I piggy-backed on my own topic first but i thought that I would start a new thread...

Something I have have been thinking about.

Let me know if my logic is flawed

Some people can, some people can't. Sometimes it is not a question of "will ________" (insert your own pronoun here) work on this marriage, it is "can _______." work on the marriage. I am not saying anything negative towards anyone or trying inflate myself ----(though if I could I wouldn't leave the house <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )----- Don't we all have some kind of built in limit or threshhold for the amount of "rebuilding" we can stand? I don't think I have anymore moxy, stick-tuitiveness or dedication than anyone else, probably a lot less. Hell, my lovely wife is one of the strongest willed people I know. I know that the previous 6 years of marriage pretty much tapped her out. She had nothing left after I got the 2x4 to the head and decided I wanted to rebuild our marriage. And then after only 6 mos of me trying with very little perceived progress, I go and have a PA. Who is the stronger person I ask?

Am I wrong in saying that I am still willing to work on my M regardless what it takes? Do I have some kind of sado-machocist thing going on? My wife called my inteligence into question yesterday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and then asked me how long I wanted to do this? I DON'T KNOW??!?!?!

How long is long eneough? I still love her, even stupid people can love. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Am I willing...yes. Am I able...I believe so. Is it worth it...Right now, at this moment, it is worth everything.

Just more thoughts....

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by d_rose:
<strong>Some people can, some people can't. Sometimes it is not a question of "will ________" (insert your own pronoun here) work on this marriage, it is "can _______." work on the marriage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unless the person in question is mentally unbalanced, I believe it's ALWAYS a question of "willing" and NOT "able." D, throughout history, we've proven that we can do things that NOONE thought was possible~ certainly we can rebuild an unstable marriage? If we can't, it's because one party wasn't WILLING to make the needed changes, have the patience, the desire, etc... I believe that even more firmly in your case. Why? Because the two of you have God there to supply you with the strength and wisdom that you need to get through it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Don't we all have some kind of built in limit or threshhold for the amount of "rebuilding" we can stand?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

Yes, we do. In the marital support group that I coordinate, we recently did a segment on "recovering without making you WHOLE life about recovering." Why? Because this can WEAR YOU OUT in the beginning. I firmly believe that people go gang-busters and wear themselves out. Take a breath, take a break! Go to dinner and a movie and DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Set relationship "talk times" and keep a little journal or list of things you'd like to address/talk about during those times. You can really feel beat down quick if every time you turn around there's yet ANOTHER issue in your relationship that you have to deal with. That was something my spouse clued me into and I am very glad he did. Also (and I love this in ALL aspects of my life) remember the "mind/butt" theory: "The mind can only retain what the butt can endure." Relationship issue talks do not have to be 5 hours long!! We do the "talk thing" for about 15 minutes a day for the good stuff: the stuff we appreciate about each other (I'll admit, I do most of the praising, but he needs it more than I do!) and then have a serious discussion on Sundays that MAYBE lasts 45 minutes. I like Sundays because so often God provides the lead-ins or solutions for us in the sermons that we listen to.

Anyway, I do think you can overdose in the short-term; however, think on this: Had there NOT been the affair, you'd have spent your whole life BUILDING your marriage... most likely sloughing off stuff that bugged you about each other because you didn't want to cause trouble. Well, guess what? The affair provided the trouble for you and now, you get the PRIVELEGE (albiet one we'd probably never choose for ourselves) of REBUILDING your marriage for the rest of your life into something that's probably stronger and better than it could have been the other way. Call me Pollyanna, but I do believe that you can overcome just about anything if you take it one step at a time and both really, really want it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Am I wrong in saying that I am still willing to work on my M regardless what it takes? Do I have some kind of sado-machocist thing going on? My wife called my inteligence into question yesterday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and then asked me how long I wanted to do this? I DON'T KNOW??!?!?!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told a counselor friend about your quote (called her, in fact, to make sure that my thoughts here were lucid) and she giggled. She said marriage IS an exercise in sado-masochism because so MUCH of marriage is about compromising what YOU want to make something WE can live with. I like that; she's right. I do a LOT of painful things I'd rather not have to do for the benefit of my marriage and my family. And about being "willing to do whatever it takes"... I think that's THE BEST THING you could say/believe in ~ and I'd tell your wife that on a regular basis (esp. in an "appreciating her" session!)

<small>[ April 08, 2003, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: TheCalypso ]</small>

Some people cannot because they will not. I'm a pretty strong believer in personal responsibility so I think that most people will not. But that doesn't seem to have much to do with your question.

I didn't see any logic flaws. If there are any flaws in your thinking, they aren't logic based. If I had to grasp, there this: I think saying "regardless of what it takes" is borderline foolish that can come off as either "awwwww, that's sweet" or "dang, he's deluding himself". Would you kill someone to save your marriage? Probably not (I don't know, maybe you would). So then your statement becomes a "deluding" thing indicative of "fog".

It might come off as more realistic if you set some timelines instead of the quixotic openness. Maybe it's stuff like this that comes off as dumb. Sweet, but dumb.

As long as you have hope about the future and/or current situation, you will probably want to try. Now, are you being a fool for having hope? Could be. I don't know enough about your situation to say.

I told a counselor friend about your quote <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

That was funney. i know that our butts have hurt plenty of times. I did throw muself head-frist into the deep end of the recovery. I probably went waaaaaay over board with my zest to meet any need she had or any need that might maybe sometime be a possibility down the road if the stars lined up on the 4th tuesday past the winter solstice. I went nuts.

I told a counselor friend about your quote

I told mine that to day too, she also laughed in agreement.

About doing "anything it takes" come on est <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I get your point. I'm not gonna ram stuff under my fingernails or anything like that. I guess that phrase does get thrown around a lot..like I'll love you for ever or "for better or worse" <-------insert rimshot here.

est...."quixotic" I havent heard that word since, hell I don't remember. I don't know if I like being referred to as a delusional spaniard paired with donkey riding knave.

Hope I have...patience I have, hair and weight I am losing.

Thanks for the posts guys...i am in a pretty good way today....isn't therapy wonderful...along with those purple smiley faced pills

Calypso,

In my sitch, my lovely wife was willing for a long time prior to the A's. Why I didn't notice she was working on our M, I don't know. Maybe she was doing it wrong or I was just hard-headed, probably a little of both.

I know it is possible for us to build a very stable marriage. My counselor, who has seen us together a couple of times, is amazed with the progress we had been making. My A and the dishonesty that accompanied it just brought back memories of the patterns that have effected our marriage. I have changed, I know it and I believe she does too. I have said this in the past and not really meant it.

Time will tell, time heals all wounds(depending what you do with the time), time after time, time to make the donuts and time to keep trying.

d_rose,

Very interesting question, one I have asked myself over and over in my 25-year relationship. Just when I am completely exhausted with trying to work things out, and I've practically given up, my H comes through and starts trying harder.

The key is to know when to relax about it, and let him/her take over. For me, it's all about having faith that I will be okay, and telling myself that trying harder will not get me the results I want. Because I know, when I try harder, I'm really trying to control the situation. So I focus that energy on myself, by exercising, reading, anything to keep busy and stop obsessing. And most important of all, having some fun!

Hope that helps. That's what works for me. If my partner sees I am happy within myself, it takes a LOT of pressure off him, and makes working on the marriage less like work.

Good luck,
Misty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks Misty,

I know that this is the case, that backing off a bit and let things happen. it is just hard to do that when you see things slipping away.

I need to find a hobby or something. I plan on throwing myself full bore into some home projects(fence and a deck to start with). I am sure that I will be o.k., we still have a chance to have "a marriage without regrets"(book).

What I am coming to realize is...what I want is really only important to me.