My husband moved out in November - out of the blue! We had some conflict, but I had no idea that it was at such a serious point. He had been becoming more depressed, more distant.

Since then we tried a stab at counseling. The counselor was ineffective, and we'd found the marriagebuilders site, decided to give that a shot. I began working hard at meeting his needs once I understood them better, although the communication still was not very clear. I began to long for some communication from my husband that he was interested in returning. When I mentioned that, he decided to stop working on MB stuff saying "I was never satisfied".

I went to see him on Sunday. After coming to realize how powerful the depression has a hold on him, I decided I should really stop focussing on getting what I want (him to return) and focus concern on healing the depression. I don't know if this helps; he feels like I am blaming all our problems on him (because of the depression). Our visit on Sunday was very pleasant. I tried to keep things light not to bring him down. I volunteered to schedule an appointment with a psychologist to start working on the depression (he is on medication, but his doctor has done a poor job of follow-up, and I'm not convinced that it's the best drug for him).

THE SHOCKER: on Monday after our pleasant Sunday visit, DH sent me an *email* to tell me he was filing for divorce. What a "not nice" (putting it nicely) way to be informed of such disasterous news!!! I am devastated. I have very patiently been holding out hope.

My counselor tells me that his avoidance has caused his depression, contributed to our marital problems, and convinces him that the marriage is hopeless. He tells me that our marital problems are what causes the depression. I feel so sad that we are throwing away something beautiful because he can't face our problems.

How can I get him to check back in? What works? I know that our problems aren't only him, and that I contributed to the mess, but I'm not being given a chance to address things, to change.

I have considered trying to get his brother involved, to have him to try to talk to him. I'm afraid that he is too protective of DH, though, and not want to "take my side" (not what I want, I think it's to both our benefit to try to make it work). What do you do when you think it's too late? How do you get someone to try again? Is it too late after he has filed? How can you get past depression into a more hopeful state of mind?