It has been 13 days since I found out about the affair my husband was having with a friend of ours. We are currently in counseling and trying to work through this but I keep having the same dream over and over about the incident. I keep dreaming about coming home and finding her in my home, sitting on the couch and the two of them are talking as if nothing ever happened. Then I wake up and can't go back to sleep for hours. This has happened at least every other night for almost two weeks now. I guess I am having these dreams because of the fact that he brought her into our home for their affair and that is part of the reason why I was so upset becasue I feel that nothing was sacred. Our home, our son (who is 17 months and was home while they were having sex), our car, everything has been invaded by her.
I have these dreams even on nights that are good and I go to bed in a decent mood. Did anyone else have this problem? Is this something that is normal and goes away?

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to let you know that I've been having nightmares since day 1. But they are all about my D. They are BAD. Each one has been her getting killed or hurt really bad in some way. I've woken up sweating and not being able to go back to sleep. I almost hate to go to sleep now. Last night was the first night I haven't had any nightmares.

I think it is somehow my sub-consious. I constantly worry about her. I hope I don't have any more. It's truly frightening.

Lee Ann, So sorry for your pain. I am bs 2yrs d-day. The dream is normal unfortunately, you are still fresh in the pain. I was afraid to go to sleep at night for fear of dreaming about ws and ow. My ws swears they never did anything in our house when I asked him. I knew it would be worse for me if they had. The ow was also a friend of ours. The dreams should get lesser with time. I once had a dream several mos later that we bumped into each other and she was laughing at me. I let it upset me for few days. I haven't dreamed about her in awhile but I'm way stronger now, so it does get better. Is your husband being supportive and making real effort? Of course it's still very early in this for you. Hugs to you.

Leeann,
It is very normal. I only saw the OW a few times but I would have different dreams of the two of them together. Some nights I would have these I guess they would be considered nightmares every night all night. It was embedded in my head for months. Whether a good day or a bad day it would happen. It does start to fade. My nightmares have become less and less. There are some nights when I do not have any at all. I am even starting to forget what she looks like. Unfortunately, I have to testify against her this Tues. so I will have to relive all of it.

My house, my car, my D everything has been tainted by the OW also. It is very hard to move on when you feel that your life has been tainted. It took me months to be able to drive my car that they were in almost every single night. It will get easier though. You just have to focus on the good as much as you can right now. We all have our good days and our bad days here.

JazzeyGirl

I am hoping that the dreams actually nightmares I have of them together in my houes and stuff go away but I guess becaseu it is so fresh it is to be expected. My husband is very supportive and has scheduled counseling and we have gone to one session so far. I just hate the fact that she has invaded every aspect of my life. I understand how you feel about not being able to drive your car becasue I have the same problem. I cannot go into our spare bedroom where they had sex with out breaking into tears or becoming angry. I used to use it all the time to put my son down for his nap and now I won't go in there. I have a hard time getting into my car becasue they met there as well. I guess it will go away with time like you say and that is what my husband says but I ahve this bad feeling tucked deep away of this happening again. Ithink that is why I have the dreams. And if not with her then with someone else because now I know alot more about his past and his track record. He told our counselor that when he was married previously he had 7 affairs in the 7 years he was married and probably more that he couldn't remember. I am afraid I will run into her since they live so close and were friends of ours. She is even friends with my husbands sister and their familys have now started doing more things together since the affair was discovered. I think she is trying to get to my husband through his sister. I am not sure what to do about that. My husband has told his sister that we will not be socially interacting with the other woman and her husband (who knows too) but she doesn't know why. Therefore I think the OW will use his sister to back door me and get back with my husband.

We are going to move and have already looked at new houses. We have gotten rid of or destroyed all that was related to her,the affair and my friendship with her. So I especially won't have any reminders. You are right it makes me feel like a fresh start when there is nothing to remind me of her and my husband together. My husband is very patient and is being very supportive of my feelings. He seems very remorseful and has been reaffirming his love for me on a daily basis. We have discussed his reasons for his affair and the counselor agrees that in our case it is not because of anything lacking in our marriage or nothing I did or didn't do. It is like an addiction to him. He grew up in the cheating environment, his mother was married twice, his father four times and he cheated every time. His mother was a very bitter and hateful woman and he has a lifetime of this kind of learned behavior. He realizes it, admits it and wants to change it. He says that it took hurting the person (me) that means the most to him in the whole world for him to admit he has a problem and he is wanting to fix it because he doesn't want to lose me and our realtionship. He has also hit rock bottom and even if I don't stay with him he admits he has to change or he is doomed to a life of failed relationships. This makes me feel at least that we have a fighting chance but I still have this nagging fear in the back of my mind that I will come home and find her in my house or him gone. I am sure it will go away with time I just wish it would hurry up and go.

ugh sorry you are suffering those dreams. My GP was my saviour to help me shut them down.. it was a short course of normison ( 5 days) they shut your thinking down for approx 4 hours, enough to help your brain cut the crap and give you a rest. They worked like a charm for me.

Uncanny how much your husbands and my husbands family history came into play. My husbands family history is laced with deciet and lack of loyalties and boundaries. One turning point in our recovery came when he echoed just about what your husband did. And that was even if i could not stay in our marraige he realised he had to make changes, he could not continue on through life like this. He had to learn to be honest to himself.

In your other thread you asked about what to do about contact. I must say I contacted the OW. it did work well in our situation, but I am unsure of what to advise you with there. perhaps someone else would be better off answering that for you.

Though no contact means no contact. If your husband is willing to tell you when she contacts, that is a very good sign...however if she continues, then you and your husband need to draft a no contact letter... be straight forward and firm.

That naggin fear you have , we all go through. The what ifs and so forth. Your husband needs to be accountable for all of his time.. he needs to live his life like an open book.. no more secrets.. he has to be totally honest with you with all aspects of his life. Trust is so easily lost, yet so hard to regain.

Take care.

Leeann - the dreams are natural. I had the dreams for probably 1 year. But my hsuband did not want to get rid of the other womans stuff, her hair, her sexual cards, her teddy bear (red), her letters, everything, her e-mails. He kept them all, and that told me that I was not #1 to him. That she was #1 to him, and I was #2.

I had dreams that while he was getting her in her rearend, she was on all fours, that I came in and pushed her, and she fell on her nose and broke it. And blood was coming out all over. Then I took both their clothes, and rang out the door. The house they were having sex in was vacant, so there was nothing for them to cover up in. And I took the car that they had. So there was no phone or nothing.

I had a dream that I pulled her hair out. Cause my husband said she was bald in a lot of spots. And that triggered me pulling her hair, not hard, but it just came out in big clumps.

I dreamed that while she was doing oral sex to my husband, that I kicked her hindend, and he shoved his organ deep in her mouth, and she threw up all over him.

Talking to my counselor, this is quite normal. And if your husband does not help you with the dreams, then your hsuband doesn't care about you. My husband didn't care about me. Cause he justififed his actions with the other woman. And didn't say much about my feelings. I found that I was going through these dreams almost nightly. They were of her, and how I could destroy her. This is normal. It takes awhile, and the only way is for your husband to hold you, and say he loves you, and makes a committment to the marriage. I didn't have that, and we are divorcing.

My dreams lasted a long time, but I don't have a dream about her anymore. Cause I know she is a fat whore, and it doesn't matter. She is psychologically unfit, and my hsuband made a big mistake. I moved on, and it feels good.

You will move on, and if your husband is there to help you, it won't be long till the dreams end. Ask your husband to hold you, or when you wake up with the dreams, have him hold you. Tell him what you need. I told my hsuband, and he was very cold with me. I wanted to be held, he would holdme once in awhile, but roll over and say they will end. I didn't get the support needed. And during his affair, and after, I had to deal wtih my fathers servere illness, and death. Which I had a lot to deal with.

So be open with yourhusband. Tell him what you would like when you have these dreams. If need be, make a picture of the woman, and put her name on it, and burn it outside. Or in the fireplace. Ask your husband for reassurance that he loves you. It is normal to have these dreams, with the help of your husband, they will end and you two can continue to grow in your marriage.

Counseling is good. Just look for a good marriage counselor.

Jazzeygirl, Faith4me and Dinotopia

You have been great with the advice I feel so much better knowing that I am not the only one that this has ever happened to. My husband has been very supportive of my nightmares and says he understands why I have them. He even assures me that when he gets his mind and past "Fixed" we will be better then before. He says that he is changing every day and that he doesn't want to be the person he was. He wants me to get to know him and he thinks I will love him more when I know the new and improved him. I love all of this it is so positive but it still doesn't stop the nagging fear in the back of miy mind that makes me think, What if this happens again? I hope and pray that he will be able to change and that he will let me in enough that I can help. He has promised to be totally honest and tell me if she contacts him again and if he ever encounters this situation again with her or amy other woman. I want it to work very much but it has not taken away my doubts or fears. I hope these will not hurt our recivery. We have gone to counselling together but recenrtly our counselor suggested seperate sessions. She beleives that we have issues that might be better handled in seperate sessions. One is that my husband is very frustrated that I haven't just moved on. HE thinks I am dwelling to much and there is nothing he can do to make me feel better about it. I think he has been in such a hurry to go forward that he has out what happened out of his mind and that bothers me. I can't help feeling hurt and angry where he feels great because he still has me and our life. I don't like the idea of sepreate sessions because I feel like he will tell the counselor things I will never know and wee are back to having secrets. WHta do you guys think? We have looked at new homes and plan on moving by the end of this summer. It does feel good that he is willing to do that, it will be like a new begining. Our anniversay is August 1 and I thought since we eloped and never had a reception that it would be nice to have a cerimony and a small reception and reaffirm our vows. Ihaven't mentioned it to him I think I will wait and see how the counseling goes first. I wonder if this is a good idea? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />