Hi Guys-

Hope all is well in MB land. I got to tell you how good it felt to stick up for myself for the first time in 9 years.

Of course she was hostile after me defending myself. But I assume thats typical.

We are seperated as most of you know and at the advise of many of you to PLAN B and not allow her to get to me, I have simply not been communicating/calling, not taking her phone calls unless about children etc...Well she has got plum hostile with me...calling me leaving me voice mails that call me about every name in the book. Well if we aren't speaking what could I be doing to spark this hostility?

She finally got a hold of me and asked me "What have I done to make you so mad"---I know thats what I call comedy

Well I just said nothing dear. And then she dropped the bomb on Rly that sent me over the edge. She said "Rly it didn't have to be like this"

My reply: "Your damn right it didn't. I know I haven't been perfect but we are in this situation by an endless string of bad decisions, dishonesty, manipulation and deceipt."

Ms Rly, Like I said I know I am not perfect, but I was a great husband like you told me, and I know I am a loving and committed father." --I am just sick of you humiliating me, F!$@%ing me over and taking everything I have, including my dignity." "I am sick of it"--

She starting threatening me right after this. To which I replied "Oh dear, please don't divorce me and fall in the arms of another man, I don't know what I would do."

I know I know...pretty big LB. But gosh dang it...I haven't stood up for myself since this deal started. I felt good.

But why is she so hostile prior to me standing up for myself?

Your thoughts Guys & Gals.

Anyways, just felt good not to be a doormat for once in 3 years.

Rly

Seems like I had a similar conversation last night.

Here is my summary of that conversation:

The Line has been drawn in the sand!!!

Read this excellent post by Mortarman for the scoop on this type of behavior you are seeing: Dance of infidelity....explanation of dynamics of A and recovery

Hope it helps. Way to stick up for yourself.

-Luki

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She starting threatening me right after this. To which I replied "Oh dear, please don't divorce me and fall in the arms of another man, I don't know what I would do."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very funny line. Reminds me of the line where Ross (from Friends) sarcastically portrays devestation after breaking up with Rachel. I'm glad you got some relief (even if it was at the expense of your marriage). I hope it didn't make things unrecoverable. But it's done. In the future, you may consider a calmer, scripted response. Esepcially if you are serious about leaving the door open for reconciliation.

Why is she hostile? The same reasons most WS are hostile after Plan B kicks in. And they're all rooted in lack of self-awareness or consideration for others. (i.e. selfishness). Give a shout if you need something more specific.

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 02:17 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

Hola Rly,

I think it was MotherHubbard (MB oldtimer) that had once stated something close to this regarding WS's angry and hostile reaction to Plan B ...

"afterall, isn't THIS what they wanted? .... to be FREE of the BS, to end the marriage so they can move toward the OP freely, unencumberd"

Almost humorous if all this crap didn't hurt so much, Rly.

WS's are simply experiencing the consequences of their actions, and the anger comes from losing control while they now realize you (BS) are taking control of YOU ... a decision they did not get to make. They want complete control of WHEN and IF the contact stops with the BS. HA!

Jo

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Thanks for the support guys! It truly felt like a weight was lifted off me to finaly have a backbone. I normally am a person with a backbone, but I have been such a weak pathetic human when it came to the A, the behavior post D-Day etc...The overly generous behavior in regards to "taking care of her" financially after the seperation etc...

I was wonderful to stand up for myself if it were a man mistreating me. Because after years of being a jerk a man would eventually get a foot in the a$$. So it felt liberating and peaceful to put the emotional foot in her a$$ so to speak.

Yes, this is anger talking. But its anger at myself to have put up with this as long as I did.

Yet there was a feeling of sadness too. Because I know now I want nothing to do with this selfish & disturbed woman.

We are seperated as most of you know and at the advise of many of you to PLAN B
Are you in Plan B? Did you send a Plan B letter because if you didn’t, then it is not Plan B. It is simply Plan not communicate with her.

I have simply not been communicating/calling, not taking her phone calls unless about children etc...Well she has got plum hostile with me...calling me leaving me voice mails that call me about every name in the book.
The main part of Plan B is not communicating. This includes NOT even listening to her voicemails and messages nor reading any emails or letters.

Chris-

Thanks for the definition of Plan B. But since I have 3 precious daughters, I have to allow a 15 second grace period to make sure my children are ok and that they don't need my help. I have joint custody so there is a certain amount of communication that I must endure. I can set aside my anger for issues related to my children.

So I allow 15 seconds and at second #15 if there is nothing being discussed about my kids and its just FOG than I just cut off the discussion.

Thanks Though Chris!

I agree with Resilient, in that your WW feels she has lost control of you. She got so used to being able to lie, cheat, and manipulate you that when you took your life back and said ENOUGH! she got royally P.O. with you.

But Chris is right. If you are in plan B a letter should have been sent and no contact with her, unless it's related to the children, should be strictly followed.

I can very well understand your outburst feeling good, but by responding to her, she was able to finally push your emotional buttons, and you can bet the farm that she will try a repeat performance from you in the near future as her way trying to reassert control over you. Your silence is your best weapon against her controlling tactics and she WILL eventually realize that they will get her NOTHING from you.

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thanks for the definition of Plan B. But since I have 3 precious daughters, I have to allow a 15 second grace period to make sure my children are ok and that they don't need my help. I have joint custody so there is a certain amount of communication that I must endure.
Okay, but did you send a Plan B letter & explain what you are trying to do? Or does she just think you are ignoring her?

If you did not send a Plan B letter, then no communication is going to seem like you are cutting her off for no reason.

If you are going to Plan B, then you HAVE to send a letter to explain your intentions.

So I allow 15 seconds and at second #15 if there is nothing being discussed about my kids and its just FOG than I just cut off the discussion.
Then stop listening to her voicemails cussing you out.

I can set aside my anger for issues related to my children.
The main reason for going to Plan B is to set aside the hurt and anger.

<small>[ March 29, 2003, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Hi All---

As some of you know I have been trying my hardest to plan b. And I have been sticking up for myself
as this thread indicates.

Then she calls and leaves a voice mail and says "Call me its urgent" So thinking something is wrong with my kids, I call her.

She says "Will you go on a date, this Friday"--Again I am dumbfounded! I didn't give her an answer. What is she trying to do? Should I go after I stood my ground or just say "No thanks I have plans and see if she pursues again."

Your thoughts please...

Chris123--I know, I am not the best plan b guy in the world.

Rly???

Did you send her a Plan B letter? The letter is VERY important. It tells the WS what the BS needs in order to recover the marriage.

It's a love letter of sorts from the BS to the WS letting them know they still love them, desire to recover the marriage and what it will take to do that, and that they take responsibility for their 100% of the 50% of the marriage deterioration.

Your wife is contacting you now because she doesn't like Plan B. She wants contact because you meet a subset of her needs and she doesn't want to lose that. In addition, if you didn't send a Plan B letter, she's not aware of what it will take to contact you. WRITE THE PLAN B LETTER!

Jo

Chris123--I know, I am not the best plan b guy in the world.
No one is and I’m not trying to dog on you. Just trying to help out a bit.

IMPORTANT!
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Did you send a Plan B letter?
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Can you post it here so we can see if it says what It needs to say?

?