Are there any husbands on this site that are the cheaters? I want to know why it seems that the men don't seem concerned about the wives. Like not even bothering to call to see if I' m ok, not going home to stay (I have moved out, he has yet to go home even without me being there!).
I mean, how come you guys are so cold and calloused. And WHY do you DEFEND the person you are having an affair with when confronted!
Telling ME I shouldn't be at HER house??? How about YOU BUDDY!

<small>[ April 13, 2003, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: harmonyj ]</small>

harmonyj,

I see you are new. I am glad you found this site.

I am a WS. Up until dec 02 I was a BS. This disease isn't relegated just to men. A's are selfish, uncaring and cruel to everyone involved. I can't or wont defend why I had one because I have no reason. I got a million excuses but no reasons.

Truth is IMVHO...if he didn't care enough about you to have the affair why do you think he will call to see if you are o.k.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh but I went through the same thing. I would check my cell phone almost hourly to see if she called. Everytime I heard the chime that I had an email I would hope it was her. I was letting her A run my life. My whole life revolved around how she treated me. It hurt a little more everytime I expected her to show remorse or compassion towards me and it didn't happen. I know that it is hard to separate your feelings from this, easier said than done. i got that same advice over and over and didn't really take it.

She didn't care about me when she was involved w/ OM. And I showed no respect for her when I had my A.

I don't know that this really answers your question or not but I have a different perspective than alot of people here.

<small>[ April 13, 2003, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

Hon, my husband had the affair. He didn't care about me and the kids. He called us names when we got in his way with the other woman. He went ballistic, and like d_rose said, he didn't care, cause he was only wishing that she would call.

Don't expect your hsuband to be there. If you were to die, I wouldn't expect him to be at your funeral. I was dealing with a very sick father, that eventually died turning my husband affair. His other woman was so active in his life, and I was dealing with my dad during the affair. My husband didn't care the hurt I was experiencing everyday. My father didn't care that I was hurting. I wanted my husband to hold me and talk with me. I wanted my husband to hold me at night and let me fall asleep on his arm. But no, didn't happen.

Hon, he doesn't care right now. He doesn't care if you get injured. He doesn't care if you are ill. He doesn't care if you are scared. He doesn't care if you are mentally hurting. He will only care about himslef, and the other woman.

I hate to say this Hon, but it is the truth, I dealt with it, like many other BS's, and it was not easy at all. I felt like I was going crazy, and had to get on Anti-D.

My hsuband told me during the affair, get a grip on life and don't go on Anti-D. But now he will tell others to get some Anti-D. to help you out. See that is one example of the change.

Get counseling, and get some everyday help. Talk to your pastor, or get in a group, or a close good frined. And have a cry on that friends shoulder everyday if needed.

I wished I had a friend to cry out to. I did the opposite, which was wrong, all my friends told me I should of not done that. But I didn't want them to get taken down with my depression and withdrew.

This is hard Hon, and I hope you stay here to get the help you need.

Please other Wayward husbands, can you give this lady some help. She needs it.

Harmony, your not dealing with the man you know at present..I have heard references within these pages to the such of likening their behaviour to to those who have been abducted by aliens.

Your husband is deep in this Fog business...he cant see and think for it... though he probably thinks he can.. You will hear no doubt some of the most unkind words spring from his mouth.... we as all BS's have heard seen it and copped, his behavior is so odd... its all part of the Affair. You could even be blamed for the affair ( by the way never cop that one, your husband owns his own choices). Its like they read from a WS"s script. I refered to their behaviour once as kindred lemmings.

Try as hard as it is to take no notice, because he just hasnt got a clue nor a grip on reality right now... hes living in la la land.

have you made any steps towards a MC... if not do so.ASAP

And I do wish you well with your meeting with your husband tomorrow.

Take care Dino.

ps .. my husband did care and love me throughout his affair and he still acted like a [censored].

Right now I am the BS and I am going throuh hell. The 1st 5 years of our marriage my H cheated on me with people he didn't even know. I had an A in August 2001 with a guy that lived in another state I knew from work. Then I would talk to him on the phone and that was it, but enough. I would talk to him every now and then from August until February. Probably about 3 times. Then in June 2002 my H started seeing OW and continued to right in front of my face. I found out in August 2002. Now he is living with her, he came back 2x's only to just take off with out without warning and go back to her. Now this last time he left I am going through hell with the both of them. He is telling me I am a slut, no one loves me, everyone hates me, my friends think I am crazy. I have begged and pleaded and told him how sorry I was and how much I have learned from all this. He just throws what I did in my face all the time and I hate what I did, and how I let the people down that I love especially my kids and my H. He shows no remorse for what he is doing and said I drove him to it.

So right now, I just have to accept the way he is acting. Just take one minute at a time. I keep breaking down and crying, thinking about how little he cares for my feelings and well being right now. Then I have to snap myself out of it. I went over to our house today, he is at work, and I sat there and cried for two hours. Then my dad called and told me to get the hell out of there. I can't believe this is happening.

Living minute to minute is hard but sometimes you might have to. Try and do stuff for yourself.

If you can, don't judge progress in hours or even days...hell even a week might be a stretch. My lovely wife was all over the place trying to figure stuff out and I went on the ride right along with her. It is hard to detach your self from how they feel about you but in essence that is exactly it...how THEY feel about you and it is probably going to change often.

HarmonyJ,
I hope things go well when you speak with your h today. BTW-I believe it would be legally beneficial if you stayed in your house.

Well you are going to hear from trained professional...or thru reading books..that "affairs are not about you" but given the fact you get run over by the semi-truck with the red state of adultery license plate there is little comfort in those words.

Painfully persons involved in affairs "Don't Think Period" for if they did most of them, not all, probably would try and work on their marriages rather than have an affair.

I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS, I REFUSE TO GIVE UP, I WILL BE OKAY, MY MARRIAGE WILL BE OKAY, I WILL BE OKAY.
dammit, i will be okay. i will be okay. i think that if i type it enough it will come true.

I have to agree with d_rose. I suggest that you do things for yourself and try not to focus everything you have on a rotten situation that you probably have little or no control over. In most (if not all) cases, WS's are completely absorbed in their A that they have no real sense of what is reality.
I, for one, realize how important my family is to me. I love my wife and daughter so much. I find it hard to believe that I did what I did (to them, etc.). There is no god reason for people to have A's. I personally believe that each person (potential WS and BS) should try to do everyhting in their power to fix things within a M. I think that open lines of comunication make a big difference. If I had had the insight into myself that I do now, I would hope that my A would never have happened. I have found the ENQ and LBQ to be very helpful. These are tools that everyone should use, regardless if there is an A in the picture or not.

To answer your questions, though, anyone involved in an A has little to no sense of true sight, especially concerning those who are dearest to them. It is a disgusting truth. My head was so far stuck up my butt that it makes me sick to think that I almost lost my family, not to mention the hell that I put them through.

I can only work to get better, to be a better person (husband and father).

I am eternally thankful for my family (W and D). I also have strengthened my connection with God. I know that part of my life was missing as well, also might have prevented my A. I would hope so.

Sorry for rambling on.

Good Luck

HarmonyJ,

First of all I would strongly advice you to keep up your spirit. Afterall, Happiness is a state of mind and external factors will disturb you only if you will allow them to. Having said that, it is easier said than done. But it is possible. Hang in there!

I am a WS in my M of 28 y. I know how senseless it is to indulge in EMS. I feel, one gets completely blinded by self-centred ego cum lust. At least I did and I sincerely regret. However, I deeply regret the pain, sorrow and trauma I caused to my immediate family members (Wife- BS, Daughter and Son). I only hope they can forgive me at some point of time. Even if they do not I will live with the situation.

My BS wife has not been able to overcome the A till date. Our DDay was two years back and the EMS' in question were at least 22 years and 11 year s back. But these were there and I am responsible for these irresponsible acts.

I hope you can get over the present predicament and pray to Almighty to shower His blessings on you.