Hey Guys

Sorry I havent been on for awhile I lost my internet in my room (long story)

I have some good news. Yesterday morning I got a call at six in the morning. It was my son thinking me for the movies I sent him. We talked for a few minutes and than the W got on the phone. Well she first tells me that she is worried about me and the war and was wondering if I was going. I told her not any time soon and the likely hood was very small. Well than we just start chit chating. We talked for two hours. We talked about everything, even our past R. I didnt bring it up she did. We talked about alot of our mistakes and how we both have been working on ourselfs. We also talked how we have been missing each other and we need to still be friends.

I also know that she has been thinking about me. She let it slip out that she had been reading some of my letters that I wrote her while I was in basic training.

So all in all I think it was a start. A baby step twords something wondereful. I dont have my hopes up but it did pick my spirits up. I could tell that she may be leaning twords us. I sounded happy and even streched the truth a bit. Also I ended the call so it made it sound like I was moving on.

I also had some other very good news. I may be home in about a month. I havent told anyone yet so I dont get there hopes up or make the W nervous.

So I hope that you are all doing well, and I wont be able to come on as much becasue I have to do it from work.

What all do you think, could this be a good start

Talk soon,
HnG

Hi Hng,

Good to hear from you. You are right about those baby steps and though I can see you are being cautious (which is wise), you also very much want to be happy. I would also.

Guard your heart and let her come to you. Keep up the good work. Be safe and hope you can come home soon.

take care,
L.

I wouldnt say my hopes are up but I can feel that we are on our way. I think she is thinking the same way. She has a new girl friend from work that who is married with a young child and had been spending alot of time with. I think that maybe she is missing her family and it opened her eyes a bit. she also told me that I will met her new friend and that I will like her and her husband. So maybe she is thinking when we are back together but who knows.

She did say " I havent writen us off yet, who knows we could be back together in ten years or so" That hurt me a bit but I think she is just leting me know that she is still there and is thinking about me.

I guess I could be over thinking all this and my plan is to take it slow and continue what I have been.

I really feel it in my heart that she still loves me. She just needs to find it in her self and not be affraid to open up to us. Maybe she is coming out of the fog a bit.

Do you think I should tell her that I may be home in a month. I want to but yet I dont want to scare her off. Maybe she needs thid space right now. I also dont want to get the kids hopes up. What do you think.

Thank you for remebering me and thanks for worrying.

HnG

HnG,
I thought that you might have gotten a free ticket to the beach. Good to hear that you are o.k. Like orchid said, let her come to you. With my wife I did back flips everytime she smiled at me. Pissed her off sometimes.

I got way to excited when there was anything positive. It is hard not to because you go without for so long. Stay patient.

in His grip....

doug

well I guess I am the fool of the month

I talked to the W this morning and she sounded like the W that doesnt want me again. She started talking about going back to school which is great but I could tell there was more. Well she is thinking about moving a couple of hours away to go to this one school. Than it comes out that this is where her new internet fling is. SO than I get up set and start asking questions about the last talk. Than she starts in on me saying that it was nothing just trying to be friends and I understood that but what I got out of it was there was a little more and I guess I got my hopes up. Stupid me. SO now I am back where I started form and hurting again. As much as I loved our talk last week I wish she would have never called becasue I am crushed again.

So what do I do know. I guess I really have nothing to do.

Thanks for the replys Orchid and Doug. No Im not going to the sand box I should be home this time next month.

So I had a major backslide and my heart is once again breaking. I sure do hate roller costers now.

Talk soon, HnG

Hng,

Remember if you don't like the ride, don't buy the ticket and if someone gives you a ticket, give it back. In other words, you control where you sit on that ride. The rollercoaster will keep running for a while. You though have control over what you allow to touch your life. Granted some of it pours on our laps and it is hard to not get our hopes up sometimes. But a few more times of that stuff and you will be able to put your emotional foot down.

take care and have a safe trip back home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Hi Danny,
I have been out of town for a few days. Just came by to see how you are doing.

I want to say again, don't take what your wife says at face value. Many, many times they change their mind for months. Measure your happiness by how well you do your plan, by how well you meet her needs. You don't have to plead and beg her to come home, just be nice. You know, courteous, kind, helpful, thoughtful both to her and to the children.

If she gets angry, act like you are above fighting about whatever it is. Like you don't need to do that any more. Like you have learned how to do better, like you are better.

I think you have gotten some very good advice. I encourage you to continue to improve you so that when she sees you she will be interrested.

You don't seem so afraid this time, I hope it is for real, that you are doing better.

I often wish we could do something (for each other) about the pain we often feel. I know it hurts when you think about not being able to make it work. I still think meeting as many of her needs as you can ( while not being obvious about it) is your best chance.

I've been praying for you, still am.

SS

SS hey how have you been

Yes you are right I am better off than where I was before.

When she does start up a fight I dont take the bait I am done fighting and begging. The only thing I asked was she even thinking about a us. Because what I was feeling was that she was thinking that there could be a us in the future. I will write more soon I have to get some thoughts together and will post later.

Talk soon, Danny

OK Im back

Yes I am doing better. It just seems that I was letting go a bit and she sucked me back in with that call.

I think she is very confused. One minute she is very unhappy and the than we talked about he new OM and than she was majically happy.

So I am going to detach (sp) and not take anymore tickets for that damn rollercoster she keeps putting me on.

I also think I am having a harder time with all of this because I am over here. So I am going to get home (hopefully in less than a month) and start all over and rebuild a great life for me and my boys. Wife is only invited if she can show some love and affection for me and the two most important things in this world.

So Im sure I will come on here many times to just vent and I thank all of you for letting me do that.

I have not given up, just taking a very big step back and thinking about my babies.

Talk soon,
HnG

HnG,

Just got around to reading your post. Sounds like my wife last fall. Up and down. She is definitely on the rollercoaster. As was stated above by Orchid...dont ride it with her. When you have a good day with her, just count on her doing the opposite soon after. it is a protective thing. dont bring up "well, you said yesterday..." It'll never work. They will just change around what they said, or what they meant. The little peeks out of the fog will be followed by full blown psychobabble.

But, I see in your posts the brginning of the end. Just hang in there. she is starting to wake up. Hopefully, you being sent back to CONUS will help, right when she will need you there.

No expectations!! Let her drive. But all in all...I think she is coming around. But remember, the war aint over yet. Dont let down your guard. Stay on point, dont LB.

In His arms.

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Danny,

Glad you are feeling better. Focus on what you can and discard the junk. You and your babies are important. She will be also when she comes back to reality. Until then dealing with her will be frustrating and useless.

Keep working on yourself and when you come back, she may not be able to take her eyes off of U!!!

L.

Thanks Guys

I am feeling much better and when I do start to think about her I think of a stop sign and that has seem to be working.

I sent her some new sheets last week and she just got them. She wrote me thanking me and than told me that she turned off her long distance and will only be using her cell phone. So I guess She wont be calling me anytime soon. But I could buy her some long didtance minutes online for her. Do you think I should?

Well if anything else happens I will keep you posted. Until than I will be here to vent and check on how some of my new friends are doing.

Thanks,
HnG

Hey All

Today really sucks. Nothing bad happening just low PMA. I am missing my family so much right now and want to call the wife to just talk. But Im not going to because in the end I will more than likely be the one that is hurting. Sometimes I just wish I could go inside her head and see what she is thinking. I just dont understand how she can forget our history together so easily.

I emaild her back yesterday. I wrote " happy you like the sheets, give love to our boys" That was all I wrote. I wasnt expecting a reply form her or anything. I guess I just want her to see that I no longer am going to let her hurt me.

I dont know......I wont give up but yet sometimes it just feels so hopeless.

I hope you are all doing better today than I am and hope you have a nice evening later.

Talk soon, Danny

Today really sucks. Nothing bad happening just low PMA.

That doesn't change - ever. There are always bad days. HOWEVER, there are always good days too. It's just hard to think of them from the middle of the bad.

I am missing my family so much right now and want to call the wife to just talk. But Im not going to because in the end I will more than likely be the one that is hurting.
If you can talk about neutral stuff, and hang up it may do you both good. Just stay away from
1. what she is doing
2. relationship stuff.
3. your feelings.

Just talk about kids, war, her health, or other stuff that is safe. You can still get in your little digs at her - like " It was great to hear the sound of your voice but I have to go now."

I emaild her back yesterday. I wrote " happy you like the sheets, give love to our boys" That was all I wrote. I wasnt expecting a reply form her or anything. I guess I just want her to see that I no longer am going to let her hurt me.
This is positive and along the right lines. Supportive, but not to lovey dovey or clingy.

I dont know......I wont give up but yet sometimes it just feels so hopeless.

This is why I recomment you write a plan of things you are going to do, and spend time think of how to do it. For instance you could have agoal to meet 5 of her most important needs every week. Put up a chart, look at it daily and figure out how you can best meet them. After you do whatever it is, check it off. It really does help to feel like there is progress. Modify it as you see which things she responds best to.
Stay away from perfume and stuff like that, sheets was very useful and thoughtful. A few extra dollars in an envelolpe wouldn't hurt. A card that said "missing you," but not every week.

I can see that you are smart enough ( the sheets show that) to do it pretty good. Keep working on it.

I hope you are all doing better today than I am and hope you have a nice evening later.

I hope you are having a nice evening, and I hope tomorrow is better.

Did you ever send that reply letter to her friend? If so, what happened with it?

Danny, we never know. Don't give up yet.

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 02:34 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hey SS

Thanks for the pick me up. NO I never sent that email to the W friend. I figured that I diserved it and would be the adult and let it go.

I havent spoken to her or emailed. Do you think I should call her or write her. I think I can stay clear of the R talk, it will be tuff but I can do it. Or should I wait and see if she will write me. But I can guess that I will be waiting awhile.

I want to call her mom and talk to her aswell and let her know what is going on with me. You know the whole coming home stuff. When I told the W about it I dont think she took me serious or dosnt want to belive me because if I do come home it may be the end to her fun or the start of a whole bunch of other problems like D and CS stuff.

I have been thinking about this alot. When I go home I will have my boys half the time and will not pay child support. How should I bring this up to my W with out it being a major LB. I know its going to piss her off because it will mean that she will have to work full times rather than the 20 hours a week she is working now. Should I talk to her about it now or wait until I get home?

Today started off crappy but once I saw my counseler I started to fell much better. I guess its becasue she says that I am not wrong for wanting to work out our marriage and that I have a good head on my shoulders. (sometimes I wonder about that) But what worries me is that she thinks the W may never change and has alot of issues that she seems not to be able to work out. You know what. I really trust this lady because today she had me take a little test and it nailed it towards the type of person I am and the reason I have been so down. SO I feel that she really knows what shes talking about.

So take care I will be able to check up but wont be able to post (damn work computers). So have a great weekend and see ya next week.

Dan

Hi Danny,

NO I never sent that email to the W friend. I figured that I deserved it and would be the adult and let it go.
It's always your call, we just try to help, but you have to live with it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I haven't spoken to her or emailed. Do you think I should call her or write her.
Yes I do, Plan A is all about making yourself look really good to her for a while so that when OM's faults begin to show ( remember that early on it is a fantasy world) you look good in comparison. If you don't do a good plan A, she won't have that good comparison. So, you are trying to be Mr Perfect for a few months and meet all her needs that you can. I know you are worried about doing it long distance, and I know you can't meet all her needs, but you can show what you will be like after you come home by what you do right now. You may actually get her to look foreword to your return.

Or should I wait and see if she will write me. But I can guess that I will be waiting awhile.
No, I would think of a neutral reason to call, for reasons listed above.

I want to call her mom and talk to her as well and let her know what is going on with me. You know the whole coming home stuff. When I told the W about it I don't think she took me serious or doesn't want to believe me because if I do come home it may be the end to her fun or the start of a whole bunch of other problems like D and CS stuff.
I don't think it would be good to involve her mother unless she( mom) knows everything and has been helping you figure out ways to make things work. Unless mom already knows it would be an LB to talk about the coming home stuff with mom before doing it with W.

I have been thinking about this a lot. When I go home I will have my boys half the time and will not pay child support. How should I bring this up to my W with out it being a major LB. I know its going to piss her off because it will mean that she will have to work full times rather than the 20 hours a week she is working now. Should I talk to her about it now or wait until I get home?
Leave all this stuff for later. You are acting like it's over and it may not be over. You better read MM's thread again. He thought it was over too, didn't he? Well, didn't he?

Sure, I admit you need to prepare your mind for the worst, but hope for, and act like the best will happen.

I am glad your counselor is helping, sounds like you got a pretty good one. Please read this info on plans A, and B to give a little more help with the concepts.
NSR's links to info about plan A and B

So take care I will be able to check up but wont be able to post (damn work computers). So have a great weekend and see ya next week.
I don't post much on evenings or weekends, I have 8 kids and they keep me busy - LOL.
Remember what I said about survival, most are not beaten by the elements, they give up to soon. DON'T YOU GIVE UP YET, IT'S NOT TIME YET.
I admit, I am half teasing you, but darn it, you can do better.

I am leaving early today to take some Scouts on a trip. So, yes, see you next week.

SS

Hey SS
Sorry I havent been on here not much going on. Well I got a email form my W today and would like your input on what to do. Last week she told me about not having long distance anylonger and now she is telling me again. Also she pulled some money off my account and I realy dont mind. So here is the email that she wrote:

Just a note to let u know a couple of things. I needed to borrow ur check card at the olive garden a couple of days ago. I got paid, and deposited my
check. Sandy and i decided to splurge and take all the kids to OG. The one hundred dollar bill came and my card was declined. I didnt know what to do, so i borrowed ur card. (i found it a few weeks ago). I really apologize,
and thank you. it wont happen again. When the first rolls around, i will only take 400 dollars. I can get rid of the card if you want, but last month ur child support was late. i didnt get it until the 7th. that wont work for me. (rent is due on the 5th)
ALso, i turned off my long distance on my land line phone. I was tired of the local toll calls. Its silly when i have the cell phone now. The cell is free minutes no matter where i call. (to a point, 600 i think, but i
will never use that many) Anyway, to save money, i wont have a international plan anymore. I will get a phone card for emergencies, or i suppose we can go to ur moms. Other than that...call us. Talk to you soon.
Email me with any questions,
W

I am happy that she wrote me and this is a change because up until a week ago all her emails have been one line and this one is the second one that I have recived over the standard. Not sure what kind of message if any that she is trying to send. I dont want to come running when she snaps her fingers but yet I want to her to know that I still care. So what are some sugestions with this.

Thanks and I hope you are all having a nice sunday.
Dan

Hi Dan,

Sorry I haven't been on here not much going on.
It's your thread, we're just here to offer support if and when we can. I won' t worry about it if you don't.

.......... she pulled some money off my account and I really don't mind.

If you don't mind, then be supportive of her.

Write her back and tell her you are glad she could get out with the kids because you know she is under a lot of stress with you not around to help. Thank her for telling you what she did so you could keep track of the money. If you can help with the timing of the other money so she gets it on time, or let her take it from the account if that is easier then do it. You may want to get another account and move some money to it and leave enough here for her to use in emergencies if you thought things would never work - that to protect yourself. But don't tell her any thing about it. Your call.

Yes, I recommend you use any communication from her to make love bank deposits. Always.

You could even call her and say this stuff over the phone, but be careful that you don't slip off into Love Buster land if you do. Always thank her for communicating with you, it will make it easier for her to do it in the future. And DON"T ask her to talk about what is happening, who ( if at all) she is seeing or stuff like that. Don't ask if you still have a chance. Right now it's kind of like when you walk into a store, the clerk says " can I help you" and you say " no thanks, I'm just looking." If you ask her now, she will say no - a conditioned response.

I can't see any other message here except she is sorry about something she thinks you may be angry about. Would it be normal for you to ream her out for something like this in the past? Or is she just nice about letting you know what is going on?

Use every chance you get.

SS

yes that is what I did. I wrote her back telling her that I had no problem helping her out. Also you are right normally this would have made me mad so it is a 180 for me. Here the email that she resonded. I really need some help figuring out what it means and what and how to reply to it. Im really starting to feel like it may really be over. She has been lieing to everyone and has no problem doing it. I just know one of these days she is going to hit rock bottom. She even says in this email that she heard a rumor that i may be coming home. I told her last week that I was ans she even told my mom that I told her. Is this some major fog or what. Well her is the Email:

Dan,

Thank you for being so understanding. I wont use you financially again, I promise. But yes, we had a great time. We let the kids get anything they wanted and they all got ice cream sundaes for dessert! They were also totally well behaved angels, even though we had quite the brood of children with us! If I promise to never use your ATM card again, so long as we are still legally married and I still have access to your account, I would like to continue to hold it for support payment reasons. If at any point you feel it is not working out, feel free to take it away from me. (I WONT abuse it, and NEVER WILL...that is a promise)

Yes Travis and Tyler sound like they had a great time at chuck e cheeses. Considering what happened the last time we were there, I am glad he finally got to have a GOOD exp with that place. Rumor has it (from ur mom) that u may be home in 3 to 4 weeks. I will not tell the kids until you are in the airplane, but I am very pleased to hear that. The kids will be thrilled, and I think its about time that you got on with and started your new life here at home. I think it will help you get closure on our relationship.

Have a good day...
W

So here I am just about lost all hope, not sure what to do not even sure if there is anything to do.

Thank you for helping me straigten out my life.

Dan

Dan,

Good to hear from you and glad to know you are getting stronger. It sure is hard isn't it?

As for her 'forgetfulness'? Well I think it is easy for the BS to be critical of everything the WS says and does. After all, we have been kept in the dark for soooo long any piece of knowledge is scrutinized.

'get closure in our relationship'? This statement is one of concern but given the fact she may still be in the fog, expect it to be that way even when you return.

So what to do in the meantime? Work on improving yourself. Seems like the same line over and over but like being true to a good diet or workout, the results will show when it needs to.

take care,
L.