I found out about my husbands affair 11 days ago. He brought her into our home to have sex inour spare bedroom, alledgedly while our 17 month old son was napping. I am extremely hurt but we are going to counseling. I am more hurt at times by the deception that surrounded the affair then the actual sex. Is this strange? I am also upset about the fact that he brought her home and involved our son. How long do the images of them togther going to invade my thoughts while I go about my daily routines in my home? I can't even go in the room where they had sex. The door remains closed. I have told him I want to move because I do not want to be in our home any longer since she was there and I want to move away from her since she lives a mile away. Is this wrong too?

My H and I are starting the recovery process from my A. For a year, he would uncover my lies over an over again to the point that it was my lying that was going to end our M, not my A. He actually said to me that it wasn't as much the A that happened, but it was the lies that he couldn't take any longer. I'm learning that as long as you are truthful, open and honest, you can work through anything.

I am dwelling more on the lies then the affair myself. I have found i am more hurt by the deception then the physical part of his affair. I want to get over it but it lingers always in
the back of my mind. I have forgiven him for the physical betrayal but the emotional betrayal and trust is going to be much much harder to forgive. I am told it is too soon for me to be expected to be over it so I hang in there and deal on a daily basis. Today was a good day and that is how I look at it every day. One day at a time.

11 days ago is such a short period of time. Are you sleeping OK , eating alright?.. if not I do suggest you visit your doctor to help you through this period.

This kind of betrayal is one of the cruelest. in the early stages its like a fresh gaping wound.. that wound needs healing from the inside out and great care needs to be taken. Bandaid treatments wont do didly sqwat for you right now. It needs cleaning, soothing and a lot of time patience and honesty for it to heal... I really know what they mean by a rollercaaster ride.

This site is jam packed with information, read all you can, soak it up like a sponge. Post away with all your questions. we know what you are going through.

And no its not strange the way you are feeling its completely normal. I am pleased to read you are in marriage councelling, do know that a marriage can heal from this and it can become stronger if both parties give it their all.. its a narrow and turbulant path, but walked together, there is great rewards waiting for you both.

As you mentioned the affair was physical I have to ask.. have either of you being checked for STD's. Never assume they arnt out there , they are. Please do that asap if not already.

I do wish you well

take care dino.

Dino
I am reading every thing I can get my hands on and then some. Some of it is conflicting but most is helpful. I find this site to be very helpful. I am dedicated to making our marriage work and I believe he is too. Especially since he is the one who wanted the counselling to begin with and he even made the appointment. Our counselor has told me that the reasons for his infidelty is not the sex or something wrong in our marriage or something I did or didn't do, it has to do with his learned behavior and his childhood. Although I see alot of this becasue I now know things about him that I never knew before it is still hard not to think that it was something I did or didn't do, or something I have or don't have that she does. That is my problem and I am working on it with the counselor. Yes I did get checked for STD's. I was furious with him for that becasue I had a reocurring Y infection for two months during his affair. I haven't had one of those in 8 years. I should have seen the writing on the wall but it never ocurred to me why or how I got them until his affair was revealled. I am having a hard time with all of it especially since she lives near by and they (her husband too) were friends of ours that we socialized with on a regular basis. But I am trying really hard to deal on a daily basis with it and like I said today was a good day so tomorrow is what I will work on. One day at a time seems to be the easiest way for me to deal with it. thanks for the advice. It feels great to talk about it and know I am not the only one.

Your post struck a chord with me this morning. Its 6 months to this day I just fled our home because of my husbands affair .When I read your story it was like having a finger nail peeled off.

I too found a lot of conflicting advice in the early days for our situation. MB principles are very good, but always do try and remember its not a case of "one size fits all". Everyone is different and even though our situations are similar alot of other varying influences come into play.

Take some leave some , but put into place things that work for you. i could easily wrap my head around the concept that an affair is an addiction, my husbands behaviour could not have been described as anything else. But the emotional needs bit .. did not work for me or us. if anyones emotional needs wernt being met.. they were mine. He was a heavey ( and then some) pot smoker for well over 3 yrs..hes 6 months free from that from this day too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and well I think that makes the emotional needs bit null and void in our situation back then... however now we are beginning to work on that opening up more and more communication.

Your husband owns his affair, it is nothing you did or didnt do to make him chose that path. That was his choice.

And you know if it is feasible for you to move... move. WHat can I say I know I would in your situation.

has your husband ceased all contact with the OW? is the OW husband aware of the situation?

its a double whammy you have taken with the betrayal firstly of your husband and then ontop of that your friend. Please do take care of yourself. A healthy body leads to healthy mind. it really helps to stay ontop of things.. and I love your outlook you have right now.. one day at a time..

Dino.

Dino

I have spoken to my husband at length about moving because being in our home literally makes me sick at times because she was there and they played, "House", there. You are right my hurt was compounded by the fact that she was my friend and now I see where some of her actions were leading. When I look back I see how she purposely used our friendship to get close to and find out things about my husband. Now I have found out that this has happened to her on numerous occasions. She has had numerous affairs with the husbands of friends she had made. I feel like such a sucker knowing that the Black Widow pulled me into her web.
We have looked at other homes and are probably going to move in the next 6 months or so. My husband is willing to do anything, he says, to help save us and our marriage. I have received alot of advice and some of it applies. Alot of it doesn't but I am sifting through it and using what I think fits and storing away the rest.
He has not told her that he doesn't want to be with her but when I found out about it he ceased to have contact with her. Not by his choice but by the fact that I and her husband now know so they are being watched and cannot contact at the moment. She did call him at wotk to find out if he was "okay". He told me right away. I was upset with him because he says he was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. He had all this stuff he was going to tell her but he didn't. He called her back and said Sorry this happened, Don't contact me or my wife again. She said okay and hung up. I still think he should have told her that he doesn't care for her and wants his marriage to work but I am told not to force this issue. You see I believe that she will keep coming back because she believes that he loves her becasue of things he told her. He has not told her any different and if she is that desperate I think she will be back. What do you think?

Ohhh I almost forgot TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TOO.