After 24 years of marriage, my husband has been having an emotional affair with a much younger women who has been wishy-washy herself for the last 10 months about what she wants with my husband. 2 weeks ago she finally decided to break all contact, but agreed to let him keep emailing her. I went to see her to try to convince her that's still giving him hope (perhaps a bad idea going to see her??) and agreed - she changed her email address and told him about it. Since then he asked if I went to see her and I said I did, but now there's a more definite wedge between us. He still doesn't want to give up hope on her and even went to see her again. She still says no way. I read "Surviving an Affair" yesterday and it gave me tremendous hope, so bought a copy for my husband and asked him to read it. As of yesterday he's staying in a hotel at night and coming home during the day when I'm at work. Am I being too wimpy or is this ok since "she" ended it?

She wanted to end contact........but still allowed him to email her? Sounds like she really wasn't ready to give him up completely to me.....until you paid her a visit.

On one hand...paying her a visit turned out good....she changed her email addy. On the other hand.....it made a bigger wedge between your H and yourself. Doing things like visiting the OW tends to backfire in ways like that.

Things like this have to end ON THEIR OWN.......no involvement from you or anyone else. Otherwise.....there is always going to be unresolved things between them.....which leaves the door open for future contact.

In some cases where the BS takes action into their own hands and the A ends because of something they did or said........which usually makes the OP end the A.........the BS wonders months later if the reason the WS is back is because of what they did.....or because they really want to be there. That's why it has to die a natural death with no involement from you.

The OW needs to let your H know that she wants nothing to do with him in any way shape for form. It may take a while to sink in.....but hopefully soon he will get the point.

You on the other hand need to know exactly what you want....and exactly what you are willing to put up with and go through to save your marriage.

One thing though.....at least you were completely honest with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I realize now going to see the OW was a big mistake. I had actually decided early on that was the wrong thing to do, but in my own fog and as a result from pressures from my support group, I changed my mind. I did let my H know that I realize it was a mistake. I have made other mistakes thru this ordeal that my support group says was justified. Like monitoring his email and looking at his computer files for all the love poems he's written her. The hurt I've felt throughout has been so unbearable at times, but I guess everyone here can relate to that. But I have decided I can forget the past and move on if he can give up on her. She's been telling him all along she didn't feel the same about him and that it would have to end, but she did enjoy his friendship. When he last went to see her, she re-iterated it was best never to have contact again and for him to give up. What's the best thing for me to do now. Just wait for him to let me know if/when he's ready to come back home full-time? Should I encourage him to come home and go ahead to try to work things out with me? Should I disallow his coming home during the day while I'm at work?
Thanks so much for any help.

My advice to you is this......and granted...I'm not an expert so take from it what you will.

Your decisions should be based on what YOU want. And you have to stick to them. If not....then most likely you'll end up right back where you are now.

Let him know that you still want to be with him, and that you want to save the marriage.
At the same time you need to let him know that there are certain things you WON'T put up with....contact with the OW being one of them. Unless of course you ARE willing to put up with that......but then you just become a doormat.

He either needs to be IN the house or OUT of the house completely. Especially if there are children involved.

Don't let ANYONE pressure you to do something that you DON'T feel right about. Your gut feeling is what you should go on.....it's almost always right.

You don't need someone else to tell you that what you did was right or wrong........you go with what YOU feel is right or wrong for YOUR situation......everyones is different.

Let your H know that you are willing to wait for him to decide what he wants......and for him to work through his feelings. He's probably pretty confused right now. For your protection though.....I would put a time limit on it.....say 3 months.....and then go to Plan B.

You're right, I'm not willing to put up with contact with OW. At one time I allowed it, but now I know that was yet another of my many mistakes. I will set a time limit, too. Do I tell him about that?
Thanks Miss Priss !!

Telling your H about the time limit is up to you.

If you do tell him.....then he know's what he has coming.....but you have to make sure that you follow through.

Not following through on your decisions is what usually allows the WS to keep going back and forth......for as long as you let them.

You can NOT tell him and just see how it goes from there......but still follow through when the time comes.

It doesn't have to end in divorce when the time is up though......Plan B would be best.....that is protection for YOU.