My first time here for help.

I hope that I am not being too explicit, but there is no other way to describe my problem.

I just found our about 3 OM with whom my wife has had affairs over the last few years.

Also that one of them might actually be the father of my son - more than likely as at the time we did not have relations that often (only once around conception date, because I was away, where she was apparently with OM most days and having sex many times during each meeting)

Devastated by the broken trust, lies, cheating etc., and the embarrassment that I did not believe people when they told me ... believed her reasons for staying out all night with a sick friend etc.

I asked her why she did it and she has told me that the first time with each OM she was drunk. Later she told me that sex was so good with these men that she carried the A's on, even though she knew they were just using her.

I asked her what I was/am doing/not doing that she needs sex elsewhere, pushing her for details.

We were very active for many years (married 15) but she has not really been interested in me for a long time .. making love only when drunk or if I have been away (even though one OM was with her the night before and after i came home)

She tells me that most of them could do it 3-4 times in a row and this was great. It is a long time since we did this as she usually rolls over to sleep after once.

She has always made excuses for repeat performances ... "tired, early start for work, sore, sex was so good that she cannot manage any more etc." Initially she would sleep and wake me for more or the following morning.

She always has orgasms when we have sex and assures me that they have always been genuine.

I asked her about my size ... she has always complimented me on my performance, telling me that size is not important and what you actually do with it is.

She told me that all the OM were considerably bigger than me, but when I asked her if this was why she has gone off sex with me she would not answer.

I asked her if there were any new things she had done and gave her the opportunity to tell me ... better to get hurt now and try to change than lose her to yet another man.

She says that she will not do it again but I am worried that as she will not tell me how to satisfy her, she will stray again.

We had sex a few nights ago and she said that she was sore and could not do it again - this caused a row ("you didn't say no to them, if he was here you would go all night etc.") and she is now completely rejecting me.

I have known women in the past who say size is not important and then say "the hell it is !"

I have asked her if it is the excitement of affairs, if we can do anything to change things etc., but no answer.

As I told her, if I am now too small for her there is nothing I can do, but at least she could eliminate this fear so that I can try other things to help her.

No answer.

I know that she has used sex toys when I am not home and wonder if this was the start of her "big desires".

She told me at the start of our relationship that I was perfect for her as she had tried sex with well-endowed men and it was painful and unexciting ... much preferred the gentle touch.

I know the latest OM and have warned him off, threatening to tell his wife. My wife tells me that it is over and she stays in now so she is probably telling the truth.

Am I wasting my time trying to mend our marriage if I cannot satisfay her now that she has had better ?
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No, you are NOT wasting your time....

You are in the right place to help you understand, heal, work on recovery, and most importantly heal some of your pain.

Your W is suffering form an addiction called an A. There are many voids in her that she has never faced and she is turning to other men (OM) to fill the emptiness that is inside of her. I know this because I was a WP (waward party) too. Generally the situations are all different, but the behaviors and emotions are the same.

If you haven't already, I suggest that you read WAT's guide to the Ws. I will bump it so you can find it easily....

Many will be here soon to guide you and help you.

I'm sorry that you had to be here, but welcome to MB!! It will change your life for the better.

hello Totally Falling Apart. first off I'm not a counselor just a person with an opinion.
I want to start by saying that no matter what your wife says size doesn't matter. really it doesn't and thats a fact.
some people have psychological problems that they use sex to fullfill. it's not really the sex they want but the feeling of being wanted.
have you asked your wife to go for marriage counseling? if she won't go you can go alone but I think counseling will really help you deal with her issues.
I'm sorry you're hurting but don't feel as you said that you aren't good enough, big enough or that she has had better.
I wish I could offer more help but I really think the best advice is counseling for both of you. I'm sorry you're hurting. keep posting here and maybe you can get some better understanding about your situation. but stop blaming yourself and feeling inadequate. i can assure you that the problem really isn't you.

As a FBH(former betrayed husband) I know exactly the pain you are going thru (my ex-W also had multiple A's with many men). In the beginning, after d-day(discovery day) I felt totally worthless as a man, but later on I discovered that the problem wasn't in me but in her. My(marriage) was unsalvageable, not because of my not wanting to save it, but because she was so thoroughly addicted that she refused to change (I hope this is not the case with your W).

The fact that you are here posting makes me assume that you WANT to save your M and rebuild it. We can be a great support group because we know your pain and can help ease some it by sharing some our stories, BUT we are NOT professional counselors. Both you and your W(wife) need the services of a professional trained in the healing and rebuilding of M's(marriages), such as Steve Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers from Marriage Builders Counseling Center , and Penny Tuppi (from Save Your Marriage Central. I would also suggest that you read How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor.

Above all, DO NOT make the mistake that a lot of couples make when they decide to stay together after an A(affair) and sweep the A under the rug pretend it was all a bad dream (it doesn't work). Things will not change unless BOTH of you are committed to changing them and follow a marital recovery plan from a marriage building professional.

TFA,

I am sorry you are in so much pain. You are not alone. You have friends here that want to help.

Ditto for what Kily has to say. Attempting to repair your marriage is not a waste of time. You have nothing to lose by trying. Get professional help now. Read, listen, and learn. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" was the very first book I read. It was a huge help. Be smart and be diligent.

As hard as it may be, do your best to be respectfull, be prepared to enforce any boundaries that you may set (set reasonable boundaries), and try to minimize the outbursts.

TFA, you have a very unique opportunity here to build something better. Reflect on your motives for every action you take from this point forward. Try your best to invite your wife back into your marriage. Lead the way and show her that you still love her. Please go see a therapist now.

Your Friend.