it be my turn?

I know I have to hang in there, and wait for the fog to lift...but how? I am loosing it! What if it doesn't? My emotions over his last A are killing me, and H cannot handle to hear/deal with that raw pain.

I feel so alone and desperate.

Please encourage me to hang in there. Maybe this is a phase. Last time, after A#1, he was immediately sorry and wanted to be with me...but not now. Maybe this situation is more typical.

But the fact that he's home should make me happy...right???? Why am I not happy????? Why do I want to throw him out when he wants to try???

Every day I have to stop myself from screaming: get out! at him. Is this normal?

I have been through so much, and the toll this is taking on me is over the top.

Please help me to NOT throw him out, love-bust, and cry every day.

Thanks

I know its hard, I'm tired myself but I look at my kids and think I can try a little longer. I had a PA 3 years ago. So i know i'm the cause of everything since, i went to counselling alone and discovered alot about myself, made alot of changes and for a while had inner peace. My never forgave me and had an A 18 onths ago. It was a struggle but I forgave her and continued counselling. She now said she needs to leave because she can't forgive me. I'm trying to stay strong for myself and the kids 3@5. at times want her to go but i can't imagine me and the kids without her. stay strong maybe see if your H would see someone to help him find out what he wants out of life. Once i did my commitment grew 10 fold, unfortunaltely it maybe too late, i pray not
Stay Strong

Eleanor,

The already tough decision you have to make got tougher when you realized H doesn't feel the same about you anymore. He has gotten to go off and have his fun while you are bearing the pain of it all. I know your anguish right now. I am in similar situation. My FWW hasn't been in love with me in several years and still is faking it when she says I love you. It is so hard to know for sure if they mean it when our S says they want the marriage to work out but has broken that promise before. You have three good reason's in your sons to try to make it work. I have two of my own. I just have to wake up every morning with the attitude that she will eventually realize she needs to do her part to repair our relationship. If I wake up to my self pitty then I have to change it before the day gets going. I recently saw a movie where a H continued to mess up his family's life so the W threw him out. When he had to say goodby to his S for good, the little boy was completely crushed. He was devestated(sp?). So I try to picture that little boy when I get the feelings of giving up in my mind.

bradnessa and jetes,

Thanks for the replies.

I am hanging in for my beautiful boys and for me. I love the H, and am sometimes still hopefull that we can have a good life together.

H will not get help. That's non-negotiable.

I don't understand what I did wrong. How his love just left. If I cannot figure that out, how do I get it back?

I really do not wallow much in self-pity. It's mostly anger that gets me crazy. I think this A just really knocked what little was left of me in terms of self-confidence and optimism.

I just have to get better at controlling my feelings of rage and sadness, bcs I feel like I will sabotage the baby steps we may take together.

thanks

Eleanor

If your H won't get help, could you print some pages off from this site and perhaps leave them lying around for him to see? There is some very useful info here which relates to MB principles.

I honestly think recovery will be much more painful and longer for you both if your H will not seek either IC or MC with you. Are you going to MC? Perhaps you should make the appointments, say it is for you and you would like him to help you by coming with you.

There is a thread on GQII about Lotsva success story. Read it, and you will see that you are not alone, and yes, people really do get there in the end.

Take care, keep thinking about things you can do for yourself and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Lisa,

H will not read anything about MB or anything else that is even remotely touchy-feely. He's Australian...does that explain it for you???? (from Queensland...the sticks! on top of it!)

MC is out...we did that before, and he is done with that. IC for him: no way. IC for me: I did it for 2 years, and now I want to spend that $$ on massages and lunches with my girlfriends. (they add alot of value to my life)

See why I feel like I have very little to cling to in terms of solutions?

Thanks for the support.

Hey Eleanor

Queensland sticks says it absolutely all!!!!

I too understand about your need to spend Eleanor time and money on making you feel better. As a compromise, why don't you have 1 session with Steve H? Although I never did myself, I know people who have felt they have gained tremendous support and clarity even from one session. Do you think that could be an option?

I think that you have to decide how much time you are prepared to put into this without some sort of return enthusiasm and committment. It could well be that your H is still in withdrawal (how many months is it?), and something inside just needs to snap to turn him around. But if his current view is that he may still go and have another A - well frankly I think this is hugely disrespectful and he deserves a big kick somewhere painful!!!!

Perhaps you could work out what would be the absolute minimum you need from him right now and tell him. You know, something along the lines of, "I know this is difficult for you, but hey it is for me too. I want this to work out, but I really need some commitment from you, like XXXXX" Whatever that is, dinner once a week, he does something around the house whatever, something that would be a positive action that would help you to feel more secure.

Listen, I'm probably talking waffle, because what do I know, but thinking of you and wishing you well anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lisa

I remember all the times my H and I had "false recovery".....meaning he said he wanted to come home but continued to see the OW.

He would "woo" me then.....for a while....and then everything just seemed to disappear.

I thought that was the case also in the beginning of our "REAL RECOVERY". I got "wooed" for a while and then it disappeared again. He would "woo" me for a week and then go months before he would show anything again.

I learned later that during the "honeymoon stage" everything was hunky dory and then BAM he had to deal with everything once it all settled down.

The "wooing" stopped completely......I felt completely ignored.....he would actually go out to the garage to avoid me. ---> 5 months into "Real Recovery"

I swore to everyone that I thought that he was still seeing the OW.....no proof....just had the way he was acting to go on. Swore that he only wanted to be with me because of our daughters.....package deal...they go where I go.

Even up until November of last year I could have sworn that he was still in contact with the OW and didn't want to be here.

I'm not sure what happened......but in the beginning of December my H completely changed.........14 months into "real recovery".

He now "woos" me every chance he gets...and it's constant....no gaps on no affection for months like before....can't keep his hands off of me......lots of attention. He accounts for his time.....and offers time sheets from work if I have any questions. Tells me to call people he's been with if I feel the need....which I don't because he rarely ever goes anywhere without me.

He's completley different now.

It took us 14 months to get there.

I had to hang in there and give my H time to work out things HE needed to work out.....tough at times I came really close to leaving myself because of it.

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 08:40 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

Lisa:
Thanks for the encouragement. I am REALLY tempted to do an hour consultation with Harley. I am just so afraid of telling my story and having someone say: boy you really might want to consider dumping the guy...(it's my deepest fear)

On the other hand, maybe it would be good.

Miss Priss:

Thanks ALOT for your story.

It has made a big impression on me. It's like H has been having the longest MLC in the world. Not sure what he wants, unsure how to fix it, not sure he wants to fix it. My gut tells me: this guy WILL come around! We have SO MUCH together: family, children, life. It's unthinkable to end it! We have such a great life SO much of the Time!

I have to be patient and remember that this did not occur overnight, right?

H is not in as bad shape as your H was in your description. There is NC with OW, H is able to show kindness at times, does sometimes seem to enjoy my company, plans for the future...stuff like that. But it's so FRAGILE! He can suffer a setback so easily when he feels overwhelmed, and then I can see in his eyes that he's wishing he was gone. ooooo that scares me. That's when I want to LB like crazy because I am so frustrated and scared.

This is why I wonder what's wrong with me: things are not so bad really, but I often feel like I am cracking up.

Thanks SO MUCH for your replies.