Anyone with some intelligent comments?

I am in Plan A for only two weeks now. Yesterday my H flew home again (OW lives in other city) after spending 2 nights with her.

He comes home and says he missed me and that he truly knows now that he loves me. But he also loves OW. He is so confused because he does not know what to do, which woman to choose. He is loving two women. One he is in love with the other he loves.

He told me that he can´t believe how wonderfully I have reacted to all of this. He expected me to fight, to call OW and her H, threaten taking the kids back to my own country (moved to his country 7 yrs ago and gave up all for him - we are both from scandinavian countries). Instead of me being destructive he has seen sides of me that he thought were not there anymore.

I thank God every day for me finding MB from day 1, so I went straight into Plan A, so I did not do any of the above!

We have made amazing love and we have talked and I have made it "safe" for him to talk to me, to be open and share his thoughts. He is also doing that and I am listening and trying not to bring my own hurt emotions forward too much.

He came home last night and told me that the OW is just waiting for my H to make a decision. As soon as he does she will be his. She will divorce her own husband so they can be together. She has not even told her H that she is having an affair.

I told my H that I loved him and that I hoped it would not go that way. I hoped he would find it in his heart to give us a second chance, but the only person that could make that choice was him. I did not want a H that would come back to me believing he had lost something so great and then continue to be unhappy.

I also told him that I was quite shocked that the OW was willing to give up her own M so fast. And that it was amazing that she could make such a decision knowing that she will be getting a package of 3 small children and an ex-wife along with the deal. My H said she did not have a problem with the children but was afraid of me hating her. (what bulls....t, this woman has got no kids of her own, she has not got a clue what she is stepping into...)

I don´t know whether I was too understanding, but I told my H that I do not think I hate her, but she is never going to be my best friend either. But that if things go so far, then we will just have to work things out, since our kids need their father and I truly hope that at the end of all this the least we can be is friends (our kids deserve nothing less!). I don´t hate the OW by the way. I pity her for not being able to see reality. I pity her for leading a deceiptful life toward her own H.

I am not scared of losing my H anymore, and I am willing to continue plan A:ing until he comes to his decision (or mine where I´ve had enough). I have somehow found a calmness in me thanks to MB and knowing that I am in a PLAN . I have given myself 6 months to prove my love to my H and to work on my own personal issues in order to improve myself as a wife, friend and person in general. I will continue to do that should I go in to Plan B (where I have no contact with my H).

I am certain that Plan B is the wake up call for my H to jump into reality and for him and OW to realize what they REALLY are facing. But I cannot go there yet, since I need to find out what EN´s I have not met for my H. One of them is SF and that I am meeting (with pleasure I might add, since we have not had SF for a long time which felt really passionate and deep, like now).

I have trouble trying to find out how to ask my H what EN´s the OW is fulfilling. So I can see what else it is he is missing. I think it is on a business/professional level and I simply cannot see HOW I can get there? He is in the ever growing moving IT business and the changes happening there are so unbelievably rapid, I can´t keep up. The OW can because she is on my H level and working with exactly the same things!

Another thing. What do you think it would do to my H if I asked him if it was O.K for me to start dating, since I needed some "care free time of my own" as this whole situation is eating me up? Not that I am even remotely interested in anyone else, but I am wondering what it would do to him psychologically if he felt that other men were interested in me, and in that way intensify his feelings that he may actually lose me?

Is that ground I dare to tread on? Or is it Plan B stuff?

Can anyone tell me any concrete examples of what they are doing or have been doing in Plan A? I read an amazing thread here The Misapplication of Plan A , but it misses examples of what BS are doing in everyday life to slowly make the WS understand that us BS are willing to make changes and work on our marriages.

One more thing, what are the general opinions on confronting the OW? Or telling the other womans husband? Should I be doing that or, will that push my H and the OW more into each others arms?

By confronting the OW I am afraid my H will think, "way to go, this is easy, now my W is talking to my lover, looks like they are going to figure it out". he can then just lay back and enjoy the show! He can then hope that either me or Ow make the choices, so he does not have to lift a finger. And as I see it this is HIS CHOICE. And until he has made that choice so that we can begin to recover, I should not be concentrating on anything else than "bringing him back by fulfilling his EN`s and like may put it - being a bit of a doormat!"

By the way last night I had a terrible headache so he wanted to give me a neck and back rub to make me feel better. It helps alot that he is not ignoring me in that sense.

All comments appreciated.

You have asked a LOT of fantastic questions in your thread, and I'm not sure if I"ll be able to get to them all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Firstly, fulfilling your H's SF need is, in general, quite acceptable. HOWEVER (isn't there always a "but"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), be sure to use protection, specifically condoms. It is NOT an LB to tell your H that you are concerned for your own health and safety, and that you insist on condoms. If he refuses to oblige, then it's not worth giving him SF. Your LIFE is more important than his 'getting off' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

I am amazed at how calmly you seem to be able to be dealing with all of this. I guess since he's away so often, it makes it easier to do your plan A, b/c you have some "you time" to let out your anger and frustrations.

IMO, I don't think you should be so "nicey nice" when talking about the OW. The way I read your post, you're telling your H that it's okay that he continue with his relationship with both of you. But IT IS NOT OKAY!!! Again, it is NOT an LB to tell him that you disapprove of his actions by being with OW. It's an easy statement to make, "H, I do not like that you are with OW on any level". Then drop it. Move on with your plan A.

I also think that it is great that you have already established a time-line of 6 months, to plan A your butt off! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That must make it so much easier to deal with him in the everyday stuff, b/c you know that this is your chance to show him how great you are.

To find out what his EN's are... you can be quite bold and give him the EN questionnaire if you want to. However, I suppose a more subtle approach would work best. Fill out the forms for you, and use your findings to start discussions, perhaps. Example, "H, I was doing some thinking, and I realized that I haven't done 'xxx' in a long time, and I miss it. How about you? Is there anything you've wanted to do for a while?". Then you could plan something around his need. Just a thought. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

DATING???? NO!!! Don't do it!!! Don't even mention it to him. But believe it or not, there ARE ways you could get him wondering what you're up to.

An example I was given from mtthrhbbrd (I probably got the spelling wrong.) from when she was in plan A is: she joined a local "parents without partners" group. She attended some meetings while her H stayed at home at watched the kids. She was honest in telling him that she wanted to prepare herself for the life of a single parent, and this group had group counselling and meetings that would help her. She did attend a few sessions. And she even had some men ask her out on dates too!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She told her H this, and by the way, she turned the men down. And eventually, she stopped going to the PWP meetings, and ended up using that time for HER... to go shopping, or meet with a girl friend for coffee, etc. All the while, it kept her H thinking, "I wonder what she's up to?".

Finally, on confronting OW's H, that can be a topic of controversy. Myself, I'm all for it. Others are dead set against it. I think it falls under the category of a personal choice. I'm thinking, that in your case, you could set the boundary of waiting until your 6 month mark, and if the A is still going strong, THEN make your move, and fill her H in. However, if your H were to end that R, and work on recovery with you, there wouldn't be much need to inform her H, b/c in all reality, it isn't your problem, but theirs. Again, it's a personal choice. Give yourself some time to think about it.

I think I've covered as much as I can right now. At this time, I"ll say, "Welcome to MB!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Post as often as you need to, and don't forget, the more you post to others, the more responses you'll get.

Karen

T25 gave you some good advice. She is right everyone here differs on contacting the OP spouse. I for one am all for it. I wouldn't enable the affair by keeping secret about it. It will be a LB to your H but I believe it also crashes the fantasy land that the WS and OP are in because they have to deal with the reality that people know and they are not the only 2 people in the world. Some disagree with this. But the choice is yours and yours alone.

Topie gave you good advise.

I'd emphasize to use protection, you really don't know who the OW has been with, and you certainly don't know who her H has been with, and you can't be certain of your H either.

Don't date. You are married. Honorable married people don't date.

I called the OW...and the only thing I'd say is that you need to remember she has no loyalty to you. She isn't your friend, or your buddy, and in fact her actions are in direct conflict to your well-being. She may lie, or even her truth may be a deliberately wounding of you. Keep your expectations low and consider her motivations. Plus, watch what you say.

Let me stress that I meant I WOULD contact OP SPOUSE about the affair, but I wouldn't contact OP.

I encourage you to read Emily Brown's book "Affairs". It will provide insight into your H's mindset and offer good advice on dealing with your current situation. When you're not reading it leave it somewhere that your husband will see it in passing. Eventually his curiosity will compel him to peek at it to see what the author is saying about men like him.

As a former WS, that was my motivation for pulling the book from the library shelf. I was stunned at how accurately Brown described me. Her challenge to give up the fantasy of finding the ideal women who can make me feel "alive" still pricks at me several months later.

My wife and I are currently reading David Schnarch's "A Passionate Marriage". It is the only book that has given me any hope that I can have a satisfying marriage with my wife.

I wouldn't contact either the OW or her spouse. I went to see the OW after she had quit emailing H because H had cleared it with OW that he could continue emailing and she promised to let him know if her situation changed (marriage, job, etc). When my H found out I was getting the emails she replied to, he was very angry. Even went so far as to say he sometimes felt like he was the only one trying to be honest.

At any rate after I went to see OW, it did have the desired result that she emailed him she was changing her email address and would never contact him again. However, H questioned this after 2 days and asked if I went to see her. To prove my honesty, I told him yes. He became even more angry and resentful about it and says it would have been even worse if I called OW's spouse.

So now I am waiting for him to decide if I in fact made her make a decision she would not have otherwise. I think he still feels he could eventually have made her fall for him, too. He says he still loves me, but it's obvious he would rather "be" with her.

The bottom line is, you never know how the OS is going to react upon contact. It's very possible she could go to WS about it and if WS finds out about such contacts it could drive a wedge between you.

And going to OW's spouse could actually make things easier for WS and OP -- the spouse may remove himself from the picture.