Hello Folks,
My W and I have been in recovery for almost 14 months now. We have come to what I hope is only another bump in the road. Things have gone good but we seem to be having some trouble in the last few weeks. I have tried to be there for her but she doesn’t seem to want to talk much about it.

Today my wife tells me she doesn’t want to spend any time with my family. Her reason for this is because of their supporting me during the time of my EOA. At first her telling me hurt me because I have the need to have her by my side. Part of that need is to keep my parents happy and off my back (took me a while to realize that and I know it is wrong and I am working on this) and the other is because I genuinely would like her with me when I go out to social events (seldom). I can understand her feelings after thinking about it for a bit (a couple of hours). Now it appears to me as if she is ready to give up on our marriage every time we come across these bumps in the road.

She keeps telling me nothings changed (for the better) in our marriage, and that all I worry about is my happiness. I am being totally honest but I all I do is think about her happiness. My happiness seems to depend on it these days (because of my guilt). If she is upset or feeling bad I am feeling bad. What I am having a hard time dealing with is that I can do nothing to ease her pain. What can I do besides be there for her? I try to do this the best I can, it doesn’t seem to be enough.

Now another thing that seems to screw things up is when I do have feelings that I need to express. Me doing so makes her think I am unhappy with her and am looking for reasons to leave. I am not unhappy with her I am unhappy with that issue at hand.

I don’t want to and am not interested in leaving her. I want us to be together forever and am only looking for us to work things out. How do I connect with my wife again? I thought we where connecting better and things might be getting to a somewhat normalcy, but all that normalcy seems to do is trigger her to think things are going back to that way they where before. How do I know what she needs our life to be like? Sorry about this turning into a rant but I am very upset and confused about what to do. She did a great deal when it came to saving our marriage but I fear maybe she is sorry she did. I am sorry for hurting her more then I could ever understand. How do I save our marriage now? How do I heal her pain before it consumes our marriage? Please help me…

LHM:

I think that everything you described is normal, even for the length of time since D-day (14 months, right?). It's been that long for me, too, and it's still very hard.

Just don't forget who's feelings you're responsible for. Not each others'. Your own. Only. It is good that you are trying to express your feelings to one another, but don't expect her to simply accept as truth that you are committed to the M, just because you say you are. It takes time. A lot of it.

All my best,
-Qfwfq

LHM,

My initial thought after reading your post is that there is probably more going on than appears.

It's hard to tell what's the symptom vs. the problem.

You may need some help sorting through this. I hesitate to recommend counseling - you can read horror stories if you don't get a GOOD counselor.

I had a great bout of counseling with Steve Harley. I think he could be extremely effective with you and your wife - especially since she supports MB principles too.

Think about it - with the A far into your past, SH could help you both have the kind of marriage you dream of having! Blessings, CSue

Thanks for the input.
Lately there seems to be a feeling I get from her that everything is doomed, that our marriage is doomed. Is this normal for her to feel this way whenever something comes up between us? I know 14 months is not that long of a time but it goes from good to worse then the time before. The mood swings are so hard to see coming, out of nowhere WHAM they hit. That isn’t so bad I can handle that, but this whole idea of her thinking we are headed for divorce worries me very much. I am worried it might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. My head hurts so badly when I think about it.

I do see an IC and think he is a good one. He has brought me to understand a lot of what’s going on with myself. I know I can’t change my wife and I know she can’t change me. So the fact that she is thinking this way makes me scared. She had more hope for us the day my EOA came out into the open. I would like her to seek IC but she refuses to do so. I have asked her on numerous occasions by explaining she needs to take care of herself; I want her to be happy again. The only thing that runs through my head is “why did I do this” over and over and over again.

LMH,

It's hard to hear from someone else that they are suggesting you to IC. Even when you know it's true. Would she be willing to do MC?

She sounds exactly how I feel quite alot. I was more hopeful in the beginning than I feel now at times. But like her it comes and goes.

I think that by the time a year passes, all the shock is worn off and you are left with 100% of your feelings. And honestly I'm not sure what to do with them some of the time.

Recently it's been anger in my case. Anger that I didn't know I was capable of feeling that appears to come out of nowhere. My feelings are my responsiblity so I will have to take some action.

One of the posters above mentioned that if you can comfort, reassure her during these times, it's a big help. Good Luck! CSue

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Love_Her_Madly:
<strong>Lately there seems to be a feeling I get from her that everything is doomed, that our marriage is doomed. Is this normal for her to feel this way whenever something comes up between us? I know 14 months is not that long of a time but it goes from good to worse then the time before. The mood swings are so hard to see coming, out of nowhere WHAM they hit. That isn’t so bad I can handle that, but this whole idea of her thinking we are headed for divorce worries me very much. I am worried it might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. My head hurts so badly when I think about it.

I do see an IC and think he is a good one. He has brought me to understand a lot of what’s going on with myself. I know I can’t change my wife and I know she can’t change me. So the fact that she is thinking this way makes me scared. She had more hope for us the day my EOA came out into the open. I would like her to seek IC but she refuses to do so. I have asked her on numerous occasions by explaining she needs to take care of herself; I want her to be happy again. The only thing that runs through my head is “why did I do this” over and over and over again.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry to quote your whole post, but...this feels so much like my relationship. I had so much more hope at the beginning than I do now; I have such a gut feeling that we are doomed, no matter how much I try.

I think from the outside, my FWH seems much like you. I know he feels he is doing everything he can to treat me well, and is filled with remorse. But, what I need from him he is not willing do without being forced. And I will not force him. If I set up an appointment with a therapist and insisted he go, he would go - but never on his own, or at his volition. If I buy a book, he'll glance through it if I insist. If I send him a thread from this board, he'll read it, but would never seek out the board for his own growth, or even to read what my thoughts are.

It's this impasse that he thinks he is doing "everything" and I think he is doing nothing that he hasn't already done before that I fear will lead us to divorce.