well i have posted a couple of times well on the 13th of this month my h told me he was thinking of divorce and so i spent the last 48 hours awake thinking about it and crying. then he told me that i was to far into being who i am. He also said that he couldn't go with out having sex (he cheated on me and i just can't seem to be intimate with him i have tried)i am seeing a therapist to get over it and to fix my sexual problems (but i guess the progress is to slow). he wrote me a letter telling me that if i can fix those thing that we have a chance.

then last night he sits me down and tells me that he changed his mind that he doesn't want a divorce that he didn't know what got into him and at the time i was so relieved (i spent 48 hours wide awake) then i just started to think how do you change your mind in a drop of a hat how do i trust that he doesn't want a divorce that he is just not wanting to cause an uproar i mean how can somebody who is giving ultimatums change his mind?

i mean don't get me wrong i don't want a divorce but at the same time i don't want to get my heart ripped out of my chest i am so confused and hurt i want to cry then i don't. i don't even know if this makes any since to you guy's because it barely makes since to me.

i just don't understand. i don't understand how you can be to much of yourself.i want to thank you guys for reading my ramblings

stephanie

Confused-

Hey, no need to apologize for rambling on these forums, we all do!! You've come to the right place for advice and comfort, just be persistent until you get some answers. In the meantime, have you done any reading on the subject of dealing with your H's infidelity? Has he? Would you consider counseling? I'd highly recommend if you guys can afford it as it can help you understand and deal with things more effectively. Good luck to you and god bless!

Dear Confused,
I really can't say why or for that matter how anyone can "just change their mind" so quickly. I am sure it is not a snap decision on your H's part. I can't count how many times in the heat of arguments that both myself and H have tried to throw in the towel. I know in my heart and mind and soul that I don't want to get a D, but that doesn't mean there aren't times that I don't say it out of hurt or anger. I am both the WS and the BS....not a fun place to be. I took his betrayel way worse than he seemed to take my betrayel. I don't know why exactly. I am sure there will be days when you feel like it isn't always worth the sleepless nights you are having, it is natural to feel that way. Love is the best and worst thing that happens to us. I hope your H means it when he says he wants it to work. I am sure if he has told you he does then he means it from the heart. His mouth just opened at the wrong time when he had not thought about what he was saying. I know how it is to be confused and hurt and aching with so much pain that I feel I can't breath, or eat or sleep and like everyone says, it does get better. Day by day. I hope this helps you a little bit. MB's site has opened my eyes to so many ways of coping. I even forward things to my H so that he knows I am still trying to do what I can to get through it! Just take care of yourself....sleep is important. Staying healthy is something YOU can do, not HIM. Good Luck and I will pray for you!

thank you for responding i just kept reposting the same thing i tell you i have no clue as to get people to help me and you did thank you

as for my problems yes i have tried to get him to go to counseling with me but he say's he does not have any problems i have read a great deal about infidetly but it doesn't change the fact i have no clue as to what to do about trusting that he is telling me the truth about him not wanting a divorce because i love him with all my heart but i don't want to get hurt i don't think i could take it you know i mean it hurts to know that he even thought about it but how do i get myself to trust that he is being truthful i don't know thanks again and if anyone else has any idea's or supportive suggestions i would love to hear them i need to hear them

thank you
stephanie

we were laying on the beach joking and laughing when he said why don't we get a divorce and me being an idiot thought he was joking and when his son said what are you guy's talking about he said divorce and then his son said are you guy's getting a divorce and i said no and he said maybe we were calm up to that point we were having a relaxing day at the beach no fighting or cruel words just being together when he said it so that is why it is so hard to trust that he is at fact being honest when he changed his mind

thank you stephanie

Confused,
You don't have to trust right now. In fact, you'd be a little crazy to do so at this point. Even Dr. Harley says total trust is not a goal, he & his wife don't practice it...so lack of trust when your H was unfaithful and asking for a divorce last week is absolutely normal.

If your husband is concerned that you don't trust him, his job is to behave trustWORTHily and consistantly over a period of time, months at the minimum. He has done nothing yet to earn your trust back.

If you want to restore your marriage, then your job is to give him the opportunity to do so and on your part don't lovebust or behave otherwise negatively.

It's scary for kids to overhear their parents talking about divorce and since your H said "maybe" you are getting a divorce when your kid asked, the 2 of you should probably have an age appropriate talk with him.

Confused-

Sounds like all you're getting from him is a bunch of babble and double-speak so tune him out if you can. Try to be cordial and address those things about yourself that you'd like to improve.

There are a few other posts that are discussing the absolute futility of trying to make sense of every little thing a WS does or says. It's not good for your emotional well-being to try and make sense of the actions of a irrational person. Stop trying and you'll begin to heal...