A number of triggers have upset me (not caused by WS's present actions) and unfortunately my LB is very low now. I woke up yesterday and had absolutely no feelings in my heart for WS. Reading the posts on this site, I am not surprised by this but am scared by it. My head is telling me that I have stuck it out this far so don’t give up now because there was once a good chemistry between us there can be again if we both work on it.

Is a return to NC Plan B the only hope for preserving my LB balance, or is there any other way of replenishing my LB without deposits from WS?

<small>[ April 05, 2003, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: Newsunrise ]</small>

Before you fall off the bottom of the page without a reply, I'll offer a quick one which is all I have time for at the moment.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Newsunrise:
<strong>Is a return to NC Plan B the only hope for preserving my LB balance, or is there any other way of replenishing my LB without deposits from WS?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes and no.

Thank you WAT. Sorry I have taken so long to get back to you.
My W has just made a big deposit in my LB.

It scares me a little that I am acting out the BS's 'script' just like WS's all seem to have a 'set script' and do and say very similar things. We know from MBers that we shouldn't do certain things but we do especialy when we are supposed to be in Plan B.

At least I am regaining my life and am finally coming to terms with the fact that it is up to me to make myself happy and to understand that my happiness is not dependent upon my W. This has taken a long time but I'm getting there. I would like to make my W happy though, even if it is by showing her that the secret to her own happiness lies within her.

I don't know your whole story, or whether your WS is still in contact with OP, so I am not sure whether plan B is the only way to preserve the love you have left.

Personally, I am at that point. Plan B is the only way I am going to be able to preserve the love I have left for my H. Every further interaction we have with each other lately seems to cause me to like him less and less.

I was very taken with your final remarks:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> At least I am regaining my life and am finally coming to terms with the fact that it is up to me to make myself happy and to understand that my happiness is not dependent upon my W. This has taken a long time but I'm getting there. I would like to make my W happy though, even if it is by showing her that the secret to her own happiness lies within her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, nicely expressed. I think I am still coming to terms with this too. Now if only my H could see the fact that we can only make ourself happy as a logical fact, and not a selfish outlook on life.....

Sorry if I didn't say much that was helpful, but thank-you for the remarks about happiness not being dependent on one's spouse. I needed that reminder.

Jen

Jen

My Plan B was modified out of recognition. I was in full NC Plan B but started talking with my W a month ago to show her the changes I have made in my life. All went well and we have been getting on well together but triggers have been affecting me.

Plan B is scary - it felt like cutting off my right arm. It is necessary if you are losing your love. Even my W says that it showed her how much she had been taking me for granted. I suppose deep down I know the answer to my own question. We do need to preserve the love we have for our spouses and Plan B is the only way to do this if we are getting ground down.

Newsunrise-
I've been in Plan B since early Feb, when I sent the Plan B letter. WH moved in with OW 12/31/02, so perhaps that counts as Plan B also. At first, not having WH around to keep the rollercoaster going was a relief, and it still is. Like you, I've reinforced my knowledge that I can be happy without WH, happiness comes from within. I'm not sure WH realizes this, it may be why he had another A, he's grasping at a fantasy to make him happy. Is that what your WW might be doing?

How long have you been in Plan B? You said that about a month ago you and WW started communicating again. Is she still in contact with OM? It's interesting that she told you she took so much of what you did for her for granted. I guess the danger here is that, with renewed contact with you, your WW will be able to have you in her life again without committing to the marriage. I don't know your sitch, but my WH is a fence-sitting cake-eater. It's not healthy for us BS's to put up with that treatment, so we go to Plan B.

I know what you mean about the good chemistry you once had, and could have again. It seems like such a waste to throw it all away, when most likely the A will end anyway! I think of it like the WS having an adult temper tantrum ("adult" only in the sense of age). I'm curious about the triggers that have sent you to such a low LB toward your WW, especially since your WW's present actions were not the cause. Perhaps having no feelings in your heart for her is a temporary form of self-protection and the feelings are still there, just hidden right now.

Did you put a time limit in your Plan B letter? I didn't, and though I'm not ready to give up, I know that day will come eventually if WH doesn't come around. I trust that I'll know when that day comes. Plan B is tough, but sometimes it's the only way.

Stay strong!
Lablady

Lablady
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Like you, I've reinforced my knowledge that I can be happy without WH, happiness comes from within. I'm not sure WH realizes this, it may be why he had another A, he's grasping at a fantasy to make him happy. Is that what your WW might be doing?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes this is a distinct possibilty, but I do accept my share of the blame for not giving my WW the attention she craved which she went on to find elsewhere.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How long have you been in Plan B? You said that about a month ago you and WW started communicating again. Is she still in contact with OM? It's interesting that she told you she took so much of what you did for her for granted. I guess the danger here is that, with renewed contact with you, your WW will be able to have you in her life again without committing to the marriage. I don't know your sitch, but my WH is a fence-sitting cake-eater. It's not healthy for us BS's to put up with that treatment, so we go to Plan B. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Four and a half months in Plan B. I have no idea at present but they were still in contact a month ago. At this moment in time I am not interested in snooping to find out. As I stated earlier my life goes on regardless but we will not be able to go to recovery unless she proves NC with OM.
WW has been making moves to commit to our M but this came after explaining how I was feeling to her which is not what you should do in Plan B. Probably, I am trying to go back to Plan A with me having improved myself in Plan B yet continuing to live away from our home in order to protect myself from further erosion of my LB. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm curious about the triggers that have sent you to such a low LB toward your WW, especially since your WW's present actions were not the cause. Perhaps having no feelings in your heart for her is a temporary form of self-protection and the feelings are still there, just hidden right now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The big trigger was being told that she had told friends that I did not care when she had a big health scare last year. In actual fact I was devasted but tried hard to reassure her that everything would be OK, fortunately it was. As far as my feelings they may have been transient I am not sure. It did scare me. As I have said I have discussed these feelings with my W and she has made some deposits in my LB.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did you put a time limit in your Plan B letter? I didn't, and though I'm not ready to give up, I know that day will come eventually if WH doesn't come around. I trust that I'll know when that day comes. Plan B is tough, but sometimes it's the only way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I have not put a time limit on Plan B as I live for each day at present and don't think that far into the future anymore. I read on this site that most A's end within 6 months of entering the Public Domain and that 18 months is mentioned in some cases. I also read that it takes 2 months per year of a failed relationship to recover. This gives me 3 years but its meaningless to me as I just try to achieve something positive each day and furthermore I succeed. You are probably right when you say we will know instinctively when and if that time comes, but as you say Plan B is tough and your heart and head screams out that it feels wrong to separate. In your case the decision was out of your hands, but I will never forget waving goodbye to my W and Ss on our doorstep as I left to start Plan B.

Been there still there at times.

Its a very scary process. You go from absolutely horrified/scared perhaps even panick. To angry and depressed. And at times if she is remorseful and wanting to rebuild you feel joy.

But sooner or later you will go numb.

Don't be scared. You would go numb after any extended period in which you were highly emotional. Lose a loved one and you will go through a variety of emotions....but once you are exhausted emotionally you will lose all feelings....good and bad if for no other reason than to let your emotional batteries recharge.

Things can and do get better if both want to work on the marriage....it won't be easy and for every two steps forward don't be shocked by a step back from time to time.

My story:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=009539