I need some independent opinions. My wife and I have been married for 12 years now and we have three kids. We have had our problems along the way, but I feel that we were meant to be together and we are both very much in love.

Since we first got a computer in 1995, our e mails have always been out in the open and we have always shared the same screen name on our ISP. Recently, my wife has gotten new screen names which she has password protected from me. She says that she needs a private place to talk to her girlfriends where she doesn't need to mince her words. She has also, in recent months, leading up to the new screen names begun to spend long hours online late at night. I feel like she is hiding things from me and it is hard for me to understand why she wants this privacy online if she isn't doing anything wrong.

I know that I am a jealous type anyway, and I need to know if this new turn in our marriage is something to worry about or not. I don't want to worry or mistrust her. She has always been above board and completely open with me and this just seems like a departure. What do you folks think?

It's a huge red flag that your W MAY be having an A(affair). There is no reason for privacy in a M(marriage) unless there is the desire by one spouse to hide things from the other, and an A(affair) would certainly qualify as one of them.

Do not get into an argument by demanding an explanation on why she feels the need to hide things from you. It will only make her more defensive and less inclined to reveal the truth. Instead, sit down and calmly explain to her that while you can't prevent her from hiding things from you, that you are hurt deeply by her actions to keep things hidden from you. If she is not doing anything bad, then she may feel badly about her thoughtless actions and open up her secret e-mail to show you that you have nothing to worry about. But if she is doing something terrible like having an online A, then she will get mad and upset with you for doubting her character. So be prepared and don't get angry, or make selfish demands on her, if she gets upset with you.

Please read the Harley books 'His Needs Her Needs';'Love Busters'; and 'Surviving An Affair'.

Sounds ilke a red flag to me!

My husband and I are in recovery, and we do still have separate private email ac counts, separate private computers too actulally - but we also have or can ask for passwords, and read anything on the others commputer.

No point in arguing with her, simply treat her as if she is having an affair and get into Plan A.

This is a classic sign of an affair. How do you think you wife would be acting if the roles were reversed? The chances are great that she is having an internet affair with another man. This is a hugh red flag. You may wish to install spyware on your computer to know for sure but again this is classic of an internet affair.

Jonathan, I would find out what is going on and then proceed from there. You can't really do much unless you have all the facts and it may very well turn out that she is doing nothing.

I have spy software on my H's computer [I dont use it anymore] and it was an enormous help in reassuring me that he was being truthful. The one I use is starr home version at www.iopus.com and it costs $40. I wouldn't suggest using the trial version because it will flash a notice whenever you restart the computer. You want to download it to your computer [don't select the install option when dling or it will not install in invisible] and select install once it is on your computer. Select the invisible version. It is real easy to use and will record all keystrokes, passwords, websites and both sides of chat.

<small>[ March 29, 2003, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Sorry to say this, but I am convinced that your W is having a cyber A. The signs point to classical on-line cheating. I have heard that same drivel and faced the "I need privacy" and "you don't trust me, therefore you are wrong" sort of WS babble.

SB

Hi Jonathan, I'm sorry to say that this exactly how my A began...and progressed from there. You need to help her stop it now, before things get out of hand. Confront her with love...before it gets worse.

Thanks for your replys.

Is there anybody out there who doesn't think she is having an affair? Are there women who sympathize with this need for privacy? Anybody who thinks that having private e mail is a good and reasonable thing in marriage?

<small>[ March 30, 2003, 01:42 AM: Message edited by: jonathan1 ]</small>

Hi again folks,

Well, W and I got into a fight last night and I ended up talking about her private e-mail. She became very angry with me and gave me her password and made me read her e-mails. There was nothing untoward at all. She is very mad and very distant from me now. She feels that I smother her and resents my "being able to see what she is doing 24 hours a day." I shouldn't have said anything.

I still think that private (secret e-mails) are not appropriate and are dangerous in a marriage. I do see, though that I should be secure enough in myself to not want to read her mail or see where she is going online.

She says that I don't trust her and don't care about her. I do care about her. I love her with all of my heart. I want to be less jealous and less suspicious. She has never given me reason to be jealous. I wish this whole thing had never come up. I hate when good things change in our marriage. I often have a hand in bringing them about, but then I usually screw up adjusting to them when they occur.

I am lucky that my wife has stuck with my marriage even when she didn't want to.

Your experience is the reason that I don't advocate making an accusation WITHOUT evidence. First off, it is pure folly to rely on a cheating spouse for truthful information. People are not going to bust themselves. Secondly, you run the risk of accusing an innocent spouse or of doing nothing more than riling up the righteous indignation of a very clever guilty spouse who just erased the evidence. That is why I advocate spy software. You can rule it in or out without having all this mess.

On the other hand, I am still suspicious of your wife. Just because there was nothing incriminating in what she "CHOSE" to show you, does not mean something is not wrong. Now she will just be more clever at hiding it if there is something. You have exposed your hand. I will tell you, though, that people who have nothing to hide, don't hide. Women don't set up secret email accounts from their husbands so they can swap recipes.

Your wife acted more like a guilty spouse with the righteous indignation and the high drama than what one would expect from an innocent spouse. She reacted with almost a casebook guilt so I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss your instincts.

J,

So you showed your hand too early. Melody Lane is right, you have to have some evidence. If your W is innocent of an affair, she will be angry perhaps, but somewhat understanding of your feelings.

If, on the other hand, she is engaged in something, she will act very indignant and be very p****d off with you. Remember she let you see what she wanted you to see and she is using the outcome to send you on a guilt trip. At the same time she is validating her feelings towards you as being smothering, jealous, etc., all bad stuff. There are lots of other signs that point to an A. There are some at this link Signs that your partner may be having an online affair (or even an in person one) . I can tell you that my FWW scored high in nearly every category and she still talked her way out off it because I trusted her and wanted to believe her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I hate when good things change in our marriage. I often have a hand in bringing them about, but then I usually screw up adjusting to them when they occur.

I am lucky that my wife has stuck with my marriage even when she didn't want to. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This tells me that all is not well in the land of J. I am just a newbie, in recovery (good one), but IMHO this is time for Plan A, regardless of there being an A or not. Read the articles and other advice on the site, not only the forum. Get yourself a copy of HNHN and get to work.

If you love your W and wish to not only keep your M but have an even better one, this is the place to start.

Good luck and God Bless, but remember that fools rush in where angels fear to tread...get educated and then act.

SunnyBreaks

When I first asked my wife if she was having a cyber affair, she said "what is that?....I don't even know what that is". She is a very smart woman and that didn't seem quite right.

Jonathan1! I am female and I do not need to hide my emails from my H. There are only two reasons I see for your wife doing this.
She is having an A, or discussing dissatisfaction with her marriage!
Install the spy ware as Melody suggested. Then sit tight and check it frequently without her knowing. She could easily have other emails, my FWH had several he and OW used! Or she could delete all the mails she didn't want you to find just in case.
Your feeling that it's inappropriate is correct. It is! When you have nothing to hide, you hide.
If she needs to talk to her girlfriend privately, have lunch or talk on phone! So you can see where the calls are going to!
I think not one of us here believe she is not having an A. At least cyber and that is how my FWH started his with an old high school sweetheart. Clear across the states and then flew to be together!
If she comes up with a trip she's suddenly needing to get away with friends, RED FLAG again!
Sorry to have you hear all here think this. But it's no good sign. Do the snooping secretly! BTW, if you try, you can usually crack their passwords! you know the answers to their secret ? usually! I've done it. Otherwise you will push her to hide even more cleverly!
God bless, LouLou

My advice is to take the computer and give it away to some school to use. That way this whole email fiasco will be ended. Instead of going off into cyberspace why don't both of you make a date 2X a week to spend time together or find a hobby that both of you can enjoy. Make her look forward to spending time with you by doing something romantic. The following website may give you some great ideas to make each day more exciting. http://www.lovingyou.com/content/romance/?ID=ideas

thanks ladylou and tomaz

We do a lot together. We live in France and both love exploring small villages. We do this three or four days a week. We have romantic picnics on beautiful hilsides in the french countryside at least twice a week. I can't imagine a life that would be more romantic.

Thnaks for your advice.

All the best,
Jonathan

J,

My first thought was of a wife complaining to her girlfriends about your marriage. I know it has been a weakness of mine, so it was the first thing I suspected.

MJ

Mary Janes,

Thank you. Do you think she would feel a need to do that secretly? She was and still is furious about my objection to private e-mail. She gave me her password but that terrible distance that comes between us sometimes is back since and she hasn't touched me for two days. What do you think?

My FWH started his A's as cyber relationships. Your W's behaviour seems to indicate the same thing. I'm not saying she is having an A. What I am saying is her recent behaviours mirror the signs of someone being involved in an online A. Even her defensiveness and indignation at being approached for an honest answer are signs. Instead of being hostile most would realize the behaviour was destructive, suspicious and would stop doing it. She wants you to doubt yourself and what you're feeling. If I've learned anything from my experience it's to go with my "gut feeling".

My suggestion, get more proof, as suggested by someone else. If she is involved in an A, all you've down at this point is forced her to hide it better. If she's not involved with someone else then the two of you really need to discuss what are acceptable boundaries in your M and why.