I am a BS myself and have read here on occasin but never posted. I have a dear friend who has been confiding in me for the last year about the fact that she suspects her husband of having an affair. I have listened and helped in any way I could.

In the past month this same friend has been spending an awful lot of time with a new male friend of hers. I try not to make it my business but she talks about him all of the time and frankly she sounds like a love sick 17 year old!

I know she is hurting, and I understand she is angry at her husband. I understand all too well since my husband had his own fling 11 years ago. I was angry myself but never tempted to go out and have an affair.

Is this a common reaction to finding out that your spouse is cheating? Am I the odd person who did not go in this direction?

I want to be a friend but I do not think I can watch this much longer. If it is wrong for the goose it is wrong for the gander in my saddened opinion.

Beth

It is common enough for Harley to warn betrayeds to be careful with their friendships with people of the opposite sex. It's an extremely vulnerable time for us ... our needs are not being met, our spouses are off doing their thing, and wanting to find someone else who will be a gentle ear and caring soul is natural. This can be a slippery slope for a betrayed.

Unfortuntely, TTU, revenge affairs are all too common. It's highly likely that both spouses are dealing with unmet emotional needs which can set the marriage up for all sorts of unhappiness.

If I were you, I'd anonymously send your friend Harley's book "Surviving an Affair". There's not much else you can do other than be there for her, although you can let her know you don't approve of her choices.

God Bless and good luck,
Jo

ttu, If you feel comfortable enough with your friend you might explain to her in a caring way that she is in a vulnerable state and to be very careful about this new friendship of hers, that things can very easily happen that could hurt alot of people, her, her family, the op family, especially if he is married, that she will feel more pain and misery if she steps over the line. She might not appreciate your advice, but if she is a good friend, you can tell her that you love her and don't want her to have to endure more pain than what she already has. You can warn her, she might not heed or she just might think about what you tell her, then you know you did what you could. If I had a good friend, I would give the advice. I am bs not ws. I was also tempted at times to seek comfort and attention that I wasn't receiving from ws, but I prayed to God to help me not to do it and I made it through. Every time I thought about it I would think how badly it would hurt my children, my family, friends and even ws.

ttu, And most of all, it would have hurt me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can warn her, she might not heed or she just might think about what you tell her, then you know you did what you could. If I had a good friend, I would give the advice. I </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This makes sense. I will try and speak to her about it. I will wait until a time when I can keep my emotions in check. I feel mad and I feel disappointed athough it may not be my place to feel either. I have spent the past year trying to be supportive and comiserating with her about how wrong it is to stray, how it is not the right way to address a troubled marriage. This behavor on the heels of that year is very difficlt to take.

I will also hand her a copy of the book while I'm at it. I would send it to her but I think she would know it was from me so I might as well give it to her face to face.

Thank you all for listening and for your responses. I am off to sit in the sun and try and put this all behind me for the day. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Beth

i would say it's common. neither my husband or i had an affair...but there was a time..before i ever heard of MB....back when i was young and spiteful, that if i had found out my hub was having an affair, i could have easily justified having one myself.....

Yes, it is common. I myself had to back off of a friendship I have with a male friend. I started having thoughts about this male friend that were going from the friend category to more than friend category. I knew it had to do with the lack of EN's that were being fullfilled by my H, loneliness, all that stuff. I knew this becuase one of the thoughts I had was, don't I deserve some happiness too. It scared me and I knew I had to back off of the friendship while I was feeling this way. I never told him, because I didn't not want to cross the line, nor did I want to put him in an ackward position.