OK...I read here more than I post...and I know what I should do...but since my fiance moved out five days ago, I have done a lot of unproductive things...scream, cry, slam doors, starve myself, etc. And he didn't react well to all that.

After spending the weekend at my mom's, and thinking it over, I have managed to calm down a bit. (Just a bit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) I called him twice at work in the beginning...first call was bad, second call he was kinder. Then I sat back and waited, and he called me. He actually sounded lonely. I tried to stay neutral...not overly whiney, and not overly cool. He said he might come over and visit on Tuesday. (Still wouldn't give me his new cell number or address, but said he would call.)

I was expecting a call. But he showed up after I got home from work on Tuesday. He had some major dental work that day, and was depressed about the pain. I wasn't overly sympathetic, but somewhat...I told him it would be ok (work not done yet)...made him some mashed potatoes (only thing he could eat). He stayed for about two hours. Says he can't wait to have the dental work done, so we can go out to dinner. Hugged and kissed me on the way out.

Does this sound like it's going okay? It's tough not to scream and cry, because I really feel like doing it!! But it seems the less I do that, the more his loneliness and regret is coming out. Is this good?

Opinions please. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And thanks.

stray,

sounds like you did great....

try to get those emotions under as much control as you can...
remember small consitant changes are what counts inside of you...as well as to him...

keep reading on plan A....check out the one that just re-surfaced..the misapplication of plan a...lots of tips on what not to do...
and tips on how not beat yourself up to much when you slip up..

;)blessings to you

ARK

Thanks, ark... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Overall I am doing OK...some times are better than others. Just trying to be happy, and keep emotions in check. He said he might come over tomorrow...I do not know for sure...I called him this morning, and he was nice...but next call is on him...if he doesn't call or come over, then so be it.

He gave me his new cell phone number, but still won't give me his new address.

Overall he sounds pretty lonely where he is staying. He is renting a room in an older couple's house, and they sound like they nag more than I do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He's not eating well, either.

The more time goes by, the more I panic that he won't return...but I guess right now, I have to live one day at a time.

STRAYCAT,

Try not to use this time to panic...but really focus on how your relationship was before the good and the bad...
search for mistakes and instances that were huge red flag...and change think about ways to change your role that caused pain to you and him...

Really search inside to imagine the type of marriage you want....

Use this time to work on you...
look smashing....
change your hair style, new highlights...some new clothes..something that gets his attention...

Also consider inviting him on a activity he would enjoy...and if he accepts try your hardest just to make a good time...no heavy talks...flirt a little...no heavy emotions...leave him thinking...
and if he doesn't accept the offer of something...go and do something anyways...
don't sit home waiting for him...clinging to him..

Also don't let him suck you down in to his own misery of his creation....and don't take blame for it...listen and empathize but keep gently redirecting...

"gee it sounds like you feel really bad about things....it sounds really lonely feeling that way...are you seeing that therapist you mentioned. I hate to see you so confused? "

show concern...
you look tired are you sleeping OK
you look tired are you eating
how much pain are you having with the dental work?
etc.

Stray in some ways the fact that you aren't married yet..and IF both of you really step up to the plate to do this hard work...marriages require alot a work ...
You and He stand at a point of having a really really strong and committed marriage....

though it hurts ....it's better to do it now then after you say I DO...
I think you are gonna be much stronger and sure of who you are...and what you want...
ARK

Thanks for the suggestions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I was off work today, and that's a bad thing for me, because it gives me more time to feel miserable. He came over for a bit...dental work not done as scheduled, so he was in a bad mood... stupid me started crying before he left. I told him I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty...I'm just lonely...asked if he was lonely...he said yes, although he doesn't have much time to feel lonely.

See, he is a workaholic. He will work 1 1/2 shifts or double shifts constantly. That's a main reason for our trouble. He would get angry when I asked for time for us. Like, "How dare you ask to go out for dinner when I am doing the noble thing by working extra hard."

When he visited on Tuesday, he was much more reflective and kind. He even said "I have to find a way where I don't let my work life rule my personal life." So I know there's a good guy in there somewhere.

There's also a problem I am afraid I can't fix. He has such a gung-ho "work ethic." And when I lost my job after 9/11, I purposely didn't find a job for a while...and he looked down on me for collecting unemployment pay. I felt I was due (for working at the company for 10+ years) and he felt I was a slacker. I just fear he will never change his view on that. [edited to add: that's actually when his A occurred...when I was not working, and depressed...instead of trying to help me, he withdrew from my situation.]

Today was probably not a good day for a visit. I should only agree to see him, if he is in a good, thoughtful mood. I asked him if he would start seeing the therapist after his dental woes are done, and he said "Well what makes you think the therapist will tell me to go back to you?"

He also noticed that the cat is starting to hate him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This is tough. He said "I never really got to live alone" because he was married with kids at a really young age, and lived mostly with a roommate before we got together. I understand this, but he can't make up for what he didn't do in his youth. Is this MLC?!?

He also asked if I had given any thought to selling our place. (It's mine.) I said yes of course, but not right away...I mean, what if you come back?! He didn't really answer that. I said, some days it seems like you give me hope, and some days you don't. I know he can't say "I will be home in X amount of days/weeks/months" but the longer it goes on, the less hope I think I will have. I think he needs to see the therapist, and not put it off due to work pressure, or dental problems, etc. He needs to do it now. But I can't make him.

I need to calm down. My emotions are topsy turvy. I should actually refuse to see him on days when I sense he is not seeing me in a good light...or on days where I am wallowing in self-pity. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 07:20 PM: Message edited by: straycat ]</small>

The dental work is done. He is trying to adjust, but overall he is much happier because of it. He said he would see a doctor (for meds) and/or a therapist this week, or at least make an appointment. I hope he does this. Neither of us is getting anywhere this way...just living in limbo.

He's still working a lot. He needs the overtime, because he has more expenses since he moved out. (Duh!!) He came to visit twice last week, on Wednesday and Saturday. I guess that is a good sign. (Or am I letting him have his cake and eat it too...live alone and have his privacy, and visit when he is lonely...but I am lonely, so I encourage when he wants to visit...)

Even though I told him that I'd like to sign his daughter's birthday card, he sent it without letting me sign. I was upset, and cried on the phone about it. He said he would get another card and we would both sign. On Saturday he "forgot" to bring a card...said he would get one and bring it later...I said no, if you really mean it, I will find one in the stationery drawer...and we both signed and mailed it. Was it wrong for me to push it? He did offer, but forgot about me in the first place.

Just babbling here. I just feel like everything is frozen. No moving forward or backward. He just eats, sleeps, and works. He is not "finding himself" like he thought moving out would allow him to. I just fear that if he doesn't do something, we will both keep living in limbo like this. Can't do this for too long. (My mom is already telling me I should dump him permanently...and this is a woman who loved the guy...when he picked up his stuff and left, it shattered her image of him.)

<small>[ April 06, 2003, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: straycat ]</small>