I've been doing a lot of thinking since our last fight about the kids spending time with the OM. Even though I know I'm doing the right thing by not allowing them in the middle of her A I realized how much anger I still have. I thought I was over that but I'm not. If my WW chose to get a D I assumed that the best thing for the kids would be to tell them that we just couldn't make each other happy and I wouldn't have to tell them about the A at all. I have to admit that really upset me because I want them to know how much pain she has caused. I know it's not right to think that way but I can't help it.

My whole focus has been on saving this marriage because I still love my wife and I don't want to hurt the kids. But I am very afraid now that if she decides to come back and work on this that she will not make the changes neccesary on her end to make our marriage a happy one. She has always been so self-centered that I really don't think she would be able to be in a relationship where she had to think about someone elses feelings as being as important as what she wants. Do I need to make this call before I decide to work on this (if that's what she chooses) or do I give her a chance and hope she surprises me? The thought of doing this and her ending up not being willing to change seems just as hard as ending it now and cutting my losses. I didn't want to be the one to initiate the D, but I don't think she ever will anyway. She will need to be able to say that I was the one that wanted this and she didn't. Maybe I'm just having a bad day, but when her own Mother tells me how self absorbed she's always been it hits home a little bit.

starman,

This is my 2¢. I told my 2 D right away ... why ?. They know !. If you cover it up you are sending a wrong message !. Check up this link ... and pay special attention of NSR reply.

-rh-

I think we all too often underestimate what children can cope with. certainly be aware of the age your children are and carry the message to them in a way they will understand best...but carry that message.

Kids know when something is wrong, they have been dependant on you since birth.. They already know your in pain, they already know their mum is distant. They deserve to know at a level they would understand so they arnt thrown into a situation and try to figure something out themselves and come up with hte wrong answer. That very well could be more detramental to them in long run.

Tend to go the opposite way on this one.

Everything I read on the subject says you shouldn't tell the kids.

You may for your own sake tell them that you are not the one mainly at fault if things don't work out.

But remember she is still the mother of your children and they draw there self-esteem from both parents. Run down her you lower their self image too.

Its tough. Its unfair because this is one more time you are betrayed. But in the interest of the kids you need to disclose as little as you can.

I know how bad you want the kids to know its her fault.

We me and my wife were at our worst it felt like the entire world was blaming me kids included. All most people could see (kids included) was you being angry and her being depressed. Many wrongly assumed you hurt her....indeed in my wife's emotional state she often clung to me or even swung at me when I was trying to leave.

When I would "escape" her grip I had to literally pry her off of me. That resulted in grip bruises on her arms near her wrist. Her students saw her trying to cover them up and thought I WAS ABUSING HER!

Little did they know I had to document with our marriage counselor 9 fist size bruises on my shoulders where she belted me during one of her rages.

Not truly her fault she was unloading years of repressed sexual abuse along with the guilt of having been drawn into an affair.

But still it was tough not telling somebody-kids her boss who called me and so on--that she was the offending party not me.

In the end I am so glad I didn't because if I had it would have made reconcilation all the harder.

My story:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=009539

I believe the decision about telling the kids is dependent on their ages. IMHO, you tell all of the truth to a child who can understand it - perhaps 14+ years old. Less than that, tell them a broad truth - "Mom and Dad have some disagreements," etc. Never lie. But even if they're old enough to understand and you explain it all, do not be surprised if they don't accept it. To this day, my son denies his Mom had an affair, despite she's now married to the Dad that lived down the street and was Mom's best friend's husband. It's not unusual for children to not want to believe their Mom or Dad can do something so wrong.

I recommend you gamble on her capability to recover. If you don't and pull the divorce trigger, you may always wonder what could have been. Take it from me - I allowed my XW to make all the decisions, over my objections, towards divorce. She did and I didn't. Now, we're divorced, she married OM, and I am guilt free - knowing I did all in my power for our family and my son. My recovery could not have happened if I had separated, filed, etc.

WAT

<small>[ April 07, 2003, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>