I am in Plan A for only two weeks now. Yesterday my H flew home again (OW lives in other city) after spending 2 nights with her.

He comes home and says he missed me and that he truly knows now that he loves me. But he also loves OW. He is so confused because he does not know what to do, which woman to choose. He is loving two women. One he is in love with the other he loves.

He told me that he can´t believe how wonderfully I have reacted to all of this. He expected me to fight, to call OW and her H, threaten taking the kids back to my own country (moved to his country 7 yrs ago and gave up all for him - we are both from scandinavian countries). Instead of me being destructive he has seen sides of me that he thought were not there anymore.

I thank God every day for me finding MB from day 1, so I went straight into Plan A, so I did not do any of the above!

We have made amazing love and we have talked and I have made it "safe" for him to talk to me, to be open and share his thoughts. He is also doing that and I am listening and trying not to bring my own hurt emotions forward too much.

He came home last night and told me that the OW is just waiting for my H to make a decision. As soon as he does she will be his. She will divorce her own husband so they can be together. She has not even told her H that she is having an affair.

I told my H that I loved him and that I hoped it would not go that way. I hoped he would find it in his heart to give us a second chance, but the only person that could make that choice was him. I did not want a H that would come back to me believing he had lost something so great and then continue to be unhappy.

I also told him that I was quite shocked that the OW was willing to give up her own M so fast. And that it was amazing that she could make such a decision knowing that she will be getting a package of 3 small children and an ex-wife along with the deal. My H said she did not have a problem with the children but was afraid of me hating her. (what bulls....t, this woman has got no kids of her own, she has not got a clue what she is stepping into...)

I don´t know whether I was too understanding, but I told my H that I do not think I hate her, but she is never going to be my best friend either. But that if things go so far, then we will just have to work things out, since our kids need their father and I truly hope that at the end of all this the least we can be is friends (our kids deserve nothing less!). I don´t hate the OW by the way. I pity her for not being able to see reality. I pity her for leading a deceiptful life toward her own H.

I am not scared of losing my H anymore, and I am willing to continue plan A:ing until he comes to his decision (or mine where I´ve had enough). I have somehow found a calmness in me thanks to MB and knowing that I am in a PLAN . I have given myself 6 months to prove my love to my H and to work on my own personal issues in order to improve myself as a wife, friend and person in general. I will continue to do that should I go in to Plan B (where I have no contact with my H).

I am certain that Plan B is the wake up call for my H to jump into reality and for him and OW to realize what they REALLY are facing. But I cannot go there yet, since I need to find out what EN´s I have not met for my H. One of them is SF and that I am meeting (with pleasure I might add, since we have not had SF for a long time which felt really passionate and deep, like now).

I have trouble trying to find out how to ask my H what EN´s the OW is fulfilling. So I can see what else it is he is missing. I think it is on a business/professional level and I simply cannot see HOW I can get there? He is in the ever growing moving IT business and the changes happening there are so unbelievably rapid, I can´t keep up. The OW can because she is on my H level and working with exactly the same things!

Another thing. What do you think it would do to my H if I asked him if it was O.K for me to start dating, since I needed some "care free time of my own" as this whole situation is eating me up? Not that I am even remotely interested in anyone else, but I am wondering what it would do to him psychologically if he felt that other men were interested in me, and in that way intensify his feelings that he may actually lose me?

Is that ground I dare to tread on? Or is it Plan B stuff?

Can anyone tell me any concrete examples of what they are doing or have been doing in Plan A? I read an amazing thread here The Misapplication of Plan A , but it misses examples of what BS are doing in everyday life to slowly make the WS understand that us BS are willing to make changes and work on our marriages.

One more thing, what are the general opinions on confronting the OW? Or telling the other womans husband? Should I be doing that or, will that push my H and the OW more into each others arms?

By confronting the OW I am afraid my H will think, "way to go, this is easy, now my W is talking to my lover, looks like they are going to figure it out". he can then just lay back and enjoy the show! He can then hope that either me or Ow make the choices, so he does not have to lift a finger. And as I see it this is HIS CHOICE. And until he has made that choice so that we can begin to recover, I should not be concentrating on anything else than "bringing him back by fulfilling his EN`s and like may put it - being a bit of a doormat!"

By the way last night I had a terrible headache so he wanted to give me a neck and back rub to make me feel better. It helps alot that he is not ignoring me in that sense.

All comments appreciated.

-queen-

No, no dating...don't even mention it..it sort of falsifies everything you are doing..

It sounds like you are doing really well with your plan A. Keep it up and don't forget to take care of yourself too. That is real important. Keeps you up during those down days.

I found out more about needs she was meeting by asking him directly how he saw himself in the A. He was able to articulate how she seemed to make him feel smarter, stronger ect than the average because of the amount of admiration she had about his profession. Good clues for me..I hadn't really been meeting that need very well.

Since it sounds like he is spending time with you, can you plan some fun sort of things? It's really hard to resist a playmate who makes you laugh.

And continue to resist bad-mouthing the OW..You could certainly ask questions in a non threatening way..like a reporter...but try not to be critical. This sort of gels that safety net he needs to continue talking freely to you.

Hang in there,
T

Queen -
Brava! You are doing an awesome job.

Re: Dating....NO NO NO - big fat NO on that one. Don't even bring it up.

You and your H should do the emotional needs questionnaire - very helpful.

I asked my H what he "got" from her and his relationship with her..it was very enlightening. I wrote them down. He felt validated, had conversation, supported..blah blah blah...things I wasn't doing on a regular basis at all.

I think right now the fact that OW hasn't confessed to her H is something in your favour. She is telling your H she will divorce and be his - but the fact that she hasn't come through with the truth with her own H shows that she's not so sure I think. She will have her own issues to deal with that will prove to be very challenging. The lure of the affair may just fade...

Re: confronting her or her H - well, don't. I DID phone my H's OW twice and we had long discussions and I actually quite liked her (really weird I know). After our conversations I think the reality of what she was doing sunk in - I mean she was pretty desperate herself, a young widow with two small kids .She had to be desperate to think a relationship with my H would succeed - they met online - we're in Canada she's in the US - we have two small kids.....yadda yadda yadda.
However, in some ways me connecting with OW worked against me for a time as my H viewed it as me sabotaging things for him. So, avoid contact with OW.

Finally - heed Twyla's advice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please please - take care of YOU!

It sounds like you are doing a great Plan A and are working on meeting your H's ENs in very successful ways. Heck, he's even meeting some of yours.

Continued Plan A will have a strong enabling factor without further benefit. You know that if A breaks up that H would come back to you.

Ask your H what he likes about OW. Maybe he can describe how he fell in love with her. It will be hard, but you'll probably have to bite the bullet during this talk and show interest and not hurt. This is for the sake of gathering intelligence to figure out the EN situation. It's probably going to hurt a lot but it will provide some tools for you to work with.

Once you've finished up this stuff and work on any remaining ENs, possibly filling out your Plan A, go Plan B.

Ditto the others except for one point I'll get to below.

You H is confused because of your Plan A. Don't even be thinking of Plan B for now. Keep up the good Plan A and hopefully you won't need B.

Please consider informing OW's H. See the link about informing OP's spouse in my guidelines, linked in my sig line below.