I am a BS, who find out in February that H was having an EA and PA with OW in another state, where he had to travel on business. There have been additional revelations, as well. H has made tearful apologies, has begged me not to leave, says he wants to work on marriage and claims he's committed "110%" to "doing whatever it takes." He is also incarcerated for 50 days for a "white collar" offense that could cost him his bar license.

I have been angry, tearful, regretful and all the other things BS's are under these circumstances. I have my first IC session this evening. While I want to give this another chance, I have been vacillating between packing up his crap and throwing it out the door and telling him he won't have a home to return to.

My dilemma is this. Lately, I noticed that I other men have been checking me out and obviously find me attractive. I've been told that I look like singer Toni Braxton. I also find myself smiling back and eyeing them, too. And, I'm ashamed to admit that I enjoy the attention! Is it normal for BS's to seek validation from others that they've still "got it going on?" As you can imagine, my self-esteem has been shot all to pieces with H's betrayals, and I'm terrified that the eye-flirting and smiling will pick up and cause me to do something foolish. Is this fear a normal one, and what can I do beyond what I've already been doing--praying and daily affirmations of my self-worth--to make sure that I don't make a mistake that I will live to regret?

Any advice anyone has would be appreciated!

JR,

I know exactly what you mean. I felt so un what ever that i actually thought about going out. It would be easy for me but so far i have restrained. Its bad enought that my WH is parading ow in an out of my childrens lifes. I don't need to add to that. I understand completely.
Sara

Let them look but don't start talking to them. I started talking and loved the attention that I was getting and before you knew it I went from BS to WS. The pain is much worse and for a moment of pleasure I have mortgaged my marriage and my daughter's future.

god bless

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

Uh...did you say Toni Braxton???

No, seriously. I think that the devil is playing with your mind. He has set the stage for you to do something that will ultimately destroy your marriage or else damage it very badly. Your H has cheated, he's in jail, you're looking good and men are noticing you. The stage is set. In fact, if you were to ask me, I think it would only be a matter of time before you have an A yourself. But you have realized and admitted before you made that move so it may not be too late. All I can say is, concentrate on your marriage. Think about the closeness two people, man and wife, share and be proud that you are married and that you have never had an affair (if you haven't). Find comfort in knowing that you are, in a sense, your husband's virgin in a sense. Cherish that, Toni. Believe me, as a man, we would say ALL kind of stuff to get into a woman. Those looks and what have you, run from them. You will save yourself a lot of pain.

Thanks for the advice, everyone! I just wasn't sure if I was the only one who ever felt like this. I definitely don't want to damage my marriage anymore than it already is, particularly if H is willing to work on it.

Solon, thank you for your answer from a male point of view! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I know that the devil has all kinds of tricks, and I will strive to remain true to my vows.

I know exactly what you mean, Jazzey. The main thing that stops me is that I know that despite H's betrayals, he would be absolutely devastated if I "returned the favor." I simply can't do that to him. I just wish he had shown me the same consideration!

I have been just going straight home in the evenings and preparing for the next day. Church has also been a source of comfort, but there are a few serpents there, too!

I'm glad you tackled this subject because I have noticed the very same things happening to me as well.

I never really paid attention to the fact that men might turn their heads at me. But after d/day for me, I took off my wedding ring. I don't know if that has anything directly to do w/ guys checking me out or if it's my vulnerablity presently.

BUT... I can say for sure that because I have been going to great lengths to work on myself, I am feeling less and less insecure. I have become fit, have read lots concerning our situation, have sought counseling, have a great support system that holds me up, and I have grown TREMDOUSLY Spiritually.

It's so weird to me that anyone would even look my way, you know b/cause I never paid attention. But one guy asked me out directly, friends have told me men have inquired about my marital status, and now I recognize when a man is looking my way.

Now, I know I am in a very dangerous place now but honestly I know I must refrain for these reasons:

1. I am a Christian(and have enough sin to already deal with)

2. It would invalidate all of my hard work toward bettering myself and save my marriage.

3. I believe that if I did what my WS did, he would be the one w/ the last laugh. And as we all know WS's cannot win! We wouldn't be here seeking advice if that was the goal.

4. I just couldn't devestate my kids anymore than what's already occured.

5. Any man I would hook up w/ at this point would have to take on all the excess baggage that I didn't process before getting involved w/ him.

6. And... YUCK!!!! The grass is definitely not greener. What kind of crap would I be subjecting myself and kids to by taking on another relationship?

If anyone has any other to add to the list, feel free. Then we can write these all down to remind us exactly why we need to keep our heads on straight.

Dr. Harley has made very clear that after d-day the BS is a prime target for an A themselves. I recommend reading everything you can on this site and even buying a book or two offered here. Surviving and Affair is good. It is normal to feel this way, I don't think there is a BS who didn't have these fleeting thoughts at one pointe or another, just be careful not to act on them. Otherwise, we become what we fight so hard to overcome.

MTD

Very common JR, and I think most BS's have entertained the "what if I did that" thoughts. But I know, in my heart, I could not only NOT do that to him----I couldn't do that to ME! I have to be able to look myself in the mirror each day and be comfortable with the person looking back at me.

Don't make any major decisions or seek life-altering events until your H is able to be home and work things out with you, whichever way you choose. Your discovery is new, not even two months old, so the pain is still raw. Having him away from home and unable to discuss this with you makes it even harder. Take this time to read all sections of this site and the suggested books. Learn all about relationships, so when your H is home, you can make a decision weighing all your options.

Good luck to you and stay strong!!

U R not weird nor should you be ashamed. Just be careful. ok?

Betcha glad to know you still got it right??!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

JR01, I think we need that validation to feel better about ouselves after a S had and A.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying the attention. Just don't let it go too far.
I'd bet most of us BS's get eyed often. Too bad our WS's can't appreciate what they have!
God bless and don't feel bad. You deserve the looks and just enjoy it. Sort of boost the old self esteem back a bit from being ground into the dirt!
It's nice to know they still look at us! The Other Men that is. LOL Strangers though they are.
LouLou