My H went out on Thursday night and did not come home all night. He called and said he was loaded up drunk and stayed at his friends house whick I don't know if I believe him or not. Well if you know my story my H has been home from the OW's house for almost 3 weeks. The OW called our house as my H was just coming in and she told me you H is on his way home I just saw him in your car and it looked like someone else was in the car with him. Then she asked me if she can talk to him, because he has some of his clothes at his house and she wants to give it to him, but wants to talk to him and wants him to tell her if it is over or not between them. I told her no she couldn't talk to him and hung up on her. I know he wasn't with her and hasn't been with her since he left. She said to me you won I lost. I was thinking what does she think this is a game or what? From other people who know her she has gone out with several married men. Why does she sound like it's all just a game to her on who wins or looses?

Surely you don't believe all this? The OW just "happens" to see him on the road in the morning and just "happens" to assume he is on his way home and calls to let you know that he didn't spend the night with her? Do you also believe in the easter bunny?

And it is a game. The game is called covering up for each other.

No I honestly know that my husband was not there. I have a good connection. And I heard that she was out with another married guy on Friday night with children. And the guy told someone that I know that he has known her for a long time and she always goes after married men.

Goldie,
please please tell me about YOU...

tell me how you are going to marriage counseling even if right now it's for you without your husband

tell me how you are in counseling for you to address the issues that brought you to the point of having an affair..and working on you to show changes that you have made within

tell me how you are in contact with Alanon either at meetings or on the web.

tell me that you are taking steps to not live in fear of upsetting your husband so that he leaves you.

tell me that your husband has agreed to no contact and is willing to write a letter stating thus...

tell me how you are giving little to no thought to the OW and looking inwards at changes you want to make in your life

tell me how you are taking steps to change your phone number and have discussed this with your husband and he is agreeing that it is a good idea

tell me one step taken to resolve the issues of the huge blow up that occurred just this past week...cause it won't just go away...you know it...

Goldie I'm gonna be tough on you over and over again....because I believe that you have to take steps to get in control of your own life and recovery....and I know you can...I believe you can and should....
you are worth it...
change is hard and scarey and painful
but it is better than living every moment waiting for a shoe to drop
you have the support here to start...

ARK

Ark, I met my H when I was 21, I had a daughter when I was 19 from a boyfriend in HS. He didn't want anything to do with her. That was back in 1984. Back then whenever I met a guy they didn't want there parents to know I had a baby, when I met my H he fell in love with her instantly and so did his family. They treated her like she was theres. After 3 years of dating my H and I got married when I got pregnant with our 13 yr old son. When we got married my H adopted my daughter.

All the problems now I feel like are my fault, because of my A. If I didn't do what I did my H wouldn't be drinking again and he wouldn't have been with the OW. Why I had my affair I don't know. My pshychologist said we probably had problems before my A.

I realize you may FEEL that all the problems are your fault...but they aren't....and you are going to have to push your self past that thought process...

It is untrue....and you must wrap your mind around the thought that though you and each every person on this earth holds the capacity to make bad choices and cause pain to ourselves and others...that we all have the capacity to change, make ammends, and be forgiven as well as forgive...
YOU must believe this first and formost....
If you have the capacity within your own self to forgive and BE forgiven...then it must be true of others....and your husband is capable of this also

Your husband drinks because he chooses to drink.

people stay stuck in ruts because part of them chooses to stay in a rut...

Each of us are accountable for our own actions

you and your husband need to work on healing yourselves and eachother...
YOU must take a role in this healing for it to occur...inspite of your fear and guilt or nothing will get better...

I know it hurts...but the pain of staying where you are is worse....
start to make small moves in the directions of becoming and being the person/wife you want to be...

small consistant changes...
get to alanon to get affirmation about your husbands drinking...it is not your fault...
thousands have believed the same...you will find support there....

ark

Ditto what Ark said with no need for improvement!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please pay attention to Ark's comments and take them to heart.

take care,
L.

I went to Al-Non a couple of times back in November, but stopped after he left. I figured if he wasn't here I would not go anymore.

How am I suppose to show my husband I am not going to make any more bad choices in my life or mistakes if he doesn't even stay sober long enough to see that I am changed? I am sure he feels as though I will hurt him again, but I have leared alot of lessons the hard way and would never repeat what I did no matter what. I was stupid and called his gf or ex gf yesterday, because his cell phone is missing and she has it. I want it back because I still have to pay for it. She told me my H said he isn't happy here and my H told her exhusband that he loved her a few weeks ago. What am I suppose to believe. She also told me my H would call her, because he always does usually. I am so afraid of him leaving again and the kids being hurt again too. They have had enough hurt in the past year and 7 months. Then she told me if he wants his stuff back he will have to talk to her, and I said no way and then she asked me what are you afraid of if you think he is back with you? All I want is answers from him, like do you really love her or want to be with her more than me and his kids? But he won't talk to me when I ask he gets mad at me for asking him questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How am I suppose to show my husband I am not going to make any more bad choices in my life or mistakes if he doesn't even stay sober long enough to see that I am changed? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't do anything to show your husband...do it for YOU.

Well, if he wasn't with OW, then who was in the car with him? Another OW?
Getting his things back is easy if he really needs them. She puts them out on front porch, you go with him to pick them up!
Simple! But for me, I wouldn't want the things back he'd had at her house. They could go into the trash.
I cut up and threw out clothes my H wore with other woman! We can buy anything he needs that badly without those things in my home and to trigger more pain!
God bless, LouLou

The only 2 things I am concerned about is he has a hunting rifle there and his cell phone, that was just bought a month ago, because she did something to his other one and then we bought another and it was in his truck and now that one is missing, his adapter was there but the phone is gone. We suspended the service but if it is not given back either we have to buy another one or pay the hefty price because we will have to cancel it all together. We already went out and bought some new clothes and he has alot here still he never took with him.

you said

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How am I suppose to show my husband I am not going to make any more bad choices in my life or mistakes if he doesn't even stay sober long enough to see that I am changed?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Goldie look at this sentence...it is a bunch of seperate issues/tasks all jumbled into one mix...
and if you group issues and problems in your marriage and life into one confusing package then you won't be able to seperate the issues and work on them....
they are related but it is not realistic to address as a group...you gotta break it down and attack these issues on a simpler plane...

How am I suppose to show my husband I am not going to make any more bad choices in my life or mistakes

susan answered part of this...you change for you...and your changes become you...there are no garuntees and if your husband is demanding a garuntee that you never ever hurt him again...you can't...
You also seem to operate from a belief that your actions directly cause him to behave a certain way....and are taking on way to much blame...so that if you base your changes out of guilt and or fear....and not because you truly have become to believe these things need changed for you...it will most likely fail....and he will see through them

Also you can't live your life walking a certain line and believing that the only reason your spouse is still there is to catch you messing up just to stay around long enough to say I told you so...that's not good enough for you or him...

Goldie you two must have communication.
communication about what brought you and him to this place where you both disrepected your vows...you can not sweep this under the carpet..
you have children and you can not all live under fear and the percieved threat he will walk again...
BUT you must do this through counseling...
so you must get in to couseling with him...
And if he won't go...then you need to seriously think about living the rest of your life with out resolution and there are tons of posts of people who come years post affair living in misery due to never resolving these issues...don't let that happen to you...do not choose a route that garuntees more pain

if he doesn't even stay sober long enough to see that I am changed?

he drinks because he makes that choice to...period
get to alanon.
NO MORE going to any bar with him
if he drinks and drives and you know he is, call the police...no way should anyone else be the victim of his drunkeness
ALANON for you for your children...and you need to tell him that you are going..and that you love him and that you are very concerned about his drinking...and that he needs to get help...

what does your husband say about the cell phone and his rifle...
what does he say about counseling
what does he say about his drinking
how much quality family time is their
what does he say to the children
does he play with them
does he alleviate their fear that he will leave again.
does he talk to you about the OW

The only 2 things I am concerned about is he has a hunting rifle there and his cell phone

well those things I am least concerned about..

I am concerned about YOU
your children
your ability to take control in healing.

make small small goals and steps that put you in control..
you have a lot of choices on where to start and choices are power in their own right.

choice to get in touch with alanon this week
choice to get a marriage counselor this week
choice to ask your husband if he is in contact with OW
choice to let go of the mis-guided thought that you make your husband or anyone else behave in a certain way
choice to acknowledge you are forgivable as well as able to forgive.
choice to let go of consuming thoughts of the OW and realize she is not your problem by a long shot.
choice to decide that living by just waiting for the shoe to drop and him leave you again is no way to live...

Goldie if you beleive you made bad choices in the past....be wary of that pattern still existing in your life...and that choices that swing the other way in reaction to fear or misguided beliefs are not so good either..

having him "home" at any price...is not an option.

ARK

BUMP FOR GOLDIE

Ark, I don't know what to do anymore, my H just can't get past what I did, read my post about exboss.

Goldie

he can't get past it...because it just is a lovely issue avoidance...

avoid all issues of his behavior
avoid the fact that three weeks ago he was living with an OW
avoid the fact he threatened to leave you if you didn't lie for him
avoid the fact that he has a serious drinking issue
avoid the fact that he had an extremely verbally cruel outburst at you...
avoid the fact that he needs to communicate...

AND
if you are totally resolved to believing that all his actions and behaviors are YOUR fault...
ant that you are soley responsible for forcing him to do things and say things...
IF YOU believe that...
then divorce him and free him from all your evil and badness....

I don't believe it for one second ...so that's the last thing I think you should do...

I gave you a list of things you should do...
are you doing any of them....
...and i am sure others could come up with even other things...
I also had some questions that you haven't answered...
I am trying to shake you out of this Goldie...
you gotta dig deep accept that you did wrong and move on....
ARK

Ark, I just want my marriage and family to work out so bad. Every time I try it fails for some reason. He has every right to think that that the guy was trying to get in touch with me from the past mistakes if you read my post about my exboss calling me. If he was I would tell him defintly so I can try to get him to trust me again.

well what is he doing to get you to trust him again????....

Don't you BOTH have trust issues within yourselves and with one another...

this is not so onesided...it is a marriage made of two grownups.....

what about counseling?
him, you, both???

ARK

By him being here that maybe is the 1st step, but nothing else as of yet.