I posted part of this as a response to another question. I thought I'd do a reality check about how useful my current thinking is. So here goes:

My Plan A was brief (3 weeks) before he moved out and, after a few days, in with OW. He's been living with her for about three weeks.

Any overtures from him (email, typically, so far once a week but received second email in two days today) I reply warmly -- with more warmth than I have received. Then I let it drop. He does, too -- I think he's scared of me, on some level, or doesn't want to "disappoint" me (too late, already has!), or doesn't know what he's doing. I try with increasing discipline not to mind-read or psychoanalyze him. I try not to read anything into any overtures. I don't connect any dots. Too much wishful thinking, on my part, to be accurate.

I'm not serving any of his ENs, obviously, but I am, I hope, keeping a thin line of communication open. I think the A will detonate, but not this soon, and not necessarily to my advantage.

One of the best pieces of advice from this site: you'll go nuts if you try to read his temperature day by day, hour by hour. Look at general trends: he is living with her, not with me. He has not moved a matchstick back into the house since he left. So I can't at this point dream of a miraculous turnaround.

But I still want to keep my options open, for MY sake. I don't want to move to a real Plan B, because it closes off my options and makes it too easy for him to forget all about me, which he tends to do, anyway (and did with previous divorces). I am making no commitments -- don't know if I could have him back, even if he wanted to return. He would have to make some important turnarounds, and I don't see any evidence of that yet.

But I am trying very hard to check out of the mindreading business, and the psychoanalysis business. I'm trying to move on. I'm expecting we won't be together -- but I'm open to the possibility we might.

I'm not being anything but chatty and friendly in emails (and not even much of that), his tend to be somewhat terse and even businesslike, but that's fine. I try to be grateful for any small kindness. No protestations of love or begging. No asking for anything.

Is there anything more I should or could be doing? At this point, I'm hesitant to do anything that would invest too much more energy in this. I'll escalate when I see a little escalation on his side.

<small>[ April 15, 2003, 11:29 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
....But I still want to keep my options open, for MY sake. I don't want to move to a real Plan B, because it closes off my options and makes it too easy for him to forget all about me, which he tends to do, anyway (and did with previous divorces). I am making no commitments -- don't know if I could have him back, even if he wanted to return. He would have to make some important turnarounds, and I don't see any evidence of that yet.

Orchid: Options? Right now you don't have many. Concentrate on the ones within your control. Don't worry about fixing him. In fact it maybe better for you to let the OW meet all his needs. Now you need to know what those needs are so you may have a bit of homework. Other than that you need to keep yourself healthy and protect your family including the financial piece. Don't assume he is looking out for any of his family's interest. Remember the OW may want a piece of your pie or the whole enchilada.

Plan B doesn't limit your options, in fact it helps provide relief of a burden you may not realize is weighing very heavily on your shoulders. Once it starts to be removed you will notice the difference.

Is there anything more I should or could be doing? At this point, I'm hesitant to do anything that would invest too much more energy in this. I'll escalate when I see a little escalation on his side.

Orchid: I think my answer above covered your questions. Don't be hestitant to move forward. Sometimes it serves as a wake up call. Also don't be surprised if he accuses you of abandoning him. More babble talking coming your way.... so be prepared.

By the way, if you are going to wait for him to escalate, you may be waiting a long time. Do you want to do that?

take care,
L.

Thanks, Orchid!

No, I'm not particularly waiting for him to escalate. Two emails in two days is unusual, and that may be putting a little more juice in my veins, hence the comment. I try not to take these reactions of mine seriously. When I hear from him, there's always a little frisson of "maybes..." -- I just try not to leap to the conclusion that anything has changed. I don't think anything has.

I felt a release from the burden within days after he moved out.

No, there will have to be a crash and burn, leaving a smoking hole in the ground before anything would be resurrect-able, and that's a long shot. Some days I hope, some days not. But I try to see it as MY biorhythms, not any reflection of his situation.

Orchid, Are you suggesting I give up? OW does want the whole enchilada, I think, but I am 98% certain it will give her incredible heartburn.

AM,

Then let her have the heartburn and hold the pepto back. Add extra jalapeno's. Awwhhh forget those, add harbenaros (sp??). She needs to burp it out!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You may have to act like you have given up. At least learn to move forward. It is healthier for you.

No Ow wants to see the BS succeed.

L.

<small>[ April 15, 2003, 11:39 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

AM-

You sound like you REALLY have it together.

I think that this is 80% of the battle.

The best suggestion that I can give being one that has walked through that hateful FOG is to simply treat yourself with all of the love that you would normally have given to your H. Try to fill that empty space that is now in your life up with fun.

Read as much as you can too. An education will REALLY change your perspective about a lot of things....

YOU my dear, are doing wonderfully!

AM,
I think you've got a good attitude, nice when contact happens, not stewing too much the rest of the time.

If you can stay in this mindset a month or so, and re-evalute again at that point, that will give that relationship a chance to blow up or to see what the month brings to your H's behavior.

"Is there anything more I should or could be doing? At this point, I'm hesitant to do anything that would invest too much more energy in this. I'll escalate when I see a little escalation on his side."

AM- I'd just second what Orchid said, and that is to not let HIS actions dictate what YOU do and how you live your life from this point on. I think, because you're separated, you should just concentrate on your happiness right now. It sounds like you've really got it together though! Especially with not being tempted into looking into every little thing he does/doesn't do or say, best to stay off that ride as it will drive you absolutely insane! Stay cordial and take care of yourself, as you mentioned he'll need to make some changes to make this work. Good luck...

Gee, I really wish I were as together as all of you think I am! Thanks!

One more thing, and this may be a mistake: calmly, I let friends know that I'd rather have a reconciliation than a divorce. That I hope he reconsiders. Don't even know if I could handle it if he did! But that has been my public statement. It just seems right, and I don't know why. Maybe because I feel someone in a free-fall situation has to hew to some kind of standard.

Friends are pressuring me to change my name back, throw off my wedding ring, and wear short skirts. (He's done the male equivalent.) But in my book, taking off your wedding ring and scr#wing around does not make you single -- it just makes you an H who is behaving poorly.

<small>[ April 16, 2003, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Hello AM.

You do sound very calm and determined. I do wonder though whether going to a full Plan B wouldn't be even better as it would make it clear to your H that you are NOT just sitting there, waiting for him to throw you a crumb of attention.

I think it's essential to really look after yourself now. Let him start wondering what you are up to-and then be unavailable. If you don't want to go to full Plan B, let his emails lie unanswered for a few days and then answer them saying you got to them late because you were so busy doing xyz!!!

I don't think you should start making yourself available but do think that making sure you feel that you are attractive will be great for your self esteem.

I think you are doing really well!

Deluded

AMM:

"Friends are pressuring me to change my name back, throw off my wedding ring, and wear short skirts. (He's done the male equivalent)"

Hm... ...I'm picturing a WH in a kilt? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think you're doing better than you give yourself credit for. You're in a position to TAKE CONTROL of this ridiculous situation. Orchid has awesome advice.

I think it's interesting that you've told friends that you'd rather reconcile. Sure, it may give HIM the impression he's got time to futz around, but if you start ACTING like you'd be content to DV, he'll have to cogitate some, won't he?

-Qfwfq

IMHO, he's in too much of a fog to cogitate. One thought is that it might put some pressure on OW. The field is not free; he is a married man. I'm just trying to take the high road (while trying not to be self-righteous about it), at the same time moving on. I love him, but I am no longer sure that he is all that good for me. If he's in a downward spiral, I certainly don't want to join him for the rest of my life.

As one friend said to me, "Maybe God is pulling you from a burning car. Don't run back to the flames because you love the warmth."

That said, I hope, pray for the best.

<small>[ April 16, 2003, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

AMM:

Hm... The field is NOT free, because he is a M'd man. And the longer his A goes on, the MORE guilt he and she will have to live with long term.

I'm not saying that you should waffle to punish him. More that you'd be enabling HIM to feel pressure to straighten himself out someday. More pressure than if you simply DV'd right now.

Make sense?
-Qfwfq

I think the others have covered the bases here. The affairees need to give each other heartburn - and they will sooner or later. In the meantime, stay on the moral high ground, don't contribute to their problems, lest they blame everything on you - including ALL the heartburn.

In other words, pull up a beach chair with Q and I, open a beer, and enjoy the show.

WAT

AM
You probably don't want me to go off on a religious tangent, but:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Maybe God is pulling you from a burning car. Don't run back to the flames because you love the warmth."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Breaking up a marriage through infidelity is never God's doing. God would be on the side of your H being the man and husband that God intended for him to be...someone he is not at all right now.

And as for short skirts, um <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I switched to short skirts during my Plan A, both of which caught my H by surprise. He didn't change his behavior at that point, but surprised he was <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Nor did I reliably wear my wedding rings to work....

Okay, Q & WAT -- a beach chair and a pale ale it is! My sentiments exactly!

Lor, what my friend meant is that this could be part of an overall deterioration, given his very poor behavior overall. I'm not sure I want to dedicate my life to being a nurse for someone who doesn't want to help himself. I need to think clearly about this, and hope for signs of a turnaround.

Q.: I'm not waffling to put pressure on anybody, really, though that may be an effect. I really don't know what's happening, and I want to get a fairly clear appraisal (as much as possible) before I make lifetime-scale decisions. I don't want to be stampeded into anything -- by H and OW especially. I especially don't want to make lifetime-scale decisions around OW, a strange and temporary phenomenon in my life.

Lor, short skirts? Maybe. But I just don't want to pull attention-getting stunts. They take too much energy. I'm not feeling sexy right now, and I don't want to pretend that I am (by which I don't mean that I'm a slob, but rather a fairly modest person, who dresses pretty conservatively as a rule). I'm just trying to be visible, have a good time, expand my circle of friends, and keep my eyes open. And laugh a lot.

AM, I was beyond modest all the way to frump. A change was good.

Okay, okay, I admit it: I wear beat-up sweaters and baggy things around the house. But I'm not so bad when I go out...well, maybe a few short skirts or something a little less anonymous.

***********MOMENTOUS EVENT!!!**************

I can now no longer say that H has not even moved a matchstick back into the house since he left.

Today, he voluntarily returned his toolbox (returned to the kids while I was away this afternoon), which was pilfered during an illegal raid on the house while I was at work two weeks ago!

And he didn't have to: it is, after all, HIS tool box!

Could he be (gulp) coming home to his loving W??? After all, what could be a truer sign of love than a Phillips screwdriver (note unfortunate pun)and a monkey wrench! Oh no, oh no, Mrs. Martin is hitting the opium pipe again!!!

AMM:

"Oh no, oh no, Mrs. Martin is hitting the opium pipe again!!!"

I beg to differ! Mrs. Martin has just discovered that wonderful, natural anti-depressant... HUMOR!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My hat is off to you (but that means I can now read what's on the front of it: "Got Beer?" and since the answer is NO, I need to finish up here in the office, head home, and pop the top off an amber nectar in your honor! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

-Qfwfq