How do you know if your spouse is a sex addict. Just a month into our marriage my husband was enjoying a night of flirtation - dumped his new wife - with a slutty hairdresser who was saying "my banker, my banker..." running her hands through his hair. It was gambling night at a chamber party, they sat together. I was so irked by it. Then he joined softball and I didn't go to a number of games. A bimbo walked in front of my husband wiggling her big fat as# and asked if he was going to some bar with them, ignoring the wife. My husband on the way home said let's not go. OF course I made him go, since before he had told me it was only "married' people and guys after the games. OF course it was mostly single young women. After some drinks he came home and stated, "you sure ruined that, she didn't really think I was married and now she knows how old I am." Then he mumbled, "well, it wouldn't have worked anyways...." She was 20 years or more his junior, he's 46. What a JERK! I hit the button, you blankity blank... Then I checked his computer while he was gone that weekend, and drawers -- this is only 8 months into our marriage mind you -- and I found notes about porn sites, websites with porn/escort services, and when I forced him to show me his email he had corresponded with a single woman in our "new town" saying he was new and was excited to meet other "singles." From there I got on my computer and found his "singles" profile. He lied, said he was 5 years younger then he was, was looking for a "commitment" and a wife to "cherish." "Honesty" was one of the important traits he was looking for. And he had a CAT and FISH - my cat and my fish by the way. From some things he said I could tell that it was while we were married. He later asked how I could interpret any of this as cheating. REALLY. Then I got his cell records, that were under his name, which I wasn't supposed to have access to - an employee screwed up and found 8 months of calls to some woman in the town he lived in when we were dating "exclusively" and he wanted no one but me... REALLY. He claims she was "just a friend" of course, but he called her on his way, while he was there and on his way back from ballgames with "the boys." Anyways some shrink asked if he quit all of this - he was going to go down the road of "sex addict" - but how the hell am I supposed to REALLY know. I married an honest, conservative banker and I had no idea he was like this. That we dated three years long distance makes it worse, I have no clue what he was doing then let alone in our marriage. I know I was wrong - the emotional bank stuff on this site - I was far too into my business and hobbies... BUT, this is pretty psycho for a man that I saw as the honest boy next door. I didn't see any signs of this until I married him - he was always home when I called, but now I remember "I'm busy , call you later" all the time. Was the chick he was calling a FU#$ buddy? That's the term for those who are convenient that you sleep with, but know you won't marry. He says this young woman was 20 years his junior and they knew there was too much of an age gap -- but somehow they had to get to know each other very well for the 4-5 times per day calls to her, most short 1-2 minutes, either cues for her to call him at his toll free number at work or what? He said she called him back all the time, but the talks were short, only 5 minutes. REALLY he says she was a christian and is so conservative, there was no spark between them... I don't know what to believe, my anger got the best of me and after 10 months of not knowing, not believing that he's quit this, I moved out for space/healing time. I wish I could forgive and have a "normal" marriage. Really I do, but what is a sex addict and how would I or a counselor know if he's one? He's been married twice before me and one friend once said at a wedding, "the only problem with (my husband to be) is that he likes variety." He had just left a woman that he'd lived with for five years, it was a disfunctional relationship, they wound up living in separate parts of the house. And the marriage before that was disfunctional too. What freaks me out the most is the note in his drawer on www.marriedbutlooking.com. REALLY, that's the name of an escort site with married women who will screw your husband "descreetly" when they are out of town, just $200-300 for this "service." The thought of my husband having done that when we were dating or married grosses me out to the max. That is an image that will never leave my mind. My husband claims this and other porn sites - I found others by looking in his computer "trash" as he deleted them but forgot to empty the trash (all bookmarked during our marriage by the way) - was just looking at pictures. I got his visa records, it doesn't show anything wierd, but being a banker of course he can have visa's that he hides. I didn't check a credit report to see... there were huge cash withdraws though when he wen to "ballgames" and he ALWAYS uses his credit cards when gasing up, going out to eat - like $300 or so. This has been my two years of "married life" - wouldn't call it marital bliss would ya?

JordanP -

Oh yeah, he sounds like he's hooked. Downloading porn, visiting escort sites, etc. Sounds like a classic sex addict. Reminds me of me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I think the first challenge here is getting him to admit he has a problem. This took me a long time. If he would do it, have him read the boards here and at other "survive affairs" websites. When I read the postings of people who had been cheated on, and realized how much PAIN they were in, that started me thinking that maybe sneaking off to have sex with a prostitute wasn't such a brilliant idea.

I am currently working over the phone with Cerri, who posts here sometimes, and has her own website, ( http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com ). Cerri has been researching sexual addiction and how it affects relationships, and went thru what you're going thru, (her hubby was a sex addict), so if you decide to work with her I think it would really help you.

Sexual addiction issues are different than affairs because we, (the sex addicts), tend to have very short flings with many partners, and we have some other problems, (pornography, for example), that may not be an issue in a "normal" affair. (Which raises the question, is there such a thing as a "normal" affair.) Because of this I think sexual addiction problems are best handled by people who are studying that form of behavior.

This is your hubby's problem to wrestle with, and like an alcoholic, he is going to have to change his life around, and seek lots of help/support if he is to beat it. It really, really is difficult, let me tell you! (I spent most of the day yesterday fighting off the urge to go to a brothel, and I'm supposed to be in recovery!)

Good luck to both of you! I hope you two become a success story.

Well, you are a doofus aren't you? Yes, I'm not just dealing with "an affair" - it's porn, emailing women, single sites and espcort sites. Ever seen the one marriedbutlooking.com or did I give you a new "service"? My husband had notes in his drawer of a woman in Phoenix, AZ where he took a trip when we were dating. Oh my gosh, I am horrified at the thought of THAT. Was he doing THAT when he was out of town on trips to "ballgames" with "the boys?" And how about the singles site, saying he was 5 years younger then he was? Was he intending to meet some women, obviously that wasn't a man looking for a relationship in case we got divorced as he was lying about his age - everything else in there was mostly true except, hey, he wasn't "divorced" and he hadn't "learned" enough from past relationships to be a better man the next time around as he claimed. And the part of his wanting a "committed" relationship? Duh, doesn't every woman want to hear that one? I only found that site because of an email he had to a woman... "I'm new to town and looking to meet other singles..." Yeah, new to town, recently married, just walked down the isle of a wedding that my new wife's family spent a fortune on.

You are right, he has no clue how much PAIN this has caused me. Before I moved out I was in tears, he said in a harsh tone "you've had enough time to deal with this now get on with it!" NO I haven't had enough time, I married a conservative, honest looking banker. Someone who stayed at home, did gardening, wasn't interested in dating "anyone but me." And I've seen him flirt with bimbos right in front of me, email them, call them and god knows if he met an escort and paid for sex. That defies reasoning... I can't even handle the thought of it. If only I hadn't found the name of an escort I might have been able to stay and deal with this -- but an escort, that's a HOOKER, my husband had the name of a HOOKER in his drawers, in our house. Oh my god!

When did this start with you? Why on earth should I stay and deal with my husband's problems? They are sick, gross and demeaning. He does't even know how I correlate all of this to cheating. He's this stupid... No emotions, no remorse, nothing. Right now I think he can go deal with his own issues WITHOUT ME, and when he heals from this crap, and if I'm still around MAYBE I'll think about seeing him. But right now I just want my space, I married a real son of a bit#$ and I've been insulted enough.

JordanP:

I too, married a sex addict. And it's been one he!! of a roller coaster ride, to say the least.

Right now, you are very hurt, angry, scared, ashamed, appauled, humiliated, and in shock. And no one could blame you for those feelings. I am sure, that is why you talked down to doofus, and I'm sure he has it in him to forgive you too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (Just remember Jordan, he is NOT your H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

I'll tell you one HUGE difference between doofus and your H (and my H for that matter).... doofus is AWARE HE HAS A PROBLEM. Our H's, are not... or if they are, they won't (or can't?) even admit it to anyone. And before any kind of recovery can take place, that is where it all has to start.

Jordan, it would do you good to research sexual addiction, if anything, to ease your mind about your role (if any) in all of this.

A great book to start with is, "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. This book is what most SA groups work with (12 step programs). But it is also a great read for non SA's, b/c it increase the understanding of what is going on.

In the meantime, please continue to vent it out on here. This is a wonderful tool for that purpose. And there are a fair number of us on here who can totally relate to your situation. Hopefully more will post when they are able.

Karen

For what it's worth, my husband's porn problem -- a comparatively mild one -- surfaced in December 2001. He'd been giving credit card nos. for "free" trials and setting up email accounts to receive porn. A bookmarked site: www.12thgradesex.com -- reassuring if you have a teenage daughter. First filter a month later. I found out he'd been breaking the filter some months later. Second filter, Nov. 2002. His affair began within two weeks afterwards.

Can't help but think there's a connection.

I'm so sorry I didn't mean to "talk down" to doofus. I was making a joke, "you really are a doofus", but we are all hurting if we are here, it wasn't funny. You are right, he is admitting he has a problem UNLIKE my "clean cut, honest, boy next door husband" who blames it all on me driving him to this. This obviously went on long before me so I have a hell of a problem with taking the blame for porn, escorts, other women... jeeze, he had to "do something" when we were dating long distance, is his answer. What does "something" mean? I don't have a clue other then I know I found notes on escorts, singles sites and porn... I had no clue. I didn't see any signs of this other then once I called him and there were girls giggling in the background that he said were local bimbos from his softball team years ago - when we were long distance. It seemed like he was home most of the time when I called so I thought nothing. Of course I wouldn't know how many of his business meetings were really that, or how often work really kept him late, or if he was really playing softball back then. He just doesn't seem like the type, I'd think I would have seen something to warn me of this. I searched his house as a girlfriend would, never even saw a playboy. He says the porn on the internet was just because he was "bored." It's true that I was working on my computer late at night for my business, he was bored and maybe that was a fleeting fancy. He says he hasn't done it since, he's even "asked" before he got on his computer most the time in the past 8 months. I don't think he was doing it anymore and the bookmarks do show that it was a limited period of time, other then the singles site which he started when we broke up several times while dating long distance. He updated it after a fight we had while married, and I was rude enough to tell him the marriage might not work out in the end... Yes, I said that many times. He was driving me crazy with his controlling behavior. So he went to porn, emailing and calling some chick instead of a shrink. A shrink said "maybe" it could be sexual addiction, he asked if I saw any further signs of this.. I REALLY hadn't and to my knowledge he wasn't calling his "just a friend" anymore either. Nor was he talking to / flirting with women. Someone said that in a first year of marriage a guy can be used to flirting that he doesn't totally realize... duh.. that he "can't do this anymore." Sometimes I think my husband was just that stupid... but by the time he caught on I was already offended and was pushing him away like crazy.

Doofus, I'm sorry. I read your post somewhere else about what women can do for their men to prevent porn and I thought it was insightful. I didn't mean to point a finger at you, was joking about your "name" and I appreciate the male viewpoint, REALLY. I'm sure many women do. And you are so brave to admit you have a problem. I found the website you gave me and emailed the counselor there as well. She had some really good articles there. I am considering that my husband is "addicted" and I'm not so sure he is, nor is the shrink we've been going to.

I got this mind trip from counselors about whether or not it was an "addiction." In exasperation, I finally said, "You can call it a butternut squash if you want to. It's something that he's putting ahead of his marriage. What do I care what you call it? Who in their right mind would give up a marriage for this stuff?" It's weird how they play all these word games on you.

"Well, you are a doofus aren't you?"

Guilty as charged!

I hope Cerri can help you get a better understanding of this mess. I think she is currently away from home at a conference, so it may be a few days before she gets back in touch with you.

doofus,

Hi-I don;t know if you've ever read my posts before, but I have a stbxh who was heavily into porn. He used to go on every second he could sneak it past me, and mostly chat in live stream video sites with other people in there.
He'd jump b/w saying he was single..to divorced...to saying that either I would join or that I wouldn;t be gay and that was his excuse for looking. He'd get phone numbers, look up discreet affairs in personal ads, beg for phone sex..and the breaking point came when I caught him make a sex date for some random woman who'd be visiting town on a day I worked the following weekend.

Anyway-- I guess I am wondering about your story.. like how you got involved...why it got worse (if that's the case)/what triggered you to do it...did you wife know and how long did she tolerate it/what did she do about it...what effect did that have on you?...what do you wish she would have done...and what changed your mind? And how did you go about changing?

Did you blame her or consider her to be controlling or judgemental if she got mad at you?

I am sorry to be so nosy, but if you are willing..I think your answers to these questions would signifigantly help myself, as well as many of the other bs's in this situation come to terms with what happened. Thank you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and congrats to you for fighting off that urge-- it shows you have truly develpoed some charecter and integrity. Good for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ April 03, 2003, 01:11 PM: Message edited by: Epiph0ny ]</small>

Epiphony -

I think I have always been this way. Part of it may have to do with not having sisters, not growing up with girl friends, and forming an image of women as an "other" to have sex with, rather than as fellow human beings. (My first sexual experience when I was a teenager was with a prostitute.)

I've always liked porn, but the social SHAME attached to it has kept me somewhat in check. However, the internet has been a huge enabler for someone like me to get my "fix" in the privacy of my own home, without anyone else knowing.

With regard to prostitutes, the internet has been an ENORMOUS enabler. It is very easy now to hook up with a prostitute, or just a woman who wants to have sex.

There are two other factors:
1. The sex industry's attempt to portray itself as just another "profession" selling another "product" - an attempt to deflect society's ban on sex-for-money.
2. In my profession, (I'm a computer geek), I meet lots of guys like myself, particularly big-buck guys who are working away from home. Nothing like knowing someone else does it too to make a behavior seem legitimate.

Two things made me realize I needed to change me ways:
1. I was getting to the point of paying for two hand-jobs a week, and it was starting to affect my relationship with my wife, physically and emotionally.
2. I read the stories on this and other boards about betrayed spouses, and I knew I didn't want to hurt my wife the way I have seen other spouses hurt.

I'm trying to change my behavior, but it is very, very difficult. I still sneak a peek at porn every now and then, watch garbage on TV, and steal my wife's Victoria's Secret catalogs. Pretty sorry behavior for a grown man!

I wish I could just take a pill and **Poof!** all my sexual cravings would be manageable. But that ain't gonna happen, and so I struggle with this stupid problem every day.

More Doofus babbling .....

As for what my wife could have done, well, basically nothing. This is my problem, not hers.

It's like being married to an alcoholic. She can help me by not bringing porn into the house, but that has never been a problem anyway, as she hates porn, and when I have it I have to hide it from her. But ultimately I have to be accountable for my own actions, and succeed or fail on my own efforts.

Doofas or others:

Answer this please: When we married two years ago my husband dumped a bunch of old and new paperwork in built in desk drawers. Most dated back to the three years we dated long distance, I lived three hours from him and in the last year we dated I was busy running three projects for my company and we didn't see each other as much. Anyways he finally asked me to marry him and we both moved to be inbetween so I could keep a part of my business. Anyways the notes on one sheet of paper included a website www.marriedbutlooking.com - of course I was horrified by the name of it, and even more so when I pulled it up. It was married women, who would be "descreet" with men out of town, and you could pay them $200-300 for escort service. He didn't just have the name of the site, he had a name of a woman and a city, Phoenix, AZ, which I think he visited while we were dating because he has a friend there from his growing up days. As you know I also found some porn sites on his computer, after I "caught" him he dumped them in the trash but didn't empty it, thus I could see the sites like www.nookie.com and others that made me want to puke.

BUT what bothers me most is the escort site, my husband said he was just "looking at pictures" and thought of it as looking at Playboy. I asked about the escort service, of course he said he's NEVER paid a woman for sex. Months later in a conversation he said he had "to do something" as he wasn't seeing me often when we were dating. (He was also calling while we were married some "just a friend" that I'm wondering if she was his FU#% buddy now). Tell me, do the notes on the escort site REALLY MEAN that my husband likely emailed, chatted with this woman? And what is the likelihood that he met her and had sex? How addictive is this? Could it have been a one time deal? ALSO, we live in a town of about 80,000 people, do these escorts exists in towns this size? How would I ever know if he met women while he was married to me? A lunch or after work or whatever? Honestly I'm horrified and my mind just goes and goes with possibilities. I don't trust him anymore, it's always in the back of my head and I finally moved out. He said he didn't know why I don't trust him...

You know I could ALMOST handle the porn sites, but an escort site WITH the name of a woman really freaks me out. I pulled up the site and she was no longer on it, so I assume the notes are old. Are you saying it's this easy for men to confidentially use escorts? I looked through his visa and there were cash withdraws when he took trips to "ballgames" and stayed with his guy friends. He always uses his visa to gas up and buy groceries, almost anything. Whenever I went on trips with him he did, he didn't use cash for hardly anything. Perhaps he has other cards I don't know about, I don't have a copy of his credit report.

Also when we were dating I "snooped" around his house, never even saw a Playboy, but you say you "hide" your porn, of course he would have as I was the "nice girl", the type you marry so he wouldn't have wanted me to see "that." I don't know what to think anymore, but you are right it's his problem, not mine... it's just not something I can live with. Your wife is amazing if she can, or any other wife, I just am too sensitive to bear it and I think too much - my mind just goes and goes. I never thought about "this side" of life much before, now I do all the time - cheating, porn, escorts, hookers... it's awful...

Doofas, my husband is the same. Didn't grow up with sisters and he doesn't seem to understand women or our needs AT ALL. I think he's insecure about them, my husband is very successful workwise and is very wealthy, but I think he's insecure about his looks, he's now mid 40s. Do you think this is most common with mid 40s men? Don't you think it has something to do with wives? We used to have great sex dating but once I married him he was very controlling and the sex went to hell. Don't you think he did this in response to not enough sex at home - his "I had to do something" because his wife wasn't having enough sex with him. The preacher that married us warned us that sex is the first thing to go when there is marriage problems.. was he right! I just had no desire for awhile, we were fighting too much. He was verbally hard on me, what does an escort/porn do? Give him instant gratification, what? Ugh.,....

To contact the international headquarters of S-Anon, the 12-step group for the oc-addicts of sexaholics, call 1-615-833-3152. They can send you additional information about this problem and can help you find a group in your area if you feel it would help you.

There is also a group for sexaholics, SA, which, like S-Anon, is founded on the 12-step principles of AA and Al-Anon. Their international headquarters can be reached at 615-331-6230.

Not long ago, these groups were given some coverage by Ann Landers' column. S-Anon was very helpful in my healing.