Don't know what is up lately... but I guess my love bank is draining...

I have noticed sparks of interest in a few men lately, and some have just met me.

Maybe it is that I am taking better care of myself and i don't seem so depressed?

Also I am tired of sob story that I tell everyone about my seperation and how serious and down it is...

So , I have met some new people, some in new social activities to get me out of the house and out of the doldrums... One in a particular who probably thinks I am single.

So tired of my down and out sob story, and hate to turn away possible interest by a nice man... when I am so so alone.

But still in counseling with wh.. there seems to be hope, but no idea of when or where that is.

The latest is wh wants to save M... he hangs onto his ideas that I am too emotional, violents, etc. I have been called violent one too many times by the man I love, wh that is... Sure I lost it at least once in the last 18 months, but I do not have a violent nature... etc. I am tired of not being consdiered the sweet person I am that just wants to love and be loved fairly in return.

Wh has invited me over to sf sessions a couple of times this week. I have told him I will not do that anymore until he is committed to our marriage.. that in itself scares me.. b/c he might stray again if I don't fill this need... I had been on rare occassiom filling this need and also having sleepovers at wh apartment. I can't take it anymore, when it seems cak e and eat it too, and when there is no move towards coming home. He seems to enjoy those times, but for me, they got hurtful and less intimate when I knew he was not being a real h to me. I hated it, and the sf got bad for me.

Anyway, I know I should not go on dates, but the possibility of a d is growing realer.. with a wh in counseling who says he wants the marriage... I do too, but he is still in denial over his drinking and where that puts our marriage.. I still feel lied to regarding his self employed income and also his drinking, and who knows what else?

I would like to be special to someone.. during the last few yr s of my marriage when he was home and waters were troubled I turned several eligible men away.. yes, b/c i was / am married... I hate continuing to do this for WHAT? I do not want to be a cheat, but I guess I am getting lonely, and I am worried that I may be a ws if I don't watch out.

I hate it... but this is getting hard to be so alone, almost starts to seem like getting a d would not be so bad.

Moving to more of a plan b.. b/c no more sleepovers or sf , and less contact with wh, I am letting him do the asking out or plan making which is not happening a whole lot this week anyway. and not at all last week bc I came down with some boundaries on the drinking and he got mad.

So anyway, pushing him away with my boundaries, so fearful of losing him and feeling alone.

Advice friends?

Thanks, H

Honey,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Moving to more of a plan b.. b/c no more sleepovers or sf , and less contact with wh, I am letting him do the asking out or plan making which is not happening a whole lot this week anyway. and not at all last week bc I came down with some boundaries on the drinking and he got mad.

So anyway, pushing him away with my boundaries, so fearful of losing him and feeling alone.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is a great idea, even if Plan B is gradual by nature and not cutting him off (and cutting you off) all at once.

Plan B comes with major risks and consequences though and you have to be ready to accept them. You seem to be becoming more and more willing.

Your urge to possibly start dating may give you a little push towards Plan B also. There really are a lot of good men out there. Men that are already shaped and molded to suit you to a tee.

jmho,
tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

hey! did ya notice?...no 2x4 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

First of all, with the one man in particular you've met that probably thinks you are single, aren't you still wearing your wedding ring? (You are still married.) I have felt like taking mine off SO many times, but I figure so long as I'm married, I'm keeping it on. I do this for a couple of reasons: 1) to demonstrate to my H that I am still committed to him; 2) to make it clear to the world that I'm still married, even if I am separated. That's just my whole take on rings though.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Wh has invited me over to sf sessions a couple of times this week. I have told him I will not do that anymore until he is committed to our marriage.. that in itself scares me.. b/c he might stray again if I don't fill this need... I had been on rare occassiom filling this need and also having sleepovers at wh apartment. I can't take it anymore, when it seems cak e and eat it too, and when there is no move towards coming home. He seems to enjoy those times, but for me, they got hurtful and less intimate when I knew he was not being a real h to me. I hated it, and the sf got bad for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh Honey, I hear you loud and clear. I've had it too with my H wanting sleepovers for SF, but not being willing to be a real H to me. I've tried hard to not give in to my H's requests for sleepovers and SF, but failed a few times. Now I've decided if I don't draw the line, he'll keep on "cake eating", and not bother to treat me more like his W, because he doesn't have to. I'm moving to plan B too. I just haven't had the nerve to give him the letter yet.

Like your H, my H's drinking problems continue as well. I try to be tactful about my boundaries in that area, and do things like end phone calls when I find out he is drunk, but that makes him go ballistic. He had the nerve to demand an apology from me for ending a call last week b/c he was drunk (he even confessed that he was!).

I think you are wise leaving it up to him to contact you to invite you out on dates. (I wish my H would invite me out on dates, he only wants private sleep-over or brief SF dates for some reason.)

It's interesting to know that there are TWO men in this world that want to continue to drink lots and have sex with their wives, but can't be bothered to treat us well. I'm just as fed up as you Honey, if not more. I too dream of finding someone else who'll appreciate me and treat me better.

Keep your chin up, and draw those boundaries (hard as it may be, as I know from experience)!

Jen

PS: Here's a related quote I came across this week:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you settle for less than you deserve, you GET less than you settle for....Don't settle for less than your very best!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 08:07 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Hey there Honey,

Just wanted to say that I think those feelings are natural. Don't beat yourself up or feel guilty for having those emotions. Now acting on those emotions is another story <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> !

Stay the course....it's all happening according to His plan, not yours.

Gib

PS. Put your wedding ring back on.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Call it a hunch...

Thanks for all replies, from your responses.. maybe I am feeling a little healthier? I do feel like it, a bit- anyway.

No, I should not go on dates, I know that.. but feel like my life is way too long on hold for ws.

Thanks for letting me know your H is of similar mindset Jen, boy does that sound familiar...

Very very tired. WH does on occasion ask me to lunch or dinner, but after last week- when I put my foot down on drinking, he didn't.

He still showed up for wkly counseling but was a little less positive than he was the week before when I had spent more time with him and spent the nite... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Maybe he is just mad, he can't have his cake? I know demanding he quit drinking won't work, but I can put my boundaries up for the kids protection, esp. with drinking and driving and reasonable expectations on how he supervises the kids on their visits and drinking at those times. I can leave when he drinks, or get off the phone if he appears to be inbibing... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyway, unfortunatley he seems to get mad that I don't put up with his lifestyle choices, and the latest last nite was that he wants to be married, but doesn't want to answer to me///? FOG? Well seriously, I don't think he should answer to me.. but I do think... he should be committed and loving and intimate if married to me...
I am not at all getting that right now.

I guess men can exist on sf and no real relationship? Is that a taker?

Anyway, gotta go b/c I am at work, more later... thanksf or the comments.

Oh yea, the wedding ring, I do put it on .. on rare occssion... and almost would feel strange wearing it. I do not at all feel married. I will consider wearing it though- esp. if out socially, and maybe on contact with that certain mr. interesting... Thanks Gib.

honey

Honey,
If you get asked out, you can say no.

You are married.
Honorable married people don't date.
Separated is married.
Divorcing is married.

You don't date because it is dishonorable. And your honor is yours, and does not depend on the crummy behavior of your H.

If you want to start dating, start the divorce first.

That's what I did...and I still feel lousy about it. It just made more of a mess of my life and dragged yet another person into our marriage.

H & I did reconcile and not only was there an OW, there was an OM...and H & I both had all the issues of being both wayward & betrayed.

And, really for me, for you, after dealing with a WS for 18 months or so, ANYONE can seem nice. The FOM was very nice and had a lot of free time for me. And immediately my desire to reconcile with my spouse--which I still had despite serving the D papers--took a dive and made reconciliation much more unlikely and, as I said, more difficult when it did take place.

Talked you out of it yet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would not consider it dishonorable to date while a divorce was pending. The legal wheels are in motion and there is a committment to end the marriage.

My divorce took 13 months. I saw no dishonor for either of us to begin a new relationship during that period. Life goes on. I was not a WS btw so I am not speaking from that POV.

I agree that Honey may want to seriously consider waiting until divorce proceedings are initiated before considering a date. Once papers are filed, I would no longer consider a newly developing relationship to be an affair or OM.

Of course Honey is no where near ready to serve papers so all this is moot.

Lor...this is jmho. I'm not in any way arguing your POV.

jmho,
tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

edited to add: There are a myriad of OTHER reasons NOT to date until the divorce is final. I simply do not find it dishonorable to do so once the process is started.

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

ba,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lor...this is jmho. I'm not in any way arguing your POV.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah, shoot, and I love a good rumble <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I'll admit my opinion may have been slightly different had I gone through with the divorce instead of reconciling after starting the D & dating. I told myself it was ok to see the FOM because the D was in progress. I now think I was wrong (dishonorable) and wish I had waited until the D was final, which of course it never was!

Reconciled or divorced I believe I would have rather had a cleaner slate. Plus I live in a 60 day no fault D state, so the wait wasn't likely to have been more than a few months.

Will and should be saying no, but believe me, I was starting to consider a date.... at this point!!!

Anyway WH knows I am nearing the end of my rope and that more effot must come forth or I am giving up.

So that is that, let's see what he does with that info.

Honey

Honey, you are really not available to date, emotionally or legally. It is a dangerous trap to get into especially when you are in limbo like you are. Nor would it be fair to the other person knowing how much you still care about Jim. The big danger with rebound relationships is that it is SO easy to become infatuated when you taste water after being dehydrated so long. When that happens, you pretty much ruin any chance of reconcilation and end up hurt again when relationship #2 dies out.

Its much better to start dating when the marriage is over and you are a WHOLE person again.

Believe me, I learned this the hard way because I am married to Mr Rebound, the first man I dated only 3 weeks after my DH of 20 years left me. I was engaged before my divorce was even final!

Honey,

I think that having men interested in you is a great thing!! Seriously what a boost to your confidence, and a bit of outside proof that your hard work on yourself is paying off.

Absolutely I don't think you should act on their interest. I just think it's great for you to see that there's a big world out there of possibility if you make the choice to move on with your life!

A healthier, happier you is far more attractive than an anxious, depressed version! Use that positive energy to continue improving your life, and the life of your boys!! CSue

opb Lor,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ah, shoot, and I love a good rumble .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So do I Lor. I'm just not myself today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I know I left my stiletto around here someplace. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Actually, I fully agree with you on a different point...on a different thread...but your point could well be made here on Honey's thread too.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There is no justification for you to have an affair. None.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honey,
Your patience seems to be running thin with your H. Do yourself a favor though and don't stoop to his level by dating at this point. You would be better served by initiating Plan B and see just where it is that he stands. So long as you continue to let him straddle the fence nothing will change.

jmho,
tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />