I need help and direction..I have posted in the past under Zachsmom, the long and the short of it is this, my husband had an affair last year, I found out, and him not being able to deal with his own guilt/issues he moved out in Sept. So 7 months later, we have maintained an incredible relationship, we have had several discussions about our relationship and this morning as we spoke he admitted that he is afraid to try because he is afraid to fail again. my thought is that we take it slow, because he has some unresolved issues, that he live where he is and i stay here and we work on it that way,until we can get a good feel for our feelings. His problem is because of what he did last year he has questioned our relationship, his feelings, his loyalty, so now he questions everything. He is on his way to counselling, but does anyone have any words of wisdom on things that we can do to start to find each other again. I will say this, we love each other alot, and he has had some money problems etc since he moved out and he said this morning that he thinks about trying again but then he wonders if it is because his life is crap right now (am i the fall back), but he can go on questioning and analyzing and he may never get his answers (Right??)...Any ways, any advice????

D

Hi,

If you look at my signature info, you will see that H and I were separated (at my insistance) and we reconciled within 4 months. It became apparent within weeks of reconciling that I should have kept him at more of a distance for longer; the trust-building that I thought was there was, in reality, another lie. That said, all situations are different, and one of my cautions is to take your time.

As for advice, it was my experience that until H went to IC and then a psychiatrist, put a plan together to get healthy and help my recovery and that of our M, worked the plan consistently for a good period of time (I would suggest longer than 3 months) and agreed to MC, actual reconciliation was pre-mature.

If I had it to do over, I would have gone to MC again before reconciling and I would have waited to see whether his trust-building efforts were solid. And that "questioning and analyzing" has to lessen A WHOLE LOT. In my H's situation, most of that stuff led to his poor choices.

Aside from regular telephone contact, a date-night weekly, regular parenting-together time, and a whole host of trust-enhancing behavior, in addition to what I have already said, I can't think of any other helpful tips.

Good luck,

<small>[ March 31, 2003, 01:29 AM: Message edited by: OneDay ]</small>

Thanks Oneday, believe me, I do have my reservations on what is to come, and the whole trust factor that i why i want to take it slow...I appreciate your feedback, and hope things work out well for you...

Looking for any advice that might be out there...