Originally posted in "In Recovery"

I needed to talk to you this morning when I called, but you seemed to have your own
problems. I hope your day gets better.
--flash-- You just called, obviously you are having a very hard day. I'll save this message for later.

I need your understanding and empathy right at this moment. I need you to understand
what I'm telling you and try and feel what I'm feeling:

What would you do if I told you that I need to leave?
It isn't your fault, you've been wonderful. I just need something more.
What if I told you that I'm in love with someone else?

I've been seeing this person for several weeks, but we've only slept together once. It wasn't like it is between you and me, it was just something different, someone new. He likes all the things I like and we have a lot in common. He makes me feel really good about myself, he thinks I'm perfect. If it hadn't been with him though, it would probably have been someone else.

But the reason I want to leave isn't because of him, it's just that I'm not happy. I'm not even sure that I'll continue to see him when I leave, but I'm not ready to tell him goodbye yet. Besides it's not about wanting to be with him, it's about whether or not I want to continue to stay married to you. It's just too hard living with you.

But then again, maybe I will stay, I do love you and the affair didn't really mean anything and now that I think about it, I'm sure that I really don't love him, I just thought I did.

I'm sure you can get over it quickly.
We really didn't even spend that much time together, we went for walks a few times and went out to eat or went for drinks a few times, I went to church with him and we talked about making a life together and all the places we'd like to go together, he was very handsome and I was very attracted to him, but I'm sure it wouldn't have worked out anyway. I didn't like him better, and I didn't like his lovemaking better, honest.

We made out a little bit and we did e-mail a lot, he was just really different and interesting and made me feel like I was number one, you just didn't make me feel that way. Besides you were gone too much so it was inevitable.

But I'm sure you can get over it and never think of it again, I'm sure you'll only see him once in a while, if ever. It's really no big deal. I don't see why you'd want to make a big deal out of it. I really am sorry and I never want to talk about it again. I never want to hear about how much it hurts you or how much you hate him. It makes me feel too guilty and I can't be sorry forever!

If you forgive me then that means I should never have to hear another word about it or ever feel guilty about it again and lord knows you should be able to get over it in at least a few months!
I shouldn't have to deal with your feelings too, I have enough of my own!
So if you want me to stay with you, you'll just have to deal with it, besides unless I knew you wanted me to stay and hadn't apologized to me for your part in this, I probably wouldn't be staying home.

What if this was all true, what if it was me telling you about it, how would you feel, how would you "get over it" how would you deal with it?

I passed her again this morning on the way to xxxxxx, the feeling it leaves in the pit of my stomach I can't explain, it just makes me feel sudden nausea, sudden panic, makes me feel that I can never escape her. I re-live the pain of you and her every time I see her. And I have to squash it down and hold it in and it courses through me and it literally makes me sick. And the very first thing I thought after that was, I need you. Isn't it ironic. But, then I know that really you don't want to hear about my pain, you don't want to share my hurt. You said in our session a few weeks ago that it bothered you to hear me say I wanted to move and that I hated her. Why does it bother you? Is it still guilt or is it another reason? Do you understand why I say these things?

When I saw her this morning, one of the first things that ran through my head was "We have to move", and "guess she was out whoring late last night and is going to be late to work" there are other things too. I do hate her and all that she represents. I don't like being this kind of person, I don't like thinking these things. But just to know you could feel what it must be like, that you could just understand it and not blame or resent me for it would make me feel like you really loved me and cared about me and understood me. It would mean so much.

TierdLV, where is the head and where is the tail ? I am really a slow learner. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Both part full of LB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ... neither should be sent JMHO. -rh-

<small>[ April 07, 2003, 03:46 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Bad idea to send it. It's a cop out to tell someone such important things in an email.

Sit down with him and tell him these things instead, face to face. If you want, print off the draft email and take it with you so you don't forget to say anything, but I would say DON'T SEND IT.

Also, it goes in circles so much that I can't seem to make heads or tails of it either! You'll just confuse your spouse.

Jen

<small>[ April 07, 2003, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

I think if I read it right, tireds husband has had an affair and tired wanted to try and place her husband in her shoes.

Tired your husband needs to understand you and your pain you are suffering .

I can feel your distress.. are in MC ?.. if not go either with or without your husband.

You can never be expected just to get over it... your husband is fooling himself there and being extremely selfish in his motives.

I hope other will respond to you soon.

take care.

Sorry for the confusion.
Yes Dinotopia, you are correct.
And the reason I was going to send this in an e-mail instead of face to face is because whenever I try to talk with him about her in person, he just gets angry and says he doesn't see why we have to talk about her, that the only time he thinks about her is when I bring her up. That as I said in the e-mail, he just want to forget about it and he's sorry I'm hurting but he doesn't know what he's supposed to do, he feels like there's nothing he can do for me, so he doesn't see the point.

I was trying to let him see what it would be like if I said all the things to him that he has said to me during this nightmare and then maybe he could understand how I can't just forget and just let it go.

We've been going to mc for a few months. You may want to read my post "my story...no what" for info. I guess I just needed to vent, I won't be sending the e-mail. I just want him to understand my pain <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ April 08, 2003, 08:54 AM: Message edited by: TiredLv ]</small>