After 5 years of my doing Plan A, my FWH finally decided that he wants us to renew our vows.
While I'm happy about it, I'm surprised that I'm not jumping for joy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I was rather down in the dumps over the past few days, and Sunday night, I just boo-hooed, although I didn't let H know I was crying.
Yesterday morning, I was still depressed, and H noticed that my eyes were puffy. He asked what was wrong, and I just told him that I was fine.
When we were going to lunch, he asked me again what the matter was, and I couldn't tell him. He said that he couldn't help me fix it if I didn't tell him what was wrong. I just told him that it was something nobody could fix and that I was OK. He then said, "I'll perk you up tonight, if you'll come on to bed." I said, "All right."
He caught my unenthusiasm and asked if our sex life was the problem. I told him that the sex was fine, but the problem was his just waiting for me to get into bed and then reaching for me, or else summoning me to the bedroom.
After lunch, he asked me if I would marry him if I had to do it all over again. I told him that knowing what I know now, probably not; but, that if I did, I would do a whole lot of things differently. He said, "I'd do things differently, too." Then, he went on to say that he would marry me if he had it to do over again, and then he said, "And, I want to marry you again."
I looked at him with tears rolling down my cheeks, and asked, "For real?" He said, "Yes."
I asked him why he changed his mind, and he said, "I just did. Because I love you, and I want to make you happy." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
So, I'm happy that he wants us to do this...and yes, last night, he did reaffirm that he wants us to renew our vows. I guess I would be happier if he had asked me sometime when I WASN'T depressed, so I would know that it wasn't just to get me out of the funk I was in.
As for the funk I've been in, it is due to the realization that there are only 2 people in this world that I trust enough to spill my guts to about anything. Both are my best friends, and one lives 300 miles away and the other is dying of cancer (which I'm sure is part of my grief). I love my mom and she loves me, but she would blab my problems to the rest of my family. My older sister would empathize too much with me, and my other sister would just tell me to get over it.
Now, before we renew our vows, I need to regain enough trust in my H to be able to talk to him about how I feel without worrying that doing so will come back to bite me in the butt. I already trust that he is no longer cheating, but this is a different kind of trust. I need to be able to tell him how I FEEL without either his taking it as a personal reflection on him or being afraid that he will use my feelings against me in the future (as he has done with regard to my insecurity over my family relationships).
So, I'm now faced with the task of trying to accept my responsibility in our lack of emotional intimacy and open myself back up to my H.
How do I get rid of my almost paralyzing fear of betrayal and do this? I hope my H is more amenable to hearing me out now, but I'm still afraid of sharing with him.
