I recently found out about my husband having an affair for the past 3 months. We have decided to stay together and went to our first counseling session last week. After the session I felt everything was going to go well as far as "We" go. I think that we have a good foundation and will get through this. However, I think that my husband needs to tell the other woman who was a friend of mine that it is over and that he does not love her. She was told by me not to contact me or him ever again but she called him this past week just to see if he was "Okay". He told her he was fine and hung up. I got upset so he called her back and told her to not contact either of us again.
I was still upset because of the fact that he told her that he loved her among other things during thier affair and I think that he needs to tell her that he doesn't in fact love her. He needs to tell her that he is staying with me and so on. He thinks that just telling her not to make contact is good enough. I believe she will be back because she believes he loves her and he has not actually told her it is over. Am I being too picky? Should he tell her out right so that there is no doubt left? HELP!

He should NEVER talk to her again. But, you are right, he needs to send her a firm no contact letter saying that he does not love her, that he loves you and is staying to work on his marriage. I think that was a great gesture on his part to call her and tell her that, but he needs to avoid all contact, and just send her a letter. This goes a long way in repairing the damage done to you and is more effective in [hopefully!] ending contact.

You are absoulutely, positively right.

His lame NC over the phone just left her with the impression that he was saying to this to her because you were pressuring him to say them, not because he really meant them.

It may help if you calmly sit down with him and validate his feelings (that if you were in his shoes, you would probably be feeling the same way too) BUT that if he's serious about marital recovery, he needs to be firm with her and tell her that he has made his choice, and it is to be with you and not her. Point out that by not being totally resolute, he is not helping you, himself (or even her) to move on with your lives. OW MUST be totally out both of your lives, if the marriage has any chance to survive and be rebuilt.

I tried to tell him that is what he needed to do but he thinks that what was done should be enough. Maybe it will but I am not so sure I believe (from a womans point of view) he said things to her that would make her want to keep coming back. That is why I think he needs to tell her just what he wants and is doing so she has no doubts and draws no false conclusions. Thanks for the input. I feel so much better when I can vent here because there is no one else I can talk to. Thanks again.

One thing I keep asking myself is should I contact her husband. You see we were all friends. We were couple friends and did alot together. I feel like I should contact her husband because we were all friends but I don't know if that will make it better or worse for me or him. What do you think? Should I contact her husband who was our friend or leave it alone?

LeeAnn, yes, definitely contact him. The man has a right to know what she has done. If you knew someone was embezzling money from him, would you warn him? Its the same principe. This will also ensure that contact is ended from that end. Just go and do it and don't make the mistake of telling your H lest he alert the OW.

to quote toomuchcoffeeman "You are absoulutely, positively right". I went threw hell for 6 month after I found out. At first she didn't see why they couldn't be friends. It about killed me that she worked with him still. One week after D-day he brought her a gift to reconcile. Just friends, right? She would never tell him NC, just that I said no contact. She didn't want to hurt him. Even after he moved to another city he still called. So, he kept making contact, after 4 months she finally sent a NC and committed to my marriage letter. Well, he continued to make contact for another 3 months. My life suffered, my career suffered, my relationships with my children sufferred until I felt safe in our relationship.
I hope your husband will realize these are not just opinions and suggestions. You need to feel secure. Also, you probably feel he needs to tell you should he make contact with her. Marriages are built on trust.

A thought: If your child got evolved doing drugs with another kid, what actions might you feel you needed to take to stop the drug use? Could the child still hang out with those friends?

The husband of the womann my husband had the affair with knows about it because he is the one that found the email that exposed the affair. I have not talked to her husband since I found out. I was wondering on top of the fact that my husband needs to send her a no contact letter if I should contact her husband. Especially since we were all friends at one time or if it would just make things worse. I guess he must be feeling the same thing I am but do I dare discuss it with him? Would it make things worse for him and for me or help? I am going to have my husband send the letter. I believe he will do it. But should I talk to her husband about it because I almost fell I need to and because I think he doesn't know the whole truth.

Lisa, my H's OW was our next door neighbor and our families were friends. I told her H right away. He later thanked me for saving his M.

It sure is a double whammy when H has an A with a friend. Affected both couples whole families.

I posted a thread that got lots of response on a similar topic on 1/22/03. You can do a search on the title of the post ...Has anyone's WS "told off" the OW? It on the "in recovery" board.

Even though my H had already sent a NC letter in November, I was still troubled by things he'd told her and so was he. We wanted the record set straight.

I forewarn you...the thread gets really heated.

Best Wishes.

Are you wrong, NO and YES! NO you are not wrong by asking him to end ALL CONTACT and write her a NC letter. YES you are wrong by DEMANDING WHAT HE SHOULD TELL HER! you stated
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was still upset because of the fact that he told her that he loved her among other things during thier affair and I think that he needs to tell her that he doesn't in fact love her. He needs to tell her that he is staying with me and so on. He thinks that just telling her not to make contact is good enough. I believe she will be back because she believes he loves her and he has not actually told her it is over.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By your H telling OW what you want him to say, is not going to mean that the contact will end. It will be seen as bossiness from you. "You better do this like I am telling you to do this or else". Ask yourself why do you want him to state it as such?...Is it more for her to stop contact or will it just be proof and gloating that you won him and she didn't like this is some sort of prize? You need a different approach. You gently let him know that him sending her a no contact letter would make you feel more at ease and will help you to start to get the trust back into your marriage, no pushing, no demanding.JMO

Hmm I guess, Trying 2 4 give. you are right. I ask myself why I want him to tell her he doesn't love her and it brings about a multitude of emotions. 1- I want him to assure her he doesn't love her but it is for me to be assured that he doesn't as well. It is so strong (hurt) that now that I think about it I see that it is really for me more then anything else. I will talk to him tonight about your suggestion. A letter is what he is agreeable to and it should help to ease my thoughts and fears. Thanks
I will look up the other posts.

It might make sense to avoid the topic of being "in love" altogether. If for no other reason than to reinforce honesty.

It hurts, but the fact is many WS felt romantic love for the OP and that they do have caring feelings for them. Denying it in a letter has the disadvantages of allowing lying; appearing forced by BS; causing resentment in WS; and other things that may or may not be mitigated by the good feelings. Not forcing the denial clause may actually encourage openness on the part of your H.

I think most of the sample NC letters around focus on the hurt caused and the desire/love for family/marriage/spouse, rather than explicitly denying feelings.

I read the old postings and wow there was alot. I get so angry when I think of her having the nerve to call my husband after I told her not to. She just wants to "see if he is ok". What I really want to do is go to her door and tell her that this is the last time. But it will probably just fuel her fire knowing that she got to me. Well I don't know I gues I will leave it at doing a letter with my husband and see what happens. i have a bad temper though and there isn't much more I can take before I confront her. Not going to do anything bad but I would like to.

No one has power over you, only you control your actions. By confronting this woman you are showing her that she has power over you. The power to send you into a rage by just the press of 7 digits. Don't give this woman the knowledge that you spend every day thinking of her. We have all been there but when it comes down to it, just because you confront her doesn't mean she is going to stop calling. This is up to your H to make it clear that all contact must stop.

Your are right about not giving her the power. The more I think about it the more it sets my resolve. I am not going to let her in, I am not going to giver her the satisfaction that she got to me. It is hard sometimes but so far I have resisted the urges to comfront her and I am getting on with my life. I am fighting (figuratively) for my husband and my marriage. He is a great man with a problem. I hope this will pass and we will be stronger. The counseling is positive so far and he seems willing to keep going. I am not letting my guard down yet it is too soon. Thanks for the advice. i am having a much better day today.