Against my vehement objections (and the objections of many other family members) my W decided to let her 16 yr old date an 18 yr old boy. Besides the age difference, the kid is a complete loser. Drugs, drinking, partying, never finished high school, doesn’t work, etc. In my W’s warped sense of logic she felt it would do no good to forbid the relationship and that her D would still see this boy behind our backs. I was just flat out against it. The R they had was immature and tumultuous as expected with many arguments and break-ups and make-ups. I will cut to the chase here. Even though the 16 yr old was on the pill, she stopped taking it and got pregnant by this buffoon. My W kept putting off a Preg Test because her D’s cycle is irregular (or she was in denial), so when they finally did go for a test she was 16-17 wks pregnant. Abortion was not an option at this point. So now we move to discussions of adoption. W takes D for an initial meeting with a lawyer, counselor, mediator, and a potential family. But alas, now the D is saying she can’t give it up when she feels it kicking and hears the heartbeat, so now we are back to her just keeping it. That’s the short story to bring us to last night.

Last night we have a family meeting prompted by the middle (and I must say much more mature) daughter. Middle D is saying how lenient mom is with Older D over pregnancy. Admittedly, when we found out about her being pregnant, my W raged through the house declaring all kinds strict rules and punishments, but none of them have come to pass, so Older D is just floating along all happy and proud and still copping a defiant attitude, and is still calling Mr DumFuk everyday, all giggling and happy, as if nothing really life-altering was going on. (He treats her like trash and she doesn’t want to see it….she’s in love with him! Yech!). So now W states how much she disdains the father and that in her mind he doesn’t have the right to see the kid, etc. etc.; then out of the blue comes the statement that puts a look of shock on everyone’s faces: “You’re dad (me) and I will have to adopt the baby so it can be covered on our insurance and he can’t take it away from you.”

Holy S**t! I jumped up and yelled, “There’s no f**king way I’m adopting that baby! It’s not an option!” So W says, “Oh, so I guess we’ll have to pay cash for her medical care then.” And I said “If you want that kid covered on insurance, YOU get a job that has medical benefits and YOU cover it!” She replies “Well my grandchild isn’t going to be on MediCal!” And I ended with “You keep pushing this and you’ll end up alone with just you and your daughter raising that child. Period.” To which she made the asinine statement, “Fine, then I’ll have Richard adopt it with me!” (Richard is her ex-husband, the Older D’s bio-dad, who has no job, and has HepC disability). We were all stunned at the absolute stupidity of that statement. First off, he doesn’t want anything to do with the child. Second, it would be to no benefit other than for legal control. But she is just whacked out over this. Even the 15 yr old said it made no sense at all, so even the 15 yr old can see how messed-up all that was.

This pregnancy, and they way my W is handling it (or not handling it) is just stressing the family out completely. I truly believe that this is the beginning of the end for us if she doesn’t deliver the tough love she promised to dish out on the Older D in this situation. The 16 yr old (now 17) needs to face some pretty harsh realities about caring for this child on her own, but she won’t if her mom is running around trying to be her savior and pretty much take over the child as her own. And I know my W, she will be all over that baby day and night. I personally do not want to raise another child at this stage in my personal and profession life, and I am already preparing to make an exit out of this situation if she goes for adoption on her own.

Any thoughts on this?

<small>[ April 02, 2003, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</small>

Ohh I know the pain you are going through all too well. I am now a grandmother to a child born to a 16 yr old. The pain , the worry and the hole crap we went through the pregnancy.. sleepless nights, preying she would terminate.. after that passed we actually hoped for a spontaneous abortion ( due to an infection she had carried). Then we thought she would consider adoption..but alas a mothers bond to her child won out.. our grandaughter entered the world on december 3 last yr.. a dna.. confirmed her as our sons on march 9th this yr.

This baby is the most gorgeous little short person I have ever had the pleasure to know. The joy she has given my husband and I is beyond words.

Your daughter needs support, she needs your love. her baby when s/he arrives did not ask to be here. Its not the babys fault.

our son does financially support the child, though he has nothing to do with her emotionally. We also help out financially and are giving her the love she deserves.

I know what you mean by no respect for the other parent , in our case , our son contracted an STD from this girl. it proved to be anti-biotic resistant and made its way to his prostrate... 9 months of intenesive treatment followed. The anger I had for this girl was enormous. he has now healed , but he will never forgive the mother.

Its a very sad situation, We have to accept the mother, because she is the mother of someone ohh so important to us. I will never like her, but I will tolerate her for the childs sakes.

I do wish you well working through this. I know it is a hard situation to be in . It happens these teenage pregnancies and its the innocent babies that seems to be the brunt of the anger, when they had no choice at all.

BlindSided...it sounds like a really mind blowing situation. I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to offer some thoughts.

My H and I adopted a wonderful baby boy 4.5 years ago. He has a wonderful life...anything he needs (and most of what he wants!). We don't just shower him with gifts...he gets real, loving, parental attention. He has thrived and he is an amazingly happy, secure, very sure of himself little boy.

We are still in contact with his birthparents (they aren't together). It was VERY HARD for them to decide to give him up for adoption...but they did it because they were willing to see the REALITY that would be his life, and theirs, if they kept him. Both birthparents are glad they did what they did. It probably helps that we all keep in touch and they can see how absolutly happy he is.

On the other hand I have a friend who put her daughter up for adoption when we were both teenagers. I was right there with her just after she had the baby. And yes...being the giggly, life isn't reality, friend...I helped talk her in to keeping her. They've done ok. She got married to a nice (but not extremely bright) guy a few years later. They ended up having another 3 kids together. They have absolutly nothing. Been through one bankruptcy and just lost their house due to the fact they've never paid a dime on it, or the taxes due.

The fact is not that she CAN'T give up the baby, but that she won't. She's thinking purely of herself, with little thought to the true future she's carving out for this child or herself. It's no different than a WS saying I CAN'T give up the OP. The truth is not CAN'T, it's WON'T.

Infertility is rampant where I live. We struggled for 6 years before we got our son. Needless to say it gave us time to mature and gain some financial stability. I don't think bringing children in to the world should be a "by the seat of your pants" kind of deal. We want to adopt another child in the next couple of years...and we have several couples in this area who are on waiting lists for a child as well. These people aren't just anybody...they are wonderful, caring couples who can give a child love and stability. Secure country living...cows and pigs and playing in the mud. Peeing in the yard and not getting arrested for it! Good, wholesome values, clean air, fresh spring water....and so much more.

And I know there are many many other wonderful, caring, stable couples out there who would provide so many more benefits to a child. Contact any adoption agency...maybe get your daughter in to see someone, whether she wants to or not. It's a real tragedy that so many babies are brought in like a new hairstyle....it's fun at first but then you really wish you could just go back to the way things were. Doesn't work that way...and it's terribly traumatic on children when they're given up so much later in their lives.

Anyway, sorry your wife isn't really seeing things very clearly either. I hope things work out. If I can answer any questions or if your daughter might like to speak to our birthmom or someone...we can sure refer her. Take care.

Hope4Future:

Thanks for the wonderful reply. I know that there are always two ways to look at everything. On one hand you think to just accept the child and make the best of it and move on with life, on the other hand you think that there are so many out there in this world that would welcome and love and cherish and provide a good home and better life for the child that adoption is the clear choice.

All I am saying is that with the D's mom making everything so damn easy on her and making it appear as though she has nothing to worry about, that she'll take care of everything, takes the D completely off-the-hook in her responsibility for what she has done (and there's no excuse for this pregnancy) and the burden and stress she has placed upon the whole family; not to mention the low quality of life that this child will endure if she keeps it. To me, both my W and her D are completely self-absorbed in this issue, and I must add one more element to this picture. When my teenage daughter lived with us and was obviously sleeping around, my W made it absolutely clear that under no circumstances would she allow my D to stay in our home if she got knocked-up. No way, no how. So there is a definite double standard that she applies to her own family versus mine. My W's oldest D is 25 and last night even she said to me that she sees hypocrisies and double-standards in her M in many situations from our past, and this current one, that drive her nuts.

All I know is I am tired of living in fear and walking on eggshells. If the W gets nasty enough and tells me to take a hike, I'll call her bluff and take it! The sad thing is in order for the Prego D to get a clear vision of reality, I have to inject a clear does of reality on my W first, because without her backing, nothing will come of it, just as in the past.

Oh, and I did not mention the fact that after our family meeting ended with my blow-up, the W took a shower, got dressed, then left the house for 4 hours and came home at 2am. How mature is that? The 15 yr old and another friend took off in a car looking for her at whatever friend's houses we thought she might have gone to. I asked her the next day where she went and she said she went to the local bar until closing time. 4 hours? Geez. I know my W and she is stubborn as all get out. If she has made up her mind on what SHE wants, she will make sure she gets it by hook or by crook. I don't trust her at all, not her judgments at this time. She has a history of running off and finding people that will support her in what she wants to do, and usually it's some guy that is willing to "save" her from her horrible life!

Well, if she starts maneuvering someone into the picture to do that, I will exit the scene and gladly let the "shining knight" save the damsel in distress! Some of this is venting, but a lot of it is serious. I don't think my W realizes that I am not the same person she married almost 9 yr ago, especially after D-Day. I have gone through so many changes and personal growth and feel so much stronger as a person. I am not taking this one lying down. My voice will be heard. I pray for peace, but will fight if I need to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BS I'm sorry about your latest development with your W and SD.

If you make the decision to end your M, be absolutely sure you are at that point that you have no doubts and you are comfortable with moving on with your life. The last thing you need is to be haunted by doubts after divorce.

I truly hope that your W sees the light before it's too late.

Blind:

I don't know whether this helps or not, but I'm reminded of the Drew Barrymore movie "Riding in Cars with Boys." She hooked up with some loser that got her pregnant when she was a teenager. Spent the rest of the movie living from paycheck to paycheck on dead-end jobs, eventually throwing her H out for dealing, and the son turned out to be a pretty good kid anyway.

The previous posters are right about that aspect of it anyway. This baby deserves the chance to have a happy life, whether with his bio parents, adoptive parents, or you and your W if you both are willing to raise another child. I know my FIL was raised by his grandparents when his mother wouldn't take care of him and gave him up without their knowledge.

Doing something like that at this stage in your life is a HUGE decision, though. One that you and your W absolutely must agree whole-heartedly that you are both willing to do.

I'm so sorry that you're faced with this now, when you seemed to be well on the road to your own recovery.

-Qfwfq

I guess I didnt make myself clear enough, on what we did go through. I can assure you we did everything in our power to convince this girl to consider adoption. We went as far as sending her to a councelor ( she is now our MC)workshops and so forth for expectant teenagers.

But in the end the bond she had with her child won out.Our now MC saw that.

As the old saying goes. Cant change the past so why carry its burdons, if we worry to much of the future, we will never be able to live for the moment. And every moment is worth living. (something like that)

At this moment my grandchild is in her rocker about two feet from me, gooing and gahhing.She is the light of my day.

The decision for her mum to keep her was her decision. It was our decision to offer her as much support as possible to try and ensure a bright future for her. What exactly is the point of letting a child suffer to teach the mother a lesson.. IMHO motherhood is hard whether the mum is 16 or 26...support is necessary at any age.

We will do everything we possibly can for this child. She is here and thats a fact that isn't changing. She deserves our love and support.

dino,

I don't want to leave you the wrong impression...I'm definatly not trying to say that adoption is the best choice...just one that can be a better one in many situations and is unfortunatly more difficult in the short term so is overlooked as even a possibility. I've been haunted by the fact that we have a 15 year old niece who is like a surrogate daughter to us, who at any time could become pregnant. What would we do? I'd love nothing more than to become that childs parent....FOR US...but for the child I think that situation would hugely confusing in the long term.

Life is just full of choices that are rarely black and white, right and wrong...I just absolutely shudder to think of how many CHILDREN are making such childish decisions for babies. Lifetime decisions.

And to be perfectly fair...I was raised in a very screwed up environment and I'm well adjusted, very sane, very together. My childhood wasn't horrible, although it was certainly disfunctional, and there aren't any truly horrible scars. Certainly some holes where real parental love should have been...but we're filling those in over the years by doing things right with our own family. So you can do it all wrong and it can still turn out allright. But I still think young girls need to really HEAR, READ, UNDERSTAND what the children of parents like they will become go through.

BlindSided...I think you're doing the right thing by setting boundries. The mother is obviously acting like a child herself...your daughter so desperatly needs some reality and sense knocked in to her.

I do hope everything turns out ok. Take care.

Hope4 I totally understand what you are saying. The mother of our grandchild is a child herself, and has without a doubt has made a huge decision impacting a lot of people... mostly obviously the child herself...but that impact we have had to turn and manipulate it to a postive impact as best we can....for the childs sakes.

Afterall , no matter how much we look at these teenagers having babies nothing is gunna stop it... its their body and its their choice.
And when and if they make the decision to carry on regardless of what we think ( and yes I can see the selfishness in these decisions.. beleive me the hell we have been through this last yr).. I just cant see the point in pulling back from support because .....there is an innocent party involved.
I dont want to be a the childs mother.. grandmother is just dandy for me. The baby is here often..why.. because her mum is still a child and needs to grow up too. And I am choosing to enjoy and embrace that. ( actually I cant help that she is just too scrumptious)

I have no doubt in my mind, we are in for some yrs full of turmoil and worry ahead of us.. the first one that stikes me is when this girl starts dating again.... hows he going to be with our grandchild??.. ohhh thats a biggy... and it scares the crap out of me..... but in reality all we can do with the decisions already made is deal with stuff as it rocks up and in the meanwhile provide the child with all the love/ support we can muster.

ohh and by the way we have a 15 yr old daughter and a 15 yr old foster daughter.. does it worry us they may misinterpreted the choices we have made in supporting the young mum and her child.. no .. not at all they can see even with all our support, the mum still has to get up in the night , still has all the mundane taskes of motherhood, the mum also has too many strecthmarks to count and well the mum aint running around having a ball everytime they want to shoot off somewhere real quick like teenage girls often do... infact i think the teenage mum cured any thoughts of teenage motherhood for either of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey...can I bring my delightfully 15yr old niece over to strengthen that impression in her as well?!?! I THINK she understands it's not what she wants and what to do to avoid it....yet you can't help but worry worry worry.

And I agree completely...fight it all the way, but if it's done, accept it and do what you can for the child. I'd do the very same. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

TMCM, H4F, DINOTOPIA, & "Q"

Thanks to all for your input and feedback. The W and I have barely spoken since the blowout and she sent the Prego D down to her Aunt & Grandma's place (where the Bio-Dad lives too) for a couple of days or so. I know my W well. When things like this happen she gets into this defiant and self-righteous "F*** Y**" mode and figures she'll get her way about things no matter what. I have heard no apologizes for disappearing for 4 hours, either to myself or to the rest of the family that was worried about her while she was gone. I just know that her wheels are spinning in her head.

Personally, I am not "pushing" for adoption. I am not going to force the SD to give it up then hate me the rest of her life, I just want my W to my my SD take responsibility in this and become as much of an adult in this as she can be. She made the choice, she has to live with the reality of that choice. My sister's older D got Prego at 16, had the child at 17. She finished High School, worked Part-time, got on WIC and State Medical, etc. My niece is taking charge and taking care of her baby completely and not complaining about it. Whether my SD keeps it or not is not the issue here, it's my W rolling out the red carpet for her and making it seem as though she doesn't have to plan for caring for this child at all because her mommy will take care of everything. When faced with that, what child would even consider adopting out?

My W thinks that this will force my SD to grow-up fast and change her attitude and prespective on life. So far it hasn't and it has actually gotten worse. If, and that's if, we forced the adoption more strongly, then THAT would force the SD to make some serious emotional and mental adjustments, but there will not be any real change if her mom is running around wating on her hand and foot all throughout the pregnancy and with the baby after it's born. I want her to make her D take charge of herself and her situation and realize that she has to accomodate and respect our feelings as much as we have to accodomate and respect hers. Right now it's been all one-way.

I'll keep praying and reflecting on this before I do anything drastic. Thanks to all of you once again.

I want her to make her D take charge of herself and her situation and realize that she has to accomodate and respect our feelings as much as we have to accodomate and respect hers. Right now it's been all one-way.

oh I can so empathise with that blind sided. The mother of the girl in our situation.. I swear was estatic at her daughter being pregnant.. when we first discussed the pregnancy with her I wanted to jump the table and strangle her... I could not for the life of me wrap my head around that type of mentality.. I still cant.. I dont think anyone can... the only thing i can come up with is it might be an instinctual sort of thing....kinda of make everything better sort of thing.

if it is any conselation to you, the girl and her mother did appear to wake up once labour hit..there is no dodging that reality... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

haha Hope4, mind if I send them to your place??? I can hav'em packed within minutes!

Blind sided,
I can see your point. I don't blame you at all
for being upset, I have 3 kids so I would be pretty mad if my daughter got pregnant by some loser or one of my sons got a girl pregnant. I think so many of them do that because we make it ok for them ya know? If they had to be responsible
for it, if they didn't always have someone to dump these kids on, if they actually had to work and take care of them, might not happen as often as it does. I don't think your wife has much to worry about Mr Dumfuk wanting to see the kid or
trying to take it away, I don't think she should expect you to adopt it, of course she isn't the best example for her daughters either, staying out half the night. She's showing her kids they can do anything they want and not have to take any responsibilty for their actions. I don't have any advice, I just feel for you in that situation.