I don’t talk to my wife(WS) too often these days. We spoke just yesterday to discuss what we were going to do with our taxes. I wasn’t yelling and I was just talking to her in a normal voice. I just told her that it is a bit odd that I don’t hear from here much at all these days (every two months or so) and now she calls asking for us to file jointly because it would benefit in a higher tax return. She told me this is why I didn’t want to call because you were going to take this the wrong way. She went on in a voice that you could notice she was just frustrated. I don’t think I said anything that wasn’t true nor was I saying it in a mean way. Also she made a comment that she didn’t separate herself from my mom nor me. I think she forgets that she moved out last June.
To my surprise she did ask how work was, how I was doing and so forth. This is the first time she has even really asked about that. I know I can’t take it as much.
So the question I have is why does my wife(WS) talk to me in such a bad way. That she gets all worked up. Is this because she thinks I am just going to say oh what you did is just perfectly ok with me? Why does a WS act that way? Guilt? Cake eater? Etc…..Any thoughts? It is hard to even talk to her now when I know she is going to get like that.

CG<

It sounds to me like you are trying to make her feel guilty and it makes her angry and,no doubt, pushes her away. She didn't contact you all this time because she has left the marriage, not because she wasn't meeting some sort of obligation. She had no obligation to call. Yet you are trying to make her feel guilty for not calling. She is estranged from you, so your expectation that she would call just isn't realistic; it doesn't match the reality of the situation. It just seems to me that she would be more likely to initiate contact if you didn't try and guilt her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just told her that it is a bit odd that I don’t hear from here much at all these days (every two months or so) and now she calls asking for us to file jointly because it would benefit in a higher tax return.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ April 03, 2003, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

MelodyLane.....
I never call my wife(WS), email, etc... When it seems she needs something from me than she calls me. I just find it odd that when she needs something she calls. Why is it wrong for me to say that I don't think it is right for the cake eating to keep happening? I don't make her feel guilty in the sense of oh come home, you cheated on me, etc.. I think I treat her very well and so do others for what she has done to me as a person. I just was being honest with her about her calling for us to file jointly. I could file on my own and get the same return. It will benefit my wife if she files jointly. No offense, but sooner or later my wife is going to have to step up and take responsibility for what she has done. She can't live in a fairytale land for ever....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confused_guy:
<strong>MelodyLane.....
I never call my wife(WS), email, etc... When it seems she needs something from me than she calls me. I just find it odd that when she needs something she calls. Why is it wrong for me to say that I don't think it is right for the cake eating to keep happening? I don't make her feel guilty in the sense of oh come home, you cheated on me, etc.. I think I treat her very well and so do others for what she has done to me as a person. I just was being honest with her about her calling for us to file jointly. I could file on my own and get the same return. It will benefit my wife if she files jointly. No offense, but sooner or later my wife is going to have to step up and take responsibility for what she has done. She can't live in a fairytale land for ever....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CG, why is that odd that she would call about the taxes? Wouldn't you expect that? You make her feel guilty by making remarks about her not calling otherwise, but not calling is more in line with where her head is - it not realistic to think that she would call for anything else because she has left the marriage.

I think thats reasonable that she would want to save as much money as possible on her taxes. I don't see that as taking advantage in any way; you don't lose anything. Cake eating is when a WS gets their needs met from their spouse and the OP; she isn't doing that. She has left the marriage.

I don't think you were out of line at all. This is cake-eating. Where it benefits her, she wants the relationship. Where it doesn't, she doesn't.

That it saves her taxes, what do you care?

She's not your responsibility anymore. You do not need to help her. That you called her on it made her mad.

To call you out of the blue for a favor, amid what all has occurred, is inappropriate.

She wants out, let her deal with the costs as well as the benefits.

It sounds like to me from what I have read that I need to get use to my wife being this way. It sounds like I am probably going to start being more mad and begin to hate her that I do care for her. I don't see how I can just be all happy and content with how she treats me. Well if I caused her guilt, well I am not sure I should be saying sorry anymore. She has screwed with my head mentally and there are things she did to make me question who I am. In the end I find out she had three occurences over our relationship where she crossed that boundy in some way, shape, or form. That has affected me more than anyone will know because I treated her so good and then she does that behind my back.
So am I being told to move on and just let my wife go? That she is never coming back and I need to learn to live with that? How am I suppose to just act like what she didn't doesn't bother me when it does?

CG-

While I can sympathize with your plight, I'll have to say that I agree with Melody on this one. From her perspective, it would be much better for her to have as little contact with you as possible because she feels so guilty with all of the interactions. Does that mean that what she's doing is right? Absolutely not! But the reality is that you two are estranged and she's not comfortable feeling guilty about her past actions. It really sounds like you're still relying on her to a certain extent for your own happiness and that's a losing battle. You need to find atleast contentment totally separate from anything she provides you IMO.

confused_guy,

I am late joing your post. I would answer your thead's title. W's world is not as rosy as she thought it would be and she gets frustrated. The closest person that she know she could yell at without a reprecaution is at you.

just my 2¢. -rh-

Now from everything that I have read I feel guilty for my actions towards my wife(ws). What is the right thing to do? Apologize for her and just say sorry for my actions and leave it at that? Or do I just sweep it under the rug?

CG:

Don't apologize for HER. Apologize for your own behavior. Stop the LBing. And wait, if you have the patience and want to keep trying. Keep working on you, forget trying to understand your W's behavior. That's her problem, not yours. I'd do the joint filing if it will help her without putting you out. Just a small deposit in her LB$ from you, perhaps, but better than the reactions she's been getting from you during her infrequent "calls home."

Give her time, cg, and just continue to be a loving H. Either that, or give her a DV and give yourself a chance to move on.

All my best,
-Qfwfq

My H talks to me the same way, and it hurts like heck. I've asked him to talk to me in a normal tone, but he insists he does.