Hello... I am new to this site but love it and feel that I will work through this with the information that has been provided on this site. I am 34 and have been married for almost 16 years. I have been dating my husband since I was 16 and have 3 wonderful children two teenagers and one 11 yr old... I know my husband loves me and adores me. We have always been very close but for the last two years he has been a total work a holic working 65-70 hours per week he misses a lot of family time or ends up sleeping through them or falling asleep in public. Anyway I love him very much but I have felt neglected,getting older, unattractive, you name it. I had an affair last year. I had never thought or even considered anything like that before. It lasted 7 months seeing each other once to twice a month. At times I feel no remorse and feel like I have been talking to a brick wall for two years. Then there are times that I feel like I never should have entered that world and regret it. I have made threats to my husband that I am going to leave him for a few weeks to get some space between us and for him to know what it takes to be home for the kids but I haven't done that. I love him so much and never wanted to hurt him. I don't want to tell him about the affair because I know it would hurt him deeply and I really don't know how he would take it if he would divorce me or if he would still love me. I really think what started me down this road was about a year and a half ago our son came to me and told me that he was sexually abused by a babysitter 5 years prior. It was a babysitters son who did it. Our children were at the sitters for a month till I realized it just wasn't working out there. It killed me to hear my son tell me what happend 5 years prior and not knowing anything about it before. My husband worked 3rd shift at the time and I had to call him at work to tell him what our son told me. When I called him and told him I was crying and just wanted to be held. I always came first in his life. This time I was told that we would get over this and he would see me in the morning. All I wanted was for him to drop everything like he always had before to be with me and he didn't. He was the boss at the company and could have easily have done that. It tore me apart to know that work came first before our family. I had so much anger in my heart about what happend to my son and so much guilt since I was the one that placed them at that sitters. Since then I've realized my husbands work comes first even more. Work comes before the family he is saleried so I just don't understand the hours. I want to work through this and I don't want to tell him. I guess I just need some insight here. When I tell him I'm leaving he tells me i'm giving up tells me it will get better but it never does. I just want my husband back. I haven't seen this other guy since Oct. but he continues to write me. At times I feel like going back to him but I know I can't I just feel like I can work through this but at times it is so hard. My Pastor and Wife tell me that he loves me and that he is just trying to provide for his family and that every time he is late I should be loving and tell my kids that Dad is working late because he loves them. But I just feel like his work has driven a stake between our marriage. Can ya help me out with some words of wisdom..... Thank You..

Welcome to MB. You've certainly come to the right place. Read all you can on this website.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to work through this and I don't want to tell him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You will hear from the vast majority of us who post here, both BS and FWS, that you should tell him if you want your marriage to ever be healthy again. A marriage built on lies leads to an emotional distance between the 2 of your that will just grow wider with time. One of the cornerstones of MB philosophy is radical honesty.

If you really want to "work through this", I'd suggest you need to tell him and get into some MC.

I'm sorry my words are probably not what you want to hear, but they are my honest opinion, as someone who cheated on her own H and regrets it to this day that I had to be accused rather than confessing to him.

Jen

first, yes you should tell, that will put the marriage into crisis and you (and he) will have to do the work required to see what the truth is for you both....infidelity itself rarely ends marriage, it just exposes the real issues which themselves may end a marriage, and that is ok, better than living a lie.....but first there will be an opportunity to essentially remarry (so to speak) as you each find out who you are. Your H left the marriage some time ago (emotionally) that is not ok, in that circumstance you found someone else (pretty normal behaviour), but came to realize that does not work (obviously in hindsite) and that was not ok either....BOTH of your behaviours are wrong, neither is any worse than the other, they are both symptons of a failed marriage, he will have to deal with the percieved pain as a consequence of his choices, just as you have to deal with the pain of your choices....nothing healthy will start until you tell the truth, and that if he values the marriage he has a lot of work to do, cause you cannot do it yourself....How you tell is important though, so seek advice...preferably you will with the support of a competent marriage counsellor.

As for love, it is a many splendored thing, and also a very confusing thing. Much "love" is really dependentcy, and it sounds like you are in a dependent relationship. If you feel you cannot live, survive, be happy without a particular person then you are in a dependentcy, not a loving relationship. What MB offers is a methodology to find out if love (the safe, healthy, nurturing relationship love is supposed to be) is possible. For real love to be present, two people must be emotionally healthy, choose each other, and behave in ways consistent with successful intimate relationships....neither of you are doing any of this. You have a lot to learn...for example you mentioned the call to work when you needed him and his response. What you wanted to was reasonable, but your expectation/request was a form of selfish demand, and when he did not comply you were angry (whether you acted angry or not). I suspect you are very angry with your H right now (whether you will allow yourself to admit it or not), and rightly so, don't be afraid to voice it....in the approriate way (which you will learn). He will most likely be angry with you too, expect that, and let him have his anger...but hold him accountable for his behaviour, and own yours, but do not allow anyone (including your H) to judge you. What is done is done, learn and grow, you are no worse than your H, or anyone else.

I would suggest you take a couple weeks and read this site, some of the basic books (ask for suggestions...one basic one is surviving an affair by harley) about affairs and how they work. Maybe (expensive but useful) use the phone counselling provided by MB to make a plan, and then carry it out. Remember one thing, as long as you take the right actions, do YOUR work, whatever happens will be ok.

<small>[ March 24, 2003, 07:03 AM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>

Lady,

Let's address a few things in order of importance. One, how is your son doing? Did you and H get him into some counseling to deal with this? Did you file a police report to stop this from happening to someone else? How is he doing now?

Did your H talk to you about this when he got home from work? Why did YOU need consoling when it was your son that was so seriously hurt by this incident? I am being harsh here for several reasons. One is that this incident while tragic was about your son, and was not about your H working or you needing consoling. It is not an excuse for having an affair.

Now, lets address the affair. The major tenants of this site are two: "radical honesty", and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. There are others but these two are the big ones. I would like to strongly urge you to read this site about these two items and the others. I would also like to urge you to buy some books: His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair both by Harley. There are other fine books I am just not familiar with them. Others here will recommend others.

You need to tell your H what has happened.

Now I don't think it will come as a surprise to you that I am a guy, given my first comments to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, let me offer some things for you to consider when you approach your H about rebuilding this marriage.

Most men are raised and trained to take care of their families. We have been taught that this is our #1 obligation to the family. Given the age of your children, I would bet he is panicing about college and the cost of it. Given the economy, I would bet he is worried that the company may let him go. It is happening.

On a more personal note, I would bet he doesn't look forward to coming home. I am guessing from your post, that when he gets home, he gets the daily dump of everything that has gone wrong, all he needs to do, and long list of items he is behind doing. When you spend all day dealing with problems coming home to more is not very attractive. You might really want to pay attention to love busters, LB's. Normally, one considers what the betrayed spouse, BS, did, but it is fruitful for you to do the same as the Wayward Spouse, WS. You have identified some that your H has done, but it does work both ways.

I realize you two have been married for awhile, but I must tell you something else. At 36 you are still young. Maybe doing a little MLC, but since I have been married 27 years, and didn't get married until 31, I see you and your H as very young. The point of that statement is more complex than you realize.

ONe, you are NOT getting old. Frankly, you probably won't peak until your 40's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Second, the 30's is when most men really panic and work their buns off. It is moving time in the career and the cost of college are looming. It is a very very uncertain time for most careers, and surely for most men. My bet he is thinking, "we need to get the kids through college,and THEN we can really enjoy our lives. My career will be whatever it will be by then and I can relax a bit."

Those two things: his fear of not providing enough, and being at an age for "moving time" in his career are really really big things for men. Don't under estimate his fear in this situation. Most men when frieghtend, shut up and work harder. How do I know? Been there, done that, and got the tee shirts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You have failed your marriage by having this affair, but you have not ended it. It can be rebuilt into something better, but it will require communications and lots of it, plus the ability to see things from the other persons perspective.

Please talk with your H. If you are uncertain as to how to broach this subject to him (and who is certain about something like this), talk with your minister, or perhaps retain a counselor to help you approach him. There is no way this won't hurt him, but some ways seem more appropriate depending on the type of person he is.

Must go. Keep reading, and definitely keep asking questions.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ March 24, 2003, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>