I need help.

I've been married 10 years, my wife has had two affairs during that time. One PA and one EA both with 'friends'. After her second A I had one of my own. Right now, I'm as frustrated as hell and have no where to let of steam. I can't even talk to a guy friend of mine about this. I've been at MB before but under a different name and now I need a different kind of help. Here's my situation...

My W just turned 40. She's spending tons of money on clothes and making herself look good. And she does. She looks fantastic. However, I don't like her. I don't like what she's become and I'm not in love with her.

She's a mean, selfish b****h, who's driving us into massive debt. She spends loads of time with her girlfriends - like a real old washerwoman - and doesn't have a problem flirting with other men. At her B'day party, it was this last weekend, I was there but felt like it would have worked without me. Basically, as long as I keep paying the bills, her life would go on.

In addition, my needs are like most men's but sex for her is like ok, you do the work, I'll lay back and enjoy. In the 14 years we've been together, she's started the process maybe a dozen times. Oral sex, never. In fact, often she'll not even take hold of me but just says 'get inside now' when she's ready for the big O.

I almost hate the cow. What the hell am I going to do?

Help !!!!!



What the hell am I going to do?

Do you kids?

Sorry, having a bad day forgot a word..DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Midlife crisis?

Sounds like you know the drill. Are you STILL involved with OW?

If you don't LOVE her anymore and are this angry...why not end it? OR are you just angry, still comitted and just reacting to a situation?

If you're posting here, it seems to me that you might still want to save it. Do you?

Personally, You both are self destructing and I think that the only way to save it is to STOP self destructing. Look at where you are at. Decide what you want. Post here and we will offer our best to you...

Yep, we have two kids - which is one of the reasons I stayed after the first A to try and work it out.

I'm not involved with the OW and haven't had any contact with her for nearly 2 years. My W broke off contact with both her OM. I'm not sure if she's not involved with somebody else - it seemed like it but I've snooped and there's no evidence, so I've ruled that out for the mo.

I have no idea what I'm doing. It could be I'm reacting to a situation, yes. Are we self destructing? I'm Aries, she's Pisces, her ascendent is Leo, which probably says it all.

I'm being verbally abusive but can't stop. I'm so damned angry at her. Last October, we were overdrawn at the bank, so they pulled the plug. I couldn't get anything out of the ATM. Then she goes shopping and puts $300 of clothes on her credit card. Same is happening now. She wants me to extend a credit line so she can take a vacation with her sister. I said 'you can bend me over and .......'. Sorry, this woman is driving me mad.

That's what we are here for....

Have you sought counseling with her?

You need to protect yourself. Say no. It may be an LB, but if you are sincerely protecting yourself from abuse, which this is, then it's justified.

How did you both recover from the A's?

Here's a suggestion. Think about having a open and honest talk about how you're feeling while concentrating on two things: not escalating and getting her point of view. Perhaps starting with a the "massive debt". I'm curious where you are in terms of communicating with your W. Other than the verbally abusive part.

Basically what I'm thinking is that one possible strat in all this is to: see where the two of you are; see where the two of you want to be; come up with a plan and be willing to work on it even if it is hard. The plan should have a rough idea of your boundaries and include various outcomes. I suspect this is going to come down to a "I want our marriage, but not like this" discussion.

In the meantime, perhaps you could talk about your experience with MB principles in the past (since you were here before)? Did MB stuff help with recovery and now things regressed?

I don't know where you're at now. Don't know if you're just looking for an excuse to D or whatever, but I'd like to think that you think that a recovered marriage is desireable and that you are willing to go through some hard times if you need to. If you "can't" stop being verbally abusive, then how much justification do you have to demand that she stop spending money. She's got anger, too. I'm not saying she's right (in fact, she does seem really blatantly selfish)- just that your anger doesn't excuse you from speaking calmly.

How did you both recover from the A's?

She doesn't know about mine - wasn't interested - I'm having problems dealing with trusr issues. Today, I still don't know the truth, she never told me or wanted to.

Don't know if you're just looking for an excuse to D or whatever, but I'd like to think that you think that a recovered marriage is desireable and that you are willing to go through some hard times if you need to

I was never interested in the big D, and I've been through some dark, dark times to make this work. But, I can't do this forever. I'm only human after all.

just that your anger doesn't excuse you from speaking calmly.

you're right - but it's real tough....

Thanks, I need to sleep some and then work on this. Don't know where I'm going right now.....

BA-

We've made small progress today.

We've established the following:

1. You don't want a divorce. You DO love your W.
2. You need to decide if you are ready to divulge the info of your A.
3. You need to hear the "truth" from her of her A's if she is ready to divulge to you.

Are you ready for RADICAL honesty?
Are you ready to work on this M?
It can be saved, but there is work that has to be done. Are you ready to STOP and face your pain? If so, then the first step is to make an appointment with your W and tell her the truth. It will have a profound effect on the both of you....

I'll look for your response in the morning...

Although your problems are much more important than $$, I would cancel your joint credit cards ASAP. If you are in trouble with the bank and she is out there charging clothes, you are going to get into even more trouble. You are married and you will be responsible for these debts.

Did you ever read any of Hurrian Hooser's threads last year? He had many of the same issues that you are dealing with. I know he lurks here, maybe we can smoke him out.

So sorry for your situation, my prayers to you, Ladysing

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't want a divorce. You DO love your W.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't love her - but the big D is the easy way out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to decide if you are ready to divulge the info of your A. AND You need to hear the "truth" from her of her A's if she is ready to divulge to you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She'll never tell me the truth and doesn't want to know anout my A. Bin there dun that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you ready for RADICAL honesty?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Always. But it isn't a one way street. The other person has to be ready to listen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you ready to work on this M? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right now - NO...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did you ever read any of Hurrian Hooser's threads last year?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I remember HH - but our WW's are different.

thanks so much, I'm gonna put my head on a pillow and sleep a while. I've done a bottle of wine on my own - which isn't good but it helps, a little anyways.

You people are good people...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You people are good people... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are too. Just don't lose sight of that.

I agree. Cancel the accounts. If you close them, she can just re-open them without your consent. Talk with the credit card people and find out what you can do....

I'M SORRY I ASSUMED THINGS. I also admire that you don't want to give up. That takes real courage and committment....

Blown Away-

Are things okay?

Hey Blown Away. Your story is very similar to mine in a LOT of ways. Since I believe in saving marriages if it's at all possible that's how I approach things. I certainly understand your anger. You have obviously been having troubles for a long time like I was. And waited too long to try and fix them to the point that you don't know if you want to or not. I'm sure your wife is at the same point. If you decide you want to try and fix things you will have to accept that you will be alone in this for a long time and it will take a lot of pride swallowing. If you want it bad enough you may be able to turn it around, but your right that it will take your wife wanting it at some point to or it won't work. Keep us updated and hang in there.

Kily,

Thanks for your concern - I really, really appreciate it. Things here are great. We've been in recovery for the last twelve months and making some excellent progress. Now and then some triggers flare the situation but we keep ourselves pretty much under control and I think we've been happy with each other.

Basically, couple of events all came together within the space of a week and I was fuming (as you could tell) and felt deeply insecure again. I never knew the full truth about her A - we never practiced radical honesty because my W never wanted to. Then a friend visited us and started telling me about discussions she'd had with my W during her A and some of the details. Things like, how much she'd hated me, and how good the OM was to her. That hurt. Then the bank issue happened and it went from there to worse.

After you guys slapped me - which I needed - I managed to tell her what I was feeling and why and we talked it through. I think we're both aware that we have to work at protecting the relationship and sometimes we slip.

Thanks again,