- MARRIAGE 911 By Julie Baumgardner
It was an all too familiar conversation. Jody* went to see a marriage counselor hoping to receive guidance to help get her marriage back on track. "After seeing the counselor twice, he told us, 'You have three choices. You can separate for a period of time, file for divorce or keep on working,'" said Jody. "We were looking for someone to work with us on a specific plan for our marriage. Instead, we got a totally neutral counselor who didn't seem to care whether or not our marriage survived. We weren't neutral about wanting to save our marriage, he was."
According to Dr. Willard Harley, psychologist and author of numerous books including the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs, this is not unusual. During one woman's first visit with a therapist, she specifically said that divorce was not an option. However, at the end of the session the therapist told her he thought she really needed to consider divorce. This, is spite of the fact that there was no violence in the marriage, just love gone cold.
"People who seek help from marriage counselors usually assume that the goal of therapy is saving the marriage," said Dr. Harley. "Unfortunately, most marital therapists are specifically trained to be nondirective or neutral. They see themselves as someone couples can talk to, but not someone who will coach them into changes that will ultimately save their marriage." A recent Consumer's Report study indicated that only 16 percent of those who seek marital counseling find it to be helpful, the lowest of all forms of therapy. Dr. Harley attributes that low level of success to the abundance of counselors who use non-directive methods. "How can a plan possibly achieve it's goal when there is no goal?" asks Dr. Harley. "It's no wonder that most marriage counseling is so ineffective." This does not mean that couples should not seek help. In fact, Dr. Harley encourages couples in trouble to find a marriage counselor to help save their marriage.
"Couples need to understand that there are times in even the strongest of marriages when you need additional support and motivation that frequently only a professional marriage counselor or marriage educator can provide," said Dr. Harley. "An effective marriage counselor or educator will help you avoid or overcome intense emotional trauma associated with a failing marriage, create a plan that will help you're your marriage and motivate you to complete that plan." Whether your marriage is in significant distress or just needs some assistance in getting through a tough time, Dr. Harley believes that couples should know how to pick an effective marriage counselor. Before they set up their first appointment, they should ask the counselor certain questions to make sure he will help them accomplish their goals of making their marriage mutually fulfilling. Dr. Harley suggests that couples do the following before choosing a marriage counselor:
Ask to schedule a phone interview with the counselor. (10-15 minutes) If the counselor is not willing to have an initial conversation with you over the phone, eliminate that counselor from consideration. During the interview you should ask about the following:
1. What is your goal for our marriage? (Answer: To help you both achieve marital fulfillment, and save your marriage).
2. What are your credentials and years of experience in marriage counseling? (Answer: a graduate degree in mental health (M.A. or Ph.D in Psychology or Social Work, with clinical supervision in marriage counseling).
3. This is our problem (briefly explain). Do you have experience helping couples overcome that problem, and what is your success rate? (Answer: Experience helping couples overcome that particular problem with over 75% success).
After both spouses have an opportunity to speak to a few marriage counselors, Dr. Harley suggests choosing the one that answers those questions appropriately. Then set up your first appointment. Jody* and her husband ultimately made the decision to divorce. Looking back at the whole scenario, they question if divorce should have even been an option. At the time, they both felt hopeless about their marriage, and without a plan for it's recovery, divorce seemed to be the only answer. If the counselor had encouraged them to save their marriage by giving them a plan, they might be happily married today. They will always wonder if another, more encouraging, counselor would have helped change the course of their lives and the lives of their children.
Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, a research and advocacy organization dedicated to strengthening families through education, collaboration and mobilization. She can be reached at julieb@firstthings.org
