Kily and Luki asked me to repost this, so I did. Even the title is Kily's. It comes from an awesome thread that Luki started
I'm at that point.
Hope this helps. It definitely comes from my experience.
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Luki & Kily,
As someone that was in Luki's shoes just over two months ago, and is now in reconciliation...let me let both of you in on a secret. I felt the same way Luki does. EXACTLY the same. I still have my moments of wondering if it is better to walk, if I can truly get over the pain.
When I decided in December to move on, I meant it. There has been no sleepless nights, no crying, etc since then. It was truly a time of peace. And, as you can feel from what I am saying...there is a "but" (there is always a but).
BUT...I never knew how I would feel when confronted with my true wife, a remorseful one ready to enter back into this marriage. I thought I could never take her back...never give her a fair shake. I even started talking to someone new, and was even close to starting in on my own EA, as I moved forward with the divorce, etc. As happy as I was getting, after a year of living under siege...I just could not imagine the circumstances that would stop me from moving forward and going back into that pain.
JustLearning told me one time "Well, don't go back into the pain." I have remembered those words as I go through this. Now, one way of doing that is to close the door on my wife. To stay in my newfound peace, and move on with life. No one would fault me, including God. (Again the "but.") But, what would that accomplish? If my wife truly was repentant and sorrowful and ready for a REAL recovery and a great marriage, how could I walk away, not knowing what that entailed? Someone above mentioned finding out about missing out on the best. How true. While Luki states we would know that our spouses and us became better people, we also have to remember that God intended us to be together for life. Our marriages were not some horrible mistake. We just screwed them up. So, if God intended us to be together, then it goes to prove that the BEST for our lives is our spouses.
Now, we are talking potential here. If we don't do as we are supposed to in the marriage, we can screw it up...yet again. You can have the best and still screw it up. But that still doesn't mean that that person wasn't the best for us...we just messed up the best thing in our lives.
This is why the Harleys talk about marriages coming through this kind of mess stronger than ever. How can that be? It is because it is the best. But confronted with possible destruction, both spouses came out of it with a better understanding of what marriage is about, and what each other need. Once you reach that point, since that person is the best that God can offer you, it just naturally follows that the relationship would be stronger and both parties tend to make the statements like "I cant believe I almost lost you."
Now, while I am stating all of this, I am still not fully there. I have a dinner with my wife tonight alone. Supposedly, the NC thing happened this past week, and tonight, she wants to sit down and map out her move home and how we move forward. It is her plan, and I am interested in seeing how she wants this played out. But, am I ready to just accept it and move forward? No. I still have my doubts. Someone once said on here that it takes twice as long as the affair to get past it and so, since it was 20 months long, I guess we have close to 4 years of making up to do before things will be fully behind us.
The point to my rambling here is this. Once the BS finally gets a wall up to protect themselves, they begin to settle down. As Kily stated above, it is at this point that the WS settles down, and doesn't feel pressured or threatened. But, the longer the BS stays in this state, the more secure he/she feels. They begin to feel power, where they were out of control before. They begin to have hope, where they had none before. They begin to see a life that they WANT to live, where a life without their spouse seemed pointless. The longer they stay in this position, the more walls that go up. The ironic thing is, at the same time, due to the BS backing off...the WSs walls are coming down! Thus, they start asking weird questions at midnight like "What are you doing?" or "What's up?"
But, the BS continues moving away as long as the WS has not made the move back. The BS continues to get strengthened, rebuilding their egos, their lives. The WS begins to see this, and now...almost assumes the role of the BS. They now become panicked. Not only do they have the guilt of screwing up the relationship, but now...they realize what fools they were for ever wanting to be without their spouse. Next thing you know...it is the FWS that is pursuing the BS.
If done early enough, then it is at this point that reconciliation can happen. But I want to get to this in a minute. First, let me say that I believe Plan B is all about this. I read here that most marriages here are not saved in Plan A. Plan A just makes it possible. It is Plan B...when the roles begin to be reversed, when the WS truly faces the consequences of their actions, while at the same time, the BS no longer is this needy, blithering idiot...it is at this point that most of these come to their salvation.
I want you to consider another circumstance in this. Not only is the BS stronger. Not only is WS forced to live FULLY in the life they created with OP. Not only does the WS begin to feel the loss of the BS. But, thanks to all of this...the BS is now on equal footing with the WS. What do I mean by this? Look, the WS was ready to end the relationship, right? They have proven to themselves and their spouse that they are capable of walking away. But the BS, for the most part, has remained in the marriage. Neither the WS nor the BS have faith in the BS being able to get their act together and put together a new life, and improved life. When it begins to happen, it surprises the WS. It makes them mad. But it also surprises the BS.
At first, the BS feels guilty. They feel like they shouldn't feel this way…that they are being like the WS. But after awhile, they begin to feel good about it…empowered. This is when they head to Plan B. They finally see some light at the end of the tunnel for the first time…and they RUN for the light!
All of this leads to the equal footing I talked about above. You see, when the affair was going on, and the BS was spinning out of control, both the BS and the WS saw the BS as having no say in this. The WS says, "divorce me…stay…I don't care." The BS says "I can't divorce her…I love her…besides, it will never be the same without her." So, we take a position of inferiority in the affair, while the WS and OP assume a superior position. How many of you BSs had people sort of patting you on the head, saying "Poor Mortarman…I feel so sorry for you. Blah, blah, blah?" You were someone with no power…someone to be pitied.
But, when you reach the point that Luki has, and I did two months ago…all this changes. Now, the WS has to face the fact that you are equal in this. That you also have the ability to walk. Before, if they had come back while you were out of control, the BS would have accepted ANY conditions. But now, there has to be negotiation. And the WS now knows that they cannot demand anymore. That the BS would walk.
I don't know how many times over the last two months that my wife made demands of me, wanted things that I just could not accept, and then I stood up to it. Before, I would have accepted them…just to have her back. Now, I say "No." And you know what? It is her coming back a day later asking if we can compromise. What a switch!!!
In summary, I believe Luki is at the point that he needs to be for reconciliation. Luki, I believe that once confronted with a truly repentant wife, you WILL know what to do. But Kily, as in your case, this will all depend on how long it takes Luki's WW to come out of the fog and see this. The longer he is in this new stage, the more love he loses for her. Until eventually, there will be nothing she can do.
I believe this is all some sick dance. And it is all about timing.
In His arms. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
