I cant stop crying im so afraid i dont know what to do, he left again, he said he is in love with her and he doesnt feel the same for me anymore, i was really trying to just let everything go and move on but i got the phone bill and saw he had been calling her at home everyday since november, even on our anniversary <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and i was so hurt i couldnt let it go, i asked him about it and he said he calls her just to talk,he promised me there was nothing else he was keeping from me,i called her to ask what her intentions were,did she really want him and why he has no money and we have 5 kids,how could she destroy there lives, she said kids sometimes have to go through that,what happens between you and him shouldnt affect them,she was so uncaring and so unloving towards them.i mentioned this to him and he just said well dont you think thats because you called her? being mean to me is one thing but to them who just want there daddy to be home with them and dont understand all this is something else. she just told me some people just need to accept things,i told her i was calling her boss who happens to be a good family friend and im going to do a formal complaint.that was the only time she showed anykind of remorse,or feeling. now i dont know what to do the kids are crying especially my daughter who adores her daddy,it was so sad this morning when she jumped out of bed and rushed to my room to see him,amd when she realised he wasnt her eyes feeled up with tears <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> is there a chance for us if he is ot here or do i keep begging him to come home and let him do what he whants until he gets over it and what if he never does? he says he still loves me alot but he cant stay here because he keeps hurting me and he does not want to go through the pain anymore he said he cant handle it someone please help me im so lost and afraid i dont want to loose him but what can i do he sees the other woman as someone so perfect she can do no wrong has no faults when is he going to see the real her? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> HELP ME??

Malcswife,

I know what your going thru so very well. Honest to God you could have written my story word for word. My H also left me with 3 children. He said (and I am quoting) "What you and I had together that made us special, I have found with OW. I am falling in love with her and I want to be with her and her son" Needless to say, I was DEVASTATED! I did everything wrong...all of this happened right before I found this place. I begged him to stay...if not for me then at least for the kids. That didn't work. He was bound and determined to leave. He actually moved in with his sister who allowed the A and pushed him to "divorce the B**** and get it over with" He stayed with her for 2 weeks. In contact with OW only by phone (he swears to this even now)

Well in those 2 weeks, I kept busy. I found out EVERYTHING about the OW. My H would tell me half-truths about her thinking I couldn't find her that way. He underestimated me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I took the maiden name he gave me (turns out the tramp is married as well) and found her on the internet. I learned she worked at one of the stops he had to go to for work (she WAS a security guard and he is a truckdriver) I called her boss...told her EVERYTHING! OW was immediately transfered to a new (no chance for contact) location. I also called my H work and told HIS boss everything...They removed him from that route and warned him he could lose his job. When she continued to attempt contact thru his work nextel, I had his boss give him a new phone each day so the number was always different. Then she would ask his fellow employees to get her the number...I again called her boss. She was NOT happy! Her boss told me she would be terminated.

Next came informing her H about this mess. I found his e-mail and I made sure to give enough details so he'd not think I was a crack pot. He demanded proof. So I scanned letters and sent them to him. He now has custody of their son.

When I started it was honestly with revenge as the reason. I wanted her to lose EVERYTHING and feel just a tiny bit of the pain I felt. I was successful. She is a pathetic waste of space. Happily, my H saw this after 2 weeks of being "free" to be with her, he told me all he thought of was me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He says he has no idea what he ever saw in her...he also found out that she has done this with SEVERAL other drivers at his work. She is what the truckers call a lot lizzard.

We are 6 months into a very happy recovery. I am praying that your H will soon see that losing you and his kids is a price too high to pay to be with a tramp. You will be in my thoughts.

God Bless

do you think it is best to just let him go and figure it out the hard way? he left before in november and then he came back for the kids,acording to ow anyway. he said im still his best friend he still wants me in his life,and he is not sure about divorce i believe in our love and i believe he will go with her and find out it was me he wanted all along,he has no money no where to go his mom said she could live with him but he is too ashamed,he spent last night in his car,well most it. I prayed before i went to bed that if god wanted us to be toghether than give me a sign or just send him home i fell asleep around 10,and at 12:10 i just woke up for no reason, wide awake. and i just automaticly went to the phone and dialed his number i didnt even think about it i just did it he said hello i said where are you?he said why I said i dont know i just wanted to see if you are ok? he said no, i need something to eat.(hes diabetic) his sugar was so low he was week.i told him come home and eat,he was like oneminute from the house. he came in i fed him and he got ready to leave and i told him you dont need to sleep in your car just come in and lay down at first he said no because he didnt want the kids to think he was staying and then just have to leave again.but i told him ill wake you up before they get up he agreed and layed down beside me and held me until 5 while we slept he said he was sorry he doesnt want to hurt me its not my fault im toogood a woman i dont deserve to be hurt this way, i told him then stop doing it he said he cant help it he cant let her go,he said he wantd us to grow old and be granparents toghether i told himit can still happen i still believe in him and us, that will never change my gosh ilove him so much.we have 18 years together.he said his feelings changed but i know if she wasnt there he would not be giving up so easy.i wish he would just hurry and do what he has to do so he can come home. im very glad to get your reply it gives me hope and makes me feel alot better that if it can happen for someone then why not me? i would like to hear from you again if you dont mind?

nutcase what kind of contact did you have with your H during that time did he need to know you were still there for him even though you were hurt by him ? do i always make myself available to him if he should need me or want to talk to me?or should i have as little contact as possible,with the kids nc is impossible.by reading your story and others on the board i believe it will just be a matter of time before he realizes he isnt any happier with her and she really is nothing but a tramp,he told me he loves her but when i asked her if she loved him she said no but it could lead to that, she couldnt even say she loved him if i was the ow i would at least say it to be mean. dont you think? she seems to have no conscience at all, how could he think he loved someone so different than me? I would appreceate any advice,please.

There are posts you read here that make you so mad, and some that sound wackier than fiction...and then there are those that tug at your heart and you can not but weep when you read about the pain... this is one of those posts...sheesh...

Welcome malcswife....
First of all take some time and read up about plan A...
Second make sure you are taking care of you first...
third realize that he is just babbling babble and believe nothing about his love for the OW... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
forth...do not believe for one second that he and she have this beautiful fairetale relationship....five kids...and wife he loves...man is he carrying a lot of baggage....
the reality is that escaping never works...because it's still the real "us" we face in the mirror each morning....and no one likes looking at a liar in the mirror....

So you learn baby baby baby steps to turn all the focus back on to you...
you learn that you can not control him....only yourself...
you learn to try your hardest to make each and every interaction you have be respectful and pleasant so that at the end of each phone call you hang up...and he has only a good thought about you....
you learn to quit begging and pleading....that you show him that you are strong....even in the face of great adversity...
you learn to babble back...read/search for orchids posts on babbling....

he babbles to you.... she was so uncaring and so unloving towards them.i mentioned this to him and he just said well dont you think thats because you called her?

You babble back "no I think it's because she is as mean and heartless as she sounds"...I don't expect a woman willing to be with another womans husband is very nice...do you??? bat eyes and walk away....remember to learn that batting eyelashes is different than ROLLING EYES and try to avoid the latter... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> no matter how hard...

So no relationship talk..do not appear to be waiting for him and pining for him...get busy...
do things for yourself....

show concern when you talk....but be don't over anxious to volunteer to do for....
show concern about him medically....but don't solve his problems....

picture beig the type of wife you want be...and the type of person....and if you really look at that long hard...you will most likely find that it is not someone willing to accept less that you are worth....while at the same time finding that there is a lot in you you have to offer to your spouse...because you also believe in him...and want to celebrate both gifts and talent within that relationship....

shame on his mother for taking him in ..does she kNOW about the OW....or does she just think marital discourse??

Invite him to functions with the children...show him the reality of what he faces to lose....

put your seat belt and keep your head held high...you are on the roller-coaster ride
blessings to you
ARK

Another thing, STOP BEGGING FOR HIM TO COME HOME! Doesn't work and only makes you look pitiful in the WS and OP eyes. Secondly, NO MORE CONTACT WITH OP! She owes YOU nothing, your WH does. She is not a part of the equation so stop making her a part of it and asking her about YOUR MARRIAGE. First read the books recommended. And start a PLAN A for yourself! No more begging, crying, pleading, telling him what a mistake he is making, WH is too much into the fog right now to hear anything you have to say anyway. PLAN A!

hello malc,

When my H left, the only contact I had with him was thru his sister. She had her H tell me to stop calling their home for any reason. So if I needed my H for an emergency for the kids, I had to call his work and leave a message. (I did call his sister once to tell her my D school called and they found a note that said she was going to kill herself...and that she'd been cutting herself) My SIL didn't give my H the message. I believe with my whole heart it was the two weeks of NEVER hearing from me that made him realize what he was going to lose.

NC is impossible when you share children. BUT you can keep the contact to a minimum. Speak ONLY of the kids needs...it's hard as hell to do, but I promise you, it'll make him wonder about you. The OW sounds like a "real catch!" She's destroying a family and doesn't think she loves him?!?!? Makes you wanna whack your H with the MB 2x4 doesn't it?

Hang on tight, Malc. Things WILL get better. Just know in your jeart that YOU WILL SURVIVE!!! Either with him...or without him. I know there were times I didn't believe that, I just KNEW I'd die if he left for good. But God opened my eyes and helped me heal...then gave me back my H.

Work on YOU first...THEN worry about your H.

My e-mail is nutcase3@hotmail.com if you'd like to chat sometime.
God bless

ok i read about plan a and i tried telling him what things i did not want him to do,no phone calls,no lunch dates,even though they are at work togother he said he would try and avoid her as much as possible.and i believed him i trusted him not to hurt me like that. i have told him what he is going to loose and how he will affect the childrens future.he agreed, ive tried telling him to go and he cant do it hes still here we a meeting about our daughters 6thgrade promotion and he met us there,i had a pto meeting afterwards so he agreed to bring the kids home,he mowed the lawn,and came in took a shower when i came home he was sitting on the couch i put the kids to bed while he watched tv and eventually fell asleep i got ready for bed and i just said are you ready to lay down? he said yeah and came to bed.he cant leave,and he says he cant let her go ,i only talked to her one time and she did seem like such a uncaring person very self centered.so my question is would it be wrong to let him stay and just wait until it ends on his own?because i believe it will. im not going to say a word about anything just go on with my life and enjoy what i have my kids and him even though he says he loves her,i know what he thinks he has with her is no where near what we have.im done blaming myself,feeling sorry for myself and feeling like im not good enough!!! iam going to work on me and let my children see iam a strong woman and im not going to let some other woman get in the way of our happiness.if he decides to leave i wont stop him, i wont beg him not to go. he knows what is right and what is wrong,and if he wants to choose the wrong im not going to feel bad for him anymore,if he thinks she is ever goint to make him feel as good about himself as we do he is wrong,he will never be anything without me,he is who he is because of me i made him want to be a better person,can he see that she is doing the opposite and making him want to be a bad person and do everthing that he knows is wrong.the more he leans towards her the worse he feels about himself,being with someone should make you feel good right? she does not even care about him enough to say i dont want to cause you any more pain, being together is too hard on you lets just end it she doesnt care how hard his life is all she cares about is herself! so that is my plan let him stay if he wants, work on me, and my children be my most beautiful self,let him know i love him and do enjoy being his wife.thats all i can do right? i cant tell him what to do, im done feeling sad and moping around i want to enjoy my life!! he can be misserable thats his loss!! we have been together since he was 15 i was16 and we are now 34 and in all that time he has never called me by my given name when we were dating he called me miss when we got married he called me wife,and still does he said he cant do it it tickles his insides, so i asked say her name to me he says "debbie" and then i said ok say my name now he smiles and says no, you know i cant do that. our friends sometimes would tease him and say after all these years she still gives you butterflies in your stomach? and he would just laugh, that gives me hope knowing even after all these years,just my name still has the same affect on him. now you tink im ever going to give up on a love like that?? heck no!! it makes me even more determined!!!

im sorry i forgot to say thank you, your words and concern helped alot as i hope you can tell by my last post.im so glad i found this board it really helped me understand so much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> so thank you much to nutcase ARC and trying 2-4 give, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> god bless!