startman,

I liked your plan to tell the kids the truth before sending them over to the OM's.

Kids are not stupid and they know theings arent right. You earn their trust by not covering up and pretending - they will see thru it.

I tiold my kids, not because i wante dto burden them, but because i felt they had the right to understan what was going on in THEIR lives.

I can't tell you how harmful it is to kids to have their lives turned upside down,and mom and dad saying that everythings fine or ok. How are they going to trust you in the future?

Besides, if you teach them that adultery is wrong, and then cover up for mom's affair...what does that say?

BR:

"(3/03) Please excuse my typos. My eyesight is recovering after a stroke and I can't always see my mistakes."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You okay???

-ol' Qfwfq

<small>[ April 04, 2003, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: Qfwfq ]</small>

Q ~

More or less, tho my driving and my reading could use some improvement! See Susan's thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=023318#000001

Thanks for asking:)

I just found out some interesting news. My wife has been spending a lot of time away from the house since her and the OM had their fight. Since she told me that she could not stop seeing him right now I assumed that she was spending a lot of her time with him. The only thing that was confusing me is the fact that she is ending up here every night. I couldn't figure out what was going on. Well a mutual friend of ours stopped by and told me that the woman the OM brought to his house to teach my wife a lesson is still living there! Now I know why my wife's mood hasn't changed much since last week. Is that sweet or what? I know I shouldn't get any pleasure out of this but I'm only human, right? She's been spending her time with another friend who is in as messed up a relationship as she is. I guess misery loves company.

One of the reasons my wife brought the kid thing up again is because this woman is an ex-girlfriend and has a daughter that the OM says he just loves to spend time with. He's really rubbing her face in it. Now it's very clear to me. My wife's options have been wittled down to ending it here completely so she can start bringing the kids over there, or the OM is going to keep on doing what he's doing. She doesn't seem to have anymore choices left. That's why she begged me for another month to figure things out. This will be fascinating to watch play out.

starman:

"My wife's options have been wittled down to ending it here completely so she can start bringing the kids over there, or the OM is going to keep on doing what he's doing. "

Your W will really make a jump on the evolutionary ladder when she realizes that the OM *IS* going to keep on doing what he's doing (using M'd women or single mom's for his own selfish pleasure) as long as there are women like her and this old GF that are all too willing to let him.

-Qfwfq

One of the reasons my wife brought the kid thing up again is because this woman is an ex-girlfriend and has a daughter that the OM says he just loves to spend time with. He's really rubbing her face in it. Now it's very clear to me. My wife's options have been wittled down to ending it here completely so she can start bringing the kids over there, or the OM is going to keep on doing what he's doing

wow... Starman , promise me something , you will do whatever it takes to keep your children away from this man.

it seems extremely strange to me a man would go to these extreme lenghs to encourage your wife to bring your children into his home... i got alarm bells going off everywhere. I am definatley a little more cynical than most due to my childhood experiences... but I had to say something.

Very interesting, Starman. I can see your wife struggling to come out of the fog. She is still in it...but is looking around now and not liking what she is seeing. I saw that in my wife in mid-January. As of 11 days ago, she is now home and OM is gone for good.

What I am saying is...stay the course. You are doing EXTREMELY well. In fact, it almost isnt fair. The OM is LBing all over the place. Your wife is going through extreme emotional turmoil And all you have to do is sit back, be yourself...and watch the show! I know...that is sort of sadistic. But look, for so long in the affair, it is the BS that feels he/she has no power...that things are spinning out of control. But when things reach the point where yours appears to be, the momentum starts to change. All of a sudden, the OM is pulling out all the stupid LBs in order to save their relationship. And now, your wife is looking at him and wondering why she is still there. You have now almost assumed the role of the OM. Use it. Do what he did...be there, comfort her...try to ignore the fact that the relationship might still be continuing. it is in its death throes now. What you do over the next 6 weeks, in my estimation, will make ALL the difference. Keep doing what you are doing. The end is near.

And in the end, your wife will walk out of the fog and see a man...YOU...in a new light. And her admiration and respect for you will grow to a point that you never thought possible.

You are close now. Dont worry about the OM. Like Saddam Hussein, the OM's days are numbered. It is now not a question of IF, but a question of WHEN!

In His arms.

I thought I would update everyone on my counseling session with Steve Harley today in hopes it might help someone understand their situation better.

I updated him on all that has happened. He was in total agreement about how I handled the situation with the kids. We talked all about how my wife is behaving. He explained to me at length about how much an A is like any other kind of addiction. It is amazing how similar they are. It helps to keep your perspective and realize that the WS in a lot of cases is sick in a way. When they are behaving like mine it is clear that they know somewhere inside of them how destructive their behavior is but are unable to stop themselves. I told him how surprised she seemed to be that the OM dumping her had hit her as hard as it did and she has become totally self-centered again. Our D birthday was Monday and my wife stayed for half an hour and rushed out of the house. I knew she wasn't going to be with OM but it didn't matter. She made all these excuses on why she had to go and got out of here as quickly as possible. Steve said that inside she is totally out of control and has no idea what's going on. He said that I must be in control of the kids while she is like this because you can't count on her to make any rational decisions. He wants me to continue in plan A for a couple more weeks and get ready in my head for the day I ask her to leave the house completely. He said I must look at her as a child and not someone to treat as an equal because that is the level she is on right now. At the end of the session he reminded me that I am now the one in control of the situation and I must be careful in how I approach her. I have managed to get to the point where the big decisions about us and our family are on her shoulders and I need to keep it that way.

A couple of other points: It's okay every so often to remind the WS that the only way you are going to see an improvement in your relationship is if you have a plan to work on to make it better. Also in my situation with the kids he said it is preferable to have some actual information to show the WS how detrimental something like putting the kids into the middle of an affair can be as opposed to just telling her what I found out. He said they will want to see it as trying to educate them either way but it's hard to argue with the actual evidence sitting right in front of them.