My WS had an affair with a much younger woman. He is 47,I'm 47 and she is 22. (He has a son who is a year younger!) I divorced him, but he insists that he wants to work things out and be together again. I am struggling BIG time with not feeling very desireable, especially in comparison to this other woman. I don't want to be bitter about aging, but I honestly can see why a person might desire a younger woman. She's not drop dead gorgeous, but she is young with no wrinkles or sagging skin, has long blonde hair, and is of average weight (whereas I have always been overweight and it ain't gettin any easier as I age!) It's not that my appearance has changed much since we married, but now that my ex-husband knows he can attract a hot young chick I can't see why he'd want me. Yes, we share far more interests and I am much more intelligent and capable of supporting myself than she. I never wanted to become one of those "vain" woman who fight aging every inch of the way. I take good care of myself wearing makeup and dressing nicely. He says he thinks I'm beautiful, but OUCH!, that's hard to trust in light of his affair.

What about it guys?? I don't want to stereotype anyone's behavior, but I'm sure struggling with this one. Anyone convince me that an older woman can be as desireable as a much younger one? (Physically and sexually, as well as mentally and spiritually) Would sure like some feedback.

Hi Lilymarie,

As I've gotten older (not that 40 is old!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) I've learned to appreciate the wonderful, non-physical qualities of my W. I suspect that your ex-H has come to realize, as I have, that true beauty comes from the INSIDE of a woman... not the fancy packaging.

If your ex-H says that he finds you attractive, then accept his comment at face value! You and your H have a mutual history and memories on your side... His A only satisfied a lustful fantasy.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hi lilymarie,

this is abit difficult for me to explain, but I'll try my best.

Think back to when you were 22. You thought you knew everything, didn't you?? (well I thought I was soooo wise) But that's definately crap!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As you said, she's a "chick" and has LOTS to learn. At first it might be great for men to know that they can attract such a young girl and I'm sure that feels very good.
But think about "reality". They are still in the learning process of their life. They have so much to learn and this can really get on an older man nerves.
It might be great at the beginning but when routine comes back into life it plainly nerves.
Now think about yourself. You are experienced and you know much more.
A woman (I'm counting myself also) that has reached her 40's just knows so much more.
When I think back to when I was 22, I hardly knew what really "turned on" my H in bed. Well, now I really know it and I'm capable of "giving it all" with no embarrassment.

I know what I like and I know what fullfills me and I am capable to "speak it out". This is what turns on (at least my H) men. I'm not talking for all of em, cause I only have mine, but this is what I know about from my H.

He loves "enthusiasm" and he loves it when we are able to "make love" without having to "guess" what will make each of us happy.
It's the self-confidence of a "aging" woman that is so precious. No little "chick" can be like this!!!!

Woman that are older can depend on their "intuition" and they just know it!!!! (at least this is where I am now!)
We are capable to put in a mix of sex, softness and self-confidence and we know the "tricks" outta the books. This is what a 22 year old still has to learn. It might turn a man on to be able to be her "teacher" at the beginning but this surely will get on a man's nerves within time.

This all affects almost all parts of life. I can't imagine a 22 year old being able to cook like a woman in her 40's.
And a "hungry" man can be very "unfullfilled".

So I'd try to calm down and stop worrying. We're "older" YES but I'm positive that we are "Better!"

There are so many "beautiful" older woman. It's just also a matter of what we think of ourselves.
It's the "glow" that comes from inside of ourselves. This "glow" will not be overseen from anyone, believe me.

Your H probably was having a great problem with his own "age" at the time of his affair and this younger woman made him feel "special. Yes but I also believe that she also "admired" his age and his experience. So what does this tell you???

Age and Experience can be very attractive and this doesn't only count for men!! Be prowd of your age and be prowd of your experience. That little "chick" has so much to learn in her life and You are way ahead of her. (poop on her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

take care
bb

lily, I agree with the others that desireability has a lot more facets than physical appearance. I also doubt very much your H had an affair just for that reason (but if he did, I would carefully consider why I would want someone back who is that shallow). So first order of business would be to revisit the affair (and the marriage) do all the relationship (and personal for each of you) work to fully process that, and see what it means for you in terms of wanting to live the rest of your life with this man.

Actually you are in a very good position. Divorce provides a good boundary for sorting through things with out the pressures and expectations of marriage. IMO the best way to determine whether one truly wants to remain in a specific marriage is to get space (seperation/divorce) between you so you can recover from the habits and programming that goes on in co-dependent/dysfunctional marraige. From that clarity it is easier to figure out who you are, what you want in life, see that you are ok by yourself, and so forth. From this clear vantage point, it is easier to assess your mate (or exmate) and see what's what. I suggest you view your exH as you would in prosepective suitor. Date him for a couple years, see how he handles himself, see how you feel (and let (non-physical) friendships with other men develop, it is the only practival way to assess different capacities to meet needs...your H may want you, but you may come to find you really don't want a marital relationship with him, and prefer the exspouse relationship). Likewise you may find he really doesn't want you (by his actions), just wants what you do for him.

The point being you sound pretty together, and there is no rush at all, take your time, treat this just like any other pursuit, DO NOT let him live with you, and see what happens. I would also suggest you take action with one thing you do have control over, you implied a weight issue. Well forget about H for now, and focus on why that is, and do something about it... sometimes people gain weight cause they are unhappy with their circumstances, maybe now that you are single, losing weight might be easier...

Don't worry about losing an opportunity either. If your H really wants remarriage, he will stay the course and wait for you...if not, well, then guess good to find that out before remarrying him.