Thanks Mortarman for your post yesterday. It helped me to understand the importance of being positive. My WH and I are recently separated although yesterday he asked if I wanted to join him for dinner. Of course I said I'd love to. Instead of crying, pushing him to tell me where he stands, I did my very best to be cheerful and not say anything negative & no angry outbursts. It was very pleasant. We did run out of things to talk about which caused some ackward silences, but I left feeling much better about myself. I didn't feel so inferior and I got none of those cold stares/angry looks/avoiding eyecontact from him. And I found out he is reading "Surviving..." that I left for him 2 days ago. I once again have hope -- just hope it's not false hope.

On a different note...my support group has been telling me all along -- don't blame yourself, you did nothing wrong. Well I did do something very wrong -- I didn't meet my H's needs. I kinda thought this all along and have been trying to tell H that he likes being with OW because she tells him what he wants to hear. Somewhere in the middle of the last 10 months I've been trying very hard to show H admiration and respect, but it's like he doesn't hear it from me. That's when I I've crumbled and made more mistakes like begging him not to leave me. At least now I know how to behave myself. It's just so hard to be strong sometimes. I just wish I'd learned about the book and this MB sooner.
Thanks everyone for your contributions.

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 07:57 AM: Message edited by: I miss H ]</small>

I need some feedback, please.
The OW called it quits, but H still hasn't given up. Is the separation still necessary if he's wanting to come back? I don't know if this is true, but just in case ???
Thanks.

Hi,

You did a good job. Realize that meeting one's needs does not mean going overboard. Tell someone what they WANT to hear is not meeting a need. In some cases, it is plain ol lying. So when a WS goes out to a stranger to get a false sense of hearing what they want vs what is true, it is a need but a false one. Think about it, if that happened in other aspects of our lives, of what benefit is it to be led on in our jobs, purchases, friends, relatives, workmates, etc.? If we had to hear we were doing good while obviously failing, what good would that do?

So pray for a calm heart and a clear mind. If the OW called it quits, he may not be ready to come back because he still wants his 'ears tickled' and may (don't want to scare you), he may try to replace her with another who will continue the lie. This could cause you more pain. Until he realizes that it is wrong, he will not see the need to work on his M.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks JMHO,
He called a little while ago to get the phone # for his counselor from business card on his dresser; so I wonder if he is going to cancel his appointment today. He has told me before the counselor expressed concern this might happen again, but H assured him--no this is special. Back to present time: On the back of the business card I found a poem he wrote that breaks my heart all over again....one stanza in particular -- "she won't be my love, she won't be my wife, when I was so certain she was the center of my life". Knowing how strongly he feels about OW, how in the world can he ever have those feelings again for me??? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

It's great that your H invited you to lunch and that he is reading SAA. That shows progress....albeit slow.....which is how this all works.

IMHO though.....I think you should seek a different support group.

On the whole poem thing........it's typical not only for the WS to write things like that.....but to say them to the BS's face. I've heard some pretty nasty things from my FWH.

Ask anyone on here who is in Rocovery.......we've heard it all....from.....
I hate you.
You're not worth my time.
It's over....filing for divorce.
I love him/her more than I've ever loved you.
She/He gives me what I need.

to........

No matter what.....I will never love you again.
He/She is more man/woman than you ever have been.
He/She is my soulmate.

We've heard it all. So yes.....it is possible to for the love to return for him after being told those things.

Most of them mean them when they say them......but only then....only when the words are coming out of their mouths.

I'm not quite sure how to ask this. I don't want folks to think ill of me....WH and I did not have children by joint agreement as well as other factors. However, I wonder if chances are better for rebuilding M for couples who do have children together?

Btw, OW told WH she doesn't want chilren, so my being childless is not a cause for EA.

Also, when I came home from work, H was still at the house because of a water leak in one of the bathrooms that soaked the ceiling downstairs. Wish I knew how to fix things like that. At any rate, while here he asked if I had dinner plans and I told him I had called a friend about going out tonight, but had not heard back yet. He left saying if plans fell through to call him. I don't know, but I think maybe I should not be so eager and turn him down??? Besides, I'm so tired from too little sleep, I thought I might just stay home and go to bed early.