Yeah that's right fellow MBers. The Lukster set the boundaries!!! WW called and demanded to know why I had not been talking to her. I said there is no point if you are having an A and constantly attacking me. I told her that I had tried and tried and that I was sick of all the hurt. She said that the A had ended and they were just friends. I said there's no such thing as just friends after an A and I might consider talking when "these people" were completely out of the picture. She said that I had changed my mind. I said that I had changed my mind and was not a pushover anymore. That’s pretty much were it ended.

She called originally called to ask about taxes. Then she called back about me going over to visit "her" niece. I said that she is my niece too. She replied that she’s not my niece if I don’t talk to her and to not talk to her family anymore. We went round and round on that for a while. She accused me of not knowing what I wanted. I said that I would consider talking to her if the OMs were gone from her life. She said that she would not cut all ties. I said that’s how it has to be if you even want to talk about it.

I laughed out loud after that exchange. I am truly healing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Luki

<small>[ April 07, 2003, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: Luki ]</small>

Luki I am so sorry to hear about your situation! It sounds to me like you still have so anger over things but you are healing and setting some boundaries. That is excellent!

Stay strong and insist on NC!

You are in my prayers.

Luki,

U R healing. Sad to note that she is not at the same place U R.

I am proud of your progress. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep it up. Keep working on you.

By the way, relatives can maintain their own relationship with or without the Ws. They are not dependent upon a relationship with an OM unless they choose it. More fog babble.

L.

Stay away from Victoria's Secret stores.

STTSI,

The anger has passed, and I have gotten stronger. A while back if she would have said the A is over I would have rolled over. But now, that the A is "over" I have no desire to go back at this point. No anger here, just strength.

Orchid,

Thanks for the pat on the back. The demand to cease contact was incredulous to say the least. I was almost laughing at the notion that she thought she could dictate to me who I see.

TMCM,

VS is definitely out of the question right now. I would probably pass out or something.

-Luki

Luki,

Congrats!! You are now ready to move on OR get your marriage back. you are right...before, you would have rolled over...and she still would not have come back because she had her cake. But now you are where I was in December. If you have read my posts, my wife wanted to continue in her relationship with OM, but still have Christmas as a family. I said absolutely not. Which led to a HUGE blow-up, and her stating "see, there is no way I can come back because you wont even give me the chance." She didn't want a chance at the time...she wanted chocolate cake!

I know how empowering what you just did feels. And I know it isnt a game...you really mean it! Now, my friend, you are ready to move forward. I caution you though...be careful how fast you move forward. I started talking with someone new right after I did this in December. If my wife hadnt of come back when she did in January, there would have been no hope for us. But, because she did, I had to shut down a friendship that was getting deeper (EA?). And that hurt everyone involved.

No, stay where you are and let her now take what she is seeing and hearing and digest it. She may think this is all a game, and you dont know what you want. But since you are now empowered, she will learn over the next several weeks, that you really do mean it. And then, decision time will come for her.

She is a cake eater, just like my wife was. Even the OM told her she was burning the candle at both ends. your wife wants to maintain contact with OM? Then no contact with you! Tell her one of you will be in her life...but not both. She will have to decide which one she would rather have. And until she decides, you will just trust that she would rather be with the OM...and you will have no contact with her. Good 'ole Plan B! Tell her that you cannot control her and her maintaining contact with the OM, but you can control the contact between her and you.

And then...disappear. Once I did this in December, except for exchaging the kids a few times, and a couple of calls by her checking on the kids...there was a communications blackout for about 5 weeks. I NEVER called. And then one day, 6 weeks after going full Plan B...there was a knock on my door...my wife wanted to talk.

Of course, when that happens for you, you may not want her back. Right now you dont. I didnt either. I dont expect you to right now, where you are at. But, things may change when you see your REAL wife show up. That is why I said, in the words of the immortal JustLearning...steady as she goes Luki.

In His arms.

Mortarman,

Thanks for the reponse. You make some great points.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I caution you though...be careful how fast you move forward. I started talking with someone new right after I did this in December. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's the great unknown isn't it. If that should happen then it opens up a whole other can 'o worms. My plan is not to worry about it unless it becomes an issue. If I should meet someone, then I meet someone, if I don't, I don’t. It's not something that I am trying to do but I am not avoiding it either. "Que sera sera." I realize that this is outside the MB principles but that’s how I feel about my life.

[QUOTE She may think this is all a game, and you dont know what you want. [/QUOTE]

LOL. You are too funny. That’s almost exactly what she said. She said that I was not making any sense.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Tell her one of you will be in her life...but not both.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Roger that. I made that point crystal clear last night w/o LBing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But, things may change when you see your REAL wife show up.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They may, but I just don’t see it happening. This fight has exhausted me to the point where I just don’t have any more emotional capital to spend on it. It’s like winning something after a tremendous amount of work but being so utterly drained that you can’t enjoy it. My Ws $L$B has been closed due to a negative balance.

-Luki

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Luki:
<strong>The anger has passed, and I have gotten stronger. A while back if she would have said the A is over I would have rolled over. But now, that the A is "over" I have no desire to go back at this point. No anger here, just strength.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am glad! I interpereted some of the things you said as anger. I was concerned about that but I do agree with strength. Good for you. It is time for you to find some happiness in your life. Just keep your heart and mind open it might still be your WW. Also, try to remember you are still M and you don't want an A of your own. Does any of this have to do Pot. OW? Or is that a dead issue?

Stay strong and set your boundaries. Your W can't have both you and OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does any of this have to do Pot. OW? Or is that a dead issue? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, that is a dead issue. I am on stable ground now. Later.

-Luki

So glad to hear that, sorry to bring it up again!

Remember the line you drew is in the sand and not concrete. Things in sand can and often do change.

You are in my prayers.

I read these boards constantly but don't post very often. But I did want to thank you for posting this today. It made me feel so good to hear about your strength. I am at the very same point myself. I'm sure my H thinks I'm bluffing but I'm really not interested any more. My H, Mr. CakeEater, seems indignant that I wouldn't want to talk to him or spend time with him anymore - OW is certainly willing to have him - Well let her. He's no prize at this point and I've got better things to do with my time including taking care of my (and his) children (much better company than the company he's keeping).

Here's my Plan B question - I've explained that i don't want him contacting me unless for very good reasons involving the children but he calls anyway. I've been not answering the phone when he calls figuring if it's important he can leave a message. I've given him formal separation papers too and told him that after we've been separated a year that I'll be ready for a D.

I know these actions are not in the spirit of Plan B but the problem is that by the time I got to the point where I could do a true Plan B, I really don't care for the marriage any longer.

Actually, now looking at what I've written, I guess I don't really have a question about Plan B. I violated it but don't really care. I'm tired of being the one to try and hold this together when all he's done is try to tear it apart. If he's ok with our kids growing up in single parent families (one of my big motivations for trying to save the marriage), I can't do anything about it but try to do the best parenting that I can.

Have a good weekend and enjoy the freedom that this all brings.

DIJ

dueinjan,

Thanks for your post. I agree, what can you do after you have done everything.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know these actions are not in the spirit of Plan B but the problem is that by the time I got to the point where I could do a true Plan B, I really don't care for the marriage any longer. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Same here, I never implemented a formal plan B because I couldn't. Then one day I woke up, got out of bed and things were different. I did not care either way.

Your H, Mr. CakeEater sounds just like my W, Ms. HaveYourCakeAndEatItToo. She is very confused and upset because I do not talk to her. Gee, let me count the reasons...

Sounds like you are doing what is good for you. Anyway, thanks again for the support.

-Luki

Hey,

I thought I owed you all an update. For the most part there is none. Sporadic email with WW having to do with taxes is the only contact.

I was even able to stay off this board for 4-5 days. I am looking forward and planning my future. Things are tight financially but I hope to begin saving so I can buy a place someday. Take care.

-Luki

Thanks for the update Luki. I had been wondering about you. I'm glad to hear that your Plan B has been going smoothly and I hope that it will bring you peace-of-mind. I'm sure your W is wondering what's up.

My Plan B has had its ups and downs. I have daily contact with H due to children and had been doing pretty well but then this weekend H spent the weekend with my 2.5 YO and OW. By the time my son got home he had to tell me about daddy and OW and the dogs, etc. I remained calm although it kills me inside. The betrayal is multiplied when these young children are involved and H and OW are doing things as a "family unit" with my child(ren). I feel like this %$**#@$% of a woman has not only taken my H but my family as well and has robbed these children of their family and their father. I remained in a good Plan B but then H returned to my house to drop off something that he had forgotten and we got into a verbal exchange (not Plan B behavior) where I called him disgusting, said "how do you think it feels..." etc.

I'm just exhausted. I can't even seem to do a Plan B because our lives are so intertwined (go figure - I guess we were married). I'm trying so hard to just "let go" but there is always something to jerk me back into the situation. My IC says that my H is a pursuer/avoider and that when he feels me distancing from him he will pull me in and that as soon as I do, he's out the door again. She says there is no hope for us - really she did say that. It's hard to take. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be in this misery forever -- my H won't come back but he won't go either.

dueinjan,

Sorry to hear that things are not the best. It's hard no to get sucked back in to the vortex of verbal exchanges. I don't have children so I can't imagine how hard it is to do a plan b. You will not be in misery forever. I think you will find an even keel soon and things will begin to look up. "You just gotta believe in yourself."

-Luki

Mortarman:

"That is why I said, in the words of the immortal JustLearning...steady as she goes Luki."

JL isn't immortal... ...he's just really OLD! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry, I couldn't resist!

♥Qfwfq

Luki,

Any new information during the past few days???

hoping4best,

Thanks for checking up on me. Nothing interesting has happened. I will see FWW(?) Sunday evening to sign off on taxes, see the cats and then that's it for a while, I guess. I will be surprised if she doesn't bring up R talk. Nothing to talk about on my end.

I am holding steady on my own. Take care.

-Luki

Luki-

I hope life is treating you as well as can be expected. I have been out of town with Mrs. STTSI so I don't have much to say to you about your M. I did want to invite you to a potluck that Like Water For Chocolate is having for all MN MB'ers. The link for it can be found in JFO. If you are interested we would love to see you there.

Stay Strong!

What day is it? I have lost track because I am super busy and enjoying life. No news is good news as they say. Sporadic contact with WW esp. since taxes are done. I am getting the last bits of toxic vapors out of my system and I am feeling pretty good.

I must say that the desire to really move on has increased recently. But I am still sticking to my guns. She will have to file and finish this thing off.

Later.

-Luki